Confused – how much of it is my own doing?

[ChangeOfPlan]

Hi ladies,

Just wondering if anyone else can relate to this? One thing I’m really struggling with now after getting out, is justifying to myself why I had to leave, when there were also a lot of good times. I keep questioning whether I’ve just always been overreacting to everything, getting resentful and so being unable to appreciate the good times as I should have done. I know the relationship has made me ill with anxiety and depression on and off for years, but there are only a few periods on and off where I think it would fit the description of emotional abuse and I find I start to wonder if maybe that happens in all long term relationships. I really don’t know, as this is the only really long relationship I’ve had.

I think the most emotional damage was done by me feeling I had to suppress my feelings and emotions for so many years to protect him and his fragile ego, but that was just as much my choice to do, as his recommendation to me Therefore it’s just as much on me. If it’s just as much my doing, then maybe it was not really abusive and so is it still justified that I felt so bad? Maybe it really is just that I’m a very sensitive person and too emotional and I overreact to normal stuff, as he tells me sometimes.

Basically, I feel that the emotional invalidation that went on for years is what’s contributed most to my depression and anxiety, but I feel partly to blame for it, because (a) I went along with this; (b) He couldn’t help his part in it, it’s all to do with his upbringing and past experience and he didn’t intentionally set out to hurt me; (c) I probably am an over-sensitive person who gets obsessive about problems and then has a tendency to become anxious. The proper and obvious ongoing emotional abuse didn’t get really bad until I’d left and then I guess I felt his behaviours were justified as I had hurt him so much by leaving.

Also what I don’t understand is why, when I start feeling it’s my fault in this way, do I get a really strong urge pulling me to go back to the relationship and sort it all out – even though I know it was unhealthy for both of us?! It doesn’t make sense.

arrgh, it’s all so confusing and draining!!

Hope everyone is having an ok day today! Thanks for the support and advice 🙂

[Imagesha]

I’m in a bit of a similar situation. I go from wanting to leave “right now” to wondering how much of the problem has to do with me, if I’m just being paranoid and overreactive. I haven’t left yet, and I feel terrible about leaving, especially when there’s a period in which he “behaves”. Mine also, has had a very difficult childhood.
It’s the anxiety and depression that give it away. It’s how I feel. I try, on my part, to focus on that. On how it makes me feel staying in the relationship, rather than the doubts of what is my part in this, what are the reasons he is like that, what I could or could not do. I just feel that it’s going nowhere, nowhere good. The doubts and sense of guilt and failure are there. They will probably be even worse once I leave.
But I know I have to do it. You are already out, kudos for that!
I really hope we are capable to leave those thoughts on the side, while they slowly dissolve.
It can be a matter of life or death. Depression is no joke.
Stay strong!

[Jedi warrior]

Hi I can relate to what you’re feeling i keep questioning myself since asking husband of many years for a separation after getting depressed and anxious many times I knew our marriage was not healthy wadnt until I went for councilling that I realised it was abusive ..I’m not out yet and suffer with guilt husband has made me feel like that saying his world is collapsing threatened suicide has apologised admitted emotional abuse .since separation hes become very controlling I know there is no going back now and want out but I feel guilty for facing up to my unhappiness as there were many good times and hes a kind man but Al’s it’s all about how he feels ..I was told by a support worker that I have to try and let go of the guilt otherwise it will keep harming my mental health my grown up children think I’m sensitive but I know how hes made me feel ..and I will now say no one has walked in my shoes stay strong and do what makes you happy ..certain feelings are natural when ending a long term relationship I’m starting to understand that now ..

[Julka]

Yes, I can relate. Totally.
I’ve stayed for many, many years despite trying to leave, thinking about leaving, talking about leaving. Until I became somebody else. I betrayed my husband, and when he found out our family imploded. He is now under bail conditions, and I’m struggling to pick up the pieces, feeling horribly guilty and responsible for everything, including the fact he is having to stay away from the children, family home, possibly facing problems at work. I know what he had done to me over the years (emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse, sometimes in front of the children), and yet I still feel responsible for all of it.
I’ve tried to analyse what I’ve done, as to be honest it’s as if all my risk assessment was off, I could have done a million of things to prevent myself from being found out and I didn’t do any of them. It’s almost as if I wanted to be caught. And I got caught. The feeling is horrendous. The guilt. The shame. The responsibility.
Trust your instincts and act on them sensibly when you can. Don’t ever let what happened to me happened to you. Sending my thoughts and best wishes.

[Lottieblue]

That’s the thing. You do become somebody else. That’s what I am also struggling with now, having got out. It’s so hard to put your finger on. Could I have stayed myself, stayed human?

Keep going back to your notes. Remind yourself how he made you feel. Read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans – she validates how you feel. Also there’s a podcast called loveandabuse.com, which I found good to listen to. These are people who understand that this behaviour makes us someone who we’re not.

The problem is that when we leave we escape his behaviour (to a greater or lesser extent) and we therefore wonder if our perception of it was accurate. And especially if those around us are questioning it. X

[ChangeOfPlan]

Thank you so much ladies – this is all really helpful!! I think it’s true that we do behave differently and not like ourselves because we are driven to it, and then of course we feel guilty, because we are kind and caring people. It is especially difficult when everyone else only gets to see the kind and good side of our partner and they ask us if we are sure we can’t work things out between us. It sounds like most of question ourselves and our perception of what happened to us and I guess that is all part of this process and because of how we’ve been talked to/brainwashed. I think that is right, that I have to focus on how the relationship was making me feel, and that it wasn’t healthy for me, when the doubts start to creep in. In the end it wasn’t healthy for either of us and maybe it doesn’t really matter what part we each had in it. It wasn’t working…

Thanks for all the support, wishing you all strength and hopefully an ok day!

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