Confused, police wouldn’t help

[Llamaly1]

Hello, I’m new here.

I’m hoping someone can give me some advice please as I don’t know where to turn now.

Long story but I’ll keep it short as poss. Some things I can’t mention as I’m so worried he’s trawling sites like these to see if I’m on them and a lot of things are quite specific so he would recognise it. This will make it awkward tho to get a clear picture of things, this is why I haven’t posted before.
I don’t know if there’s a private message thing on here if anyone in particular could help if I could share privately more of the details?

Anyway, got together (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, have children together, separated (detail removed by Moderator) years ago due to not being able to cope with his behaviour, still live together as he wouldn’t move out.
His behaviour; paranoia, mistrust, OCD’s, anger/temper issues etc.
Examples; always used to look through my laptop/phone to check websites visited, messages, social media. He is not able to do this at present.
Always being accused of having affairs with strangers, friends, family, even since we separated.
Does not trust anyone, not just me.
Paranoid of everyone and everything.
Never has liked any of my friends and would try and put them down and put me off them, even best friend since childhood.
Drives everyone away. Friends and family no longer visit us due to his behaviour, this has been for years now.
Anger/temper/rage, truly awful and so scary. Throws things generally and at me and children. Breaks things, punches/kicks doors, walls etc. Threatens to break mine and kids possessions. These ‘outbursts’ can go on for hours and start because of the simplest of things or even over nothing at all.
Has anger issues with others too, family, strangers, whoever and has been physically violent with others occasionally over the years.
All of us, everyone, walks on eggshells around him.
Has outbursts at anyone, in shops, at doctors, with neighbours, friends, family etc.
Puts me and kids down saying we are useless, don’t know what we’re doing or saying. He knows better than anyone, not just us but anyone.
He makes all decisions, ignores my opinions, views, feelings.
Is being very manipulative with children, including telling them he wants to commit suicