20th March 2021 at 2:56 pm #123585
Hello, I’m new here.
I’m hoping someone can give me some advice please as I don’t know where to turn now.
Long story but I’ll keep it short as poss. Some things I can’t mention as I’m so worried he’s trawling sites like these to see if I’m on them and a lot of things are quite specific so he would recognise it. This will make it awkward tho to get a clear picture of things, this is why I haven’t posted before.
I don’t know if there’s a private message thing on here if anyone in particular could help if I could share privately more of the details?
Anyway, got together (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, have children together, separated (detail removed by Moderator) years ago due to not being able to cope with his behaviour, still live together as he wouldn’t move out.
His behaviour; paranoia, mistrust, OCD’s, anger/temper issues etc.
Examples; always used to look through my laptop/phone to check websites visited, messages, social media. He is not able to do this at present.
Always being accused of having affairs with strangers, friends, family, even since we separated.
Does not trust anyone, not just me.
Paranoid of everyone and everything.
Never has liked any of my friends and would try and put them down and put me off them, even best friend since childhood.
Drives everyone away. Friends and family no longer visit us due to his behaviour, this has been for years now.
Anger/temper/rage, truly awful and so scary. Throws things generally and at me and children. Breaks things, punches/kicks doors, walls etc. Threatens to break mine and kids possessions. These ‘outbursts’ can go on for hours and start because of the simplest of things or even over nothing at all.
Has anger issues with others too, family, strangers, whoever and has been physically violent with others occasionally over the years.
All of us, everyone, walks on eggshells around him.
Has outbursts at anyone, in shops, at doctors, with neighbours, friends, family etc.
Puts me and kids down saying we are useless, don’t know what we’re doing or saying. He knows better than anyone, not just us but anyone.
He makes all decisions, ignores my opinions, views, feelings.
Is being very manipulative with children, including telling them he wants to commit suicide.
Tries to make out I’m loosing my mind and so can’t be trusted.
Spends, spends, spends. Debt, debt, debt.
There is probably a lot more too but I think this is enough to list.
He does not and will not admit he has a problem with any of this, apparently it’s normal behaviour and we are the ones with the problem.
Everyone around us, friends and family, can see what he’s like and knows what he’s like.
There is more but don’t want to go on and like I said some things that are relevant I can’t put here.
For the first time ever I contacted police thinking they could help as I just don’t know what to do and I know something has to be done now because things can’t carry on like this anymore.
One of them was nice but the other was quite rude at times even speaking over his colleague as well as me. He made it seem as though I was making a fuss over nothing and said there was nothing he could do to help and that I just need to move out if I don’t like it. (Which I cant do)
I told them a lot more than what I put here and gave many examples to show this has been going on for a long time and now it is getting a lot worse.
I was in tears most of the time, sobbing sometimes as I was recounting everything out loud to strangers after eventually building up the courage to ask for help and I was made to feel like I was just making a fuss about nothing.
Now he knows I got the police involved so who knows what will happen now. I just want to protect my children and want them to lead a normal life and have fun and be happy and feel safe in their own home and not have to walk on eggshells or feel scared.
I just really don’t know what to do now. I really thought the police would be able to help somehow. If they can’t help me then who can?!
Sorry for the lengthy message.
20th March 2021 at 3:17 pm #123586
Please contact your local women’s aid for support. The behaviour of the police is unacceptable. Ask for an officer from the domestic abuse police unit. Ask your local women’s aid to support you in this. There are laws to have an abuser removed. Try writing down his behaviour from the very first incident. Report it to your GP (excellent evidence) which you may need. Emphasise you fear for the safety of you and your children. Sadly some police officers and not up to it. Do not be put off by this. It’s terrible but we have to fight to be heard. How did he discover the police were involved?
20th March 2021 at 3:44 pm #123587
I kept saying to the police officer that I feared for the safety of my children and thought he may even take them away without me knowing but he kept asking me why, what has happened today, today he kept saying, to make me call them and he said it’s all just what if’s and speculation on my part. I was devastated.
He said it’s not abuse.
I told him I had recordings of some of his outbursts and rantings at me and the children and he didn’t even respond to that let alone want to hear them.
All I’ve been thinking since they went is if they can’t help me and don’t see it as abuse or a criminal act then they/I won’t be able to do anything, I mean with a doctor you can get a second opinion but you can’t really do that with the police.
The children were present when police came, it’s awkward as I cant be too specific with some things just in case he finds this post, I know that’s probably very unlikely but I don’t want to take the risk, but he knows through the children.
I was very confused by the officers behaviour and his seeming lack of wanting to help so I thought maybe I am wrong, but when I have feelings of fear for my children, those aren’t imaginary.
Ok, I’ll get in touch with women’s aid, I have the tab open already. My GP is luckily very good and knows me well.
I will write down as much as I can, there is a lot as it’s been so many years, practically from day one really looking back, hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say, didn’t realise tho until very recently, feel very stupid and naive for that.
Thank you so much for your quick response. I will contact them now if they are available at weekends, I do hope so. And I’ll contact my GP Monday morning too.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your help.
20th March 2021 at 4:15 pm #123588HawthornParticipant
Do please keep reaching out. You’re very brave and what he is doing is most definitely abuse. What a shame the police officer you met was so terrible. Abusive men work in every profession however, (detail removed by Moderator) and didnt like your suggestion that behaviour was abuse.
You dont deserve this, it IS abuse and please do reach out to womens aid. You need and deserve support. You are not alone and we all believe you xx
20th March 2021 at 4:59 pm #123590
You absolutely can go back to the police and get a second opinion. Talk to a trained officer in the domestic abuse unit. There was a woman on here recently who went back with womens aid and made a complaint about the officers concerned. She was given officers who knew what they were doing and her abuser was arrested and removed.
20th March 2021 at 5:12 pm #123591
Thank you both, having others confirm it for me is a relief, I was doubting myself after the police visit.
The other police officer seemed very nice, even though he was wearing a face mask I could see in his eyes that he had sympathy and was concerned. He went through a risk assessment with me but the other guy interrupted and took over, taking the phone out of his hands. He ignored most of what I said and was quite rude to his colleague too. (detail removed by Moderator) he seemed very offended and dismissive of my ex’s behaviour.
The women’s aid chat is not available right now, it’s open again 10-12 tomorrow and there’s no phone number to call. Is there anyway I can ask for someone from the domestic abuse unit myself or would it better to wait until I can speak to women’s aid? I’m just even more worried now I involved the police (detail removed by Moderator) and don’t know what he might do.
Thanks again both of you for your help and support, it really means a lot. I feel like throwing up and my head is banging, I just need it all to stop.
20th March 2021 at 5:51 pm #123592
There is a national domestic abuse helpline that is available 24/7 you can ring and yes you can ring the police and request a visit from a domestic abuse officer. You can also make a complaint about the way you were treated. Did anyone finish your risk assessment and what was the outcome. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman and now your partner knows you’re making plans to leave he can become extremely dang very quickly. Keep your mobile phone on you at all times fully charged. I recorded an assault this way x
20th March 2021 at 6:16 pm #123593
I don’t know if the ones that came were from that dept or not, I’m worried I’ll just get the same one come back again. I don’t remember their names either, not sure they even said them actually.
I don’t know if they finished the assessment but he said there’s nothing they can do to stop him seeing the kids or getting him out of the house, he said he doesn’t see that they are in any danger or anything.
And I’m a bit worried about making a complaint and if it will go against me in anyway, I don’t know.
Yes, now I just don’t know what he might do, I’m so on edge and scared.
21st March 2021 at 12:22 pm #123622
Me again, I was in the queue for the chat for and hour and a half and someone came on so I started to type that I’m still here then it came up that the support worker had closed the chat. I tried again but got cut off at 12.
I was wondering, does anyone know please what information or help the online chat people could give me that would make it better for me to wait till tomorrow and hopefully get hold of someone compared to if I phoned and asked for a domestic abuse officer myself?
I really want to speak to someone as soon as possible, preferably today if I could, but I’m dreading getting the same police officer come round again.
22nd March 2021 at 8:42 pm #123696LisaMain Moderator
I wanted to see if you were able to speak to anyone since posting?
I am sorry to hear you didn’t have a successful Live Chat during the limited opening hours yesterday. The Live Chat can discuss your options with you based on your circumstances and they can signpost you to other services relevant to you.
Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.
23rd March 2021 at 5:37 am #123698
Have you contacted your local women’s aid or victim support. Both can help you deal with the police. If you ring the police you can specify you do not want the same officers again. They will know who they sent. Ask for females if you feel that would be better or ask for a supervisor. Don’t listen to a word your partner says. Abusers are liars. Remember the national domestic abuse helpline is there for you and Rights of Women have a good helpline and website. You can also speak to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice about getting him removed from the home. There’s a non molestation order too that’s a civil court order. Meantime keep all the evidence you can. Try writing a secret journal which is good evidence and talk to your GP x
23rd March 2021 at 8:04 am #123700seaglassParticipant
Hi, I just wondered, as you have children, if you had mentioned it to school? They may be able to, through safeguarding, offer you some help and support?
23rd March 2021 at 2:27 pm #123711
Thanks so much for your replies. Just wanted to update you.
I spoke to someone on the chat yesterday and they were very lovely and helpful.
I have now been in touch with a local domestic abuse team, spent a long time on the phone to them and they took all of the details and have referred me to a branch that can give me a support worker and they will help me with what steps to take next. I’m just waiting on a call back from them either today or tomorrow.
I don’t know yet what they will suggest or how long things may take but at least I have started the process and hopefully it won’t take too long.
I really need some normality back in my children’s lives and mine too. I’m sure it will get worse before it gets better though.
I’m trying to be optimistic but it’s very hard, I still can’t imagine having a peaceful and happy life. I suppose because it’s been so long I can’t believe that it’s a possibility anymore.
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the time you have taken to read and respond and help, I do feel this is a place that I can get some support and I realise I am not alone in this.
23rd March 2021 at 4:03 pm #123714
Ok, so I’ve just had a call from someone to arrange an appt for me for a support worker. Apparently they are very busy this week and the earliest appt is next Tuesday! Now I don’t know what to do!
23rd March 2021 at 4:16 pm #123716
You keep yourself safe. You keep your phone on you at all times fully charged. You consider a refuge if you need to. Look into a non molestation order to have him removed from the property. Persist with the police. They have powers to remove a domestic abuser. You gather whatever evidence you safely can. Start a secret journal. Inform your GP. Start building a support network.
6th November 2021 at 12:55 pm #133570
It’s been a long time since I was here last and things have not got any better, I’m at my wits end. I just can’t believe this is all still going on and no one seems to be able or want to help.
SS have been involved since (detail removed by Moderator) but they have not been helpful at all. I have done a formal complaint but they aren’t even following procedure on that either!
My youngest is still at home with his dad and my aim has always been to have him with me.
SS witnessed and documented emotional abuse, drug misuse, neglect, brainwashing and manipulation and various other things but they have not acted on any of this. Also, at no point have they acknowledged the domestic abuse towards me or my children.
They did a CIN plan and this has not been followed whatsoever and has actually gone in reverse.
They have been on the receiving end of his verbal abuse on many occasions.
The current SW seems to be very biased towards him and is acting like his own personal social worker. He was referred to adult SS but he refused.
I eventually got a good police officer but she said her Sargent said there’s not enough evidence to go forward with the case of controlling and coercive behaviour. Even though I also had (detail removed by Moderator) members of his family who said they would do a statement about what they have witnessed over the years.
Also my son did a statement for common assault after he threatens him with physical violence but apparently the statute of limitations ran out!
My son is a teen and I think because of this SS are suing this as an excise nit to do anything as they say he seems fine when they talk to him. Obviously he would become he’s being manipulated by his dad and they know this so his wishes and feelings are not actually his own, he is too scared to say how he actually feels about everything. I know he thinks that if he leaves his dad then he will commit suicide as he’s threatened this many times.
My solicitor seemed ok at first but now she hasn’t been replying to my emails for months. Last time I spoke to her she asked what I wanted to do but I keep asking her what I can do as I don’t know and that’s why I needed a solicitor!
My son is being emotionally abused every single day, he’s lost some weight, he’s pale, he’s not eating properly, not sleeping at proper times, doesn’t leave the house at all, doesn’t socialise with anyone, he’s not washing regularly, not doing hobbies etc. just playing computer games all the time, he’s doing the housework, tidying, cooking etc.
The state of the house is awful, he’s growing cannabis in the lounge (personal use only) and smoking all day and night. The police have been informed by everyone but they still haven’t done anything about it. SS are obviously well aware of this too as they sit in the same room with it and see it all!
I didn’t put all this in my original post as I thought it would be so obvious it’s me if he was looking at this site but now I don’t care as I’m really at my wits end and just don’t know what to do. I feel like I have exhausted every Avenue and no one can or will help.
I just want my son away from his abusive dad so he can live a normal life, do things he should be doing at his age, having fun, socialising, going out and having freedom. This is a basic right for everyone especially a child.
I don’t know where to turn, no one will help.
6th November 2021 at 1:19 pm #133572
Do you have support from your local women’s aid? What are they doing to support you? Have you asked your solicitor about a non molestation order or an occupation order to have him removed from the property? Is the house in joint names? What are your rights there?
6th November 2021 at 1:38 pm #133573
Hi kip, thanks for replying.
I have spoken on chat to women’s aid and they gave me a website for law advice but I can’t get through on their number, they’re only open about 2 hours a day. I’m unsure what you mean by support from women’s aid, it was just website recommendations I have had from them and nothing else.
I can have him removed from the house but I know because of the manipulation my son would go with him which is why I haven’t done this. My aim was to get my son away from his dad then get him out of the house and myself and my children can go back there. If he leaves the house now with my son then I won’t know where he is and I won’t be able to do anything about it.
6th November 2021 at 1:58 pm #133575
Just to add, my other son is with me because his dad threatened him with violence so he was scared of him and didn’t want to be with him. He told SS all of this including his dads behaviour towards me and his siblings. Still nothing from them, no talk about it whatsoever, it’s just not a subject they want to discuss at all.
6th November 2021 at 3:36 pm #133579
Most solicitors offer free initial consultation so ring around. Make sure you’re the resident parent and ask about a non molestation order for you and the kids. Get your ducks in a row and then get him removed.
7th November 2021 at 1:58 am #133602[email protected]Participant
You could get in touch with your local MP I did xx he was great and carried abit of weight let him know the services are letting you down xx my advice is keep going and be very persistent
7th November 2021 at 9:16 am #133609EggshellsParticipant
You should have a local dv charity. It’s not always Women’s Aid and the service varies from place to place but it’s worth ringing them to ask for a keyworker or IDVA. You can find your local support using the WA directory. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Ask SS for what their formal complaints procedure is. This might get them moving off their backsides to help your son who is at risk of mental and physical harm. If it doesn’t spur them into action, follow through with a formal complaint.
Unfortunately, the threshold for evidence for the CPS is extremely high. These cases are expensive to try and the police usually need to be able to demonstrate that it is in the public interest. I actually had a recording of my ex confessing. I took the evidence to a judge and he said it was 50/50 whether or not the CPS woukd take the case.
You have still done the right thing in reporting. There is already a record and if the abuse escalates, they already have a background history.
Consider changing your solicitor. I did! Look for one that specialises in Domestic Abuse and interview them before you engage them. Think about the barriers you’ve encountered with your current solicitor and ask “What would they do? How would they respond?”
Unfortunately, it is a battle. If you can get a good support structure around you it will give you someone to lean on for support when you need it.
Take it one step at a time. Your priority now is to get your son safely out of there. xx
9th November 2021 at 5:30 pm #133778
Thanks to all of you for your replies.
I emailed my local MP yesterday, you never know he might try and help somehow.
I’ll also try and find a new solicitor but it seems quite limited as to who I can get, this is the 3rd one I’ve tried already.
I have a new DA support worker and spoke to her today, my last one never got in touch with me!
Just received an email today asking if I want to attend a child in need meeting next week and they said my youngest could come along too so he can give his views. He is being manipulated and abused so his views are not his own, he’s too scared to say anything against his dad.
She hasn’t even told me if ‘he’ is going or anyone else.
I do believe it’s my GP who actually arranged the meeting as he told me a couple of weeks ago he was going to try and do this. (He’s very good and supportive) I’m actually seeing him tomorrow morning so I’ll ask.
I’ve not been given any more info other than the day and place.
There was a CIN plan put in place back in (detail removed by moderator) and he has not followed it at all. There was no follow up and we’ve never had a CIN or any other type of meeting before. I’m sure that’s not right?
Surely there should be consequences for not following the plan and surely this should have been addressed a long time ago?
Should it not have already been escalated to a child protection meeting?
Also there’s been domestic abuse so should they be suggesting a meeting where I have to be in the same room as him?
If we are, I know he will kick off at me and rant and rave, talk over me etc because he just can’t help himself. Would this be a good thing so others can see this? Although the SS workers have already been on the receiving end of his behaviour before.
Can I take someone with me and if so what type of person would you recommend? Family member, solicitor, my DA support worker if they do that kind of thing?
So sorry for so many questions and I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply.
Many thanks 😊
9th November 2021 at 5:52 pm #133780Wants To HelpParticipant
I’m so sorry to read that you have tried so hard to reach out to people and do not feel like you are being supported properly. I know how demoralising it can be to get to a point where you get the courage to ask for help and none is forthcoming. Well done for keeping on trying, sometimes it really is just us fending for ourselves and we just have to keep on keeping on.
Children’s Services should not be expecting you and your ex partner to be in the same room together trying to come to an agreement if they know there is a history of abusive behaviour. You need to make it quite clear that you will not be attending if he is going to be there.
I’m not sure about answers to the other questions you have asked so I can’t give any more advice.
10th November 2021 at 11:33 am #133824
You’re right, it is very demoralising, I feel so helpless.
I don’t want to not attend the meeting otherwise I’ll never know what’s said and won’t be able to put my concerns and questions across.
I spoke to my GP (detail removed by moderator), so it’s not even as though they are finally doing something as it wasn’t their idea!
He said he will join in via video which is good, said (detail removed by moderator).
13th November 2021 at 1:09 pm #133964
Apparently he’s not going and they are having a separate meeting. They want my son to attend both meetings which seems a bit much to me.
They will not answer my questions about why he’s not going, if he’ll get minutes of my meeting, if I will get minutes of his and a few other basic questions which all require a basic yes or no answer. They do not want to give me any information about anything! I don’t even know if my son is going to my one!
There isn’t anyone more neutral going which I’m confused about, I thought at least their manager would be going. And if my son isn’t going isn’t that a cause for concern that he’s not letting him go?
My MP relied, which I was quite shocked about really. He said he’s written to the chief executive of the council and the chief inspector of the police and he’ll get back to me once they reply. I’m so pleased he’s actually doing something, you never know, it might prove helpful.
13th November 2021 at 2:25 pm #133965
Contact your local women’s aid and see if someone can sit in on these meetings with you. Keep detailed notes of everything that’s said and I’d record any meetings too.
13th November 2021 at 7:31 pm #133966EggshellsParticipant
With everything else that’s going on, you’ve also got your MP to bring this whole debacle to those who really need to listen.
You are amazing!
Keeping you in my thoughts as I cam imagine that this is all very stressful for you.
Big hugs xx
23rd November 2021 at 1:01 pm #134525
Thanks eggshells, big hugs back to you!
My son went to the meeting which I’m pleased about but the domestic abuse is still being ignored. The SS worker said that (name removed by Moderator) hasn’t mentioned anything about it so there’s nothing they can do!
I brought up how his dad has thrown things at him and that it hurt him and other things too and he nodded his head in agreement. They know about the anxiety attack too which was brought on directly because of his abusive behaviour towards him and my son had talked about this with them.
Myself, my other children and other family members have also all told them about the ongoing abuse, is all of this not enough?!
It’s just frustrating.
They did another CIN plan, totally ignoring the last one, and placed the emphasis on my son that it’s his plan, his responsibility to comply. I found this to be very unfair and far too much pressure on him. It’s not his responsibility, he is not allowed to make decisions for himself or do what he wants to do. None of the things on the plan have taken place as of yet. It’s his dad’s responsibility to comply.
They said there’s not grounds for a child protection meeting. I’ve read everywhere in official documents that even just witnessing domestic abuse is grounds for a CP meeting but they said it’s not!
My formal complaint has been totally ignored, no response at all.
Not heard back from the MP as of yet or anyone who he contacted.
Another meeting should be taking place in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks but no reply from SS as to a date and time.
My support worker is hoping to come along to that one but if they don’t let me know when it is then she may get booked up and not be able to come.
I’m so frustrated and feel so alone. I fear for my sons safety every single day and every single day I’m being ignored and my son is being abused.
23rd November 2021 at 1:24 pm #134528
Ask what training they have had of domestic abuse and child abuse and what experience they have. If they’re making judgments about the abuse of you and your child they should have adequate training and experience. Talk to a supervisor if you’re unhappy with the quality of the person assigned to your case. Quote the guidelines to them in writing. Keep records of every meeting and what was said, you can email confirmation yourself. The NSPCC have a good helpline. Get some legal advice too. Most family solicitors will offer free initial consultations. Don’t give up and don’t believe what they say. Fact check it yourself x
23rd November 2021 at 6:48 pm #134540N-SurvivorParticipant
This is really blowing my mind. I’m going through the process of leaving and after my first (but not last) complaint with the police a couple of months ago I also feel there isn’t enough support.
I managed to apply for a non-mol/occupational orders and I have a hearing in a couple of weeks. I got a lawyer. Have no idea if he’s any good.
In the meantime, every day, I need to manage my anxiety which in itself feels like a task too big. I have no actual protection in place.
I commend you for fighting so hard. It’s so demoralising that you’re not getting the desired results. Please keep updating us.
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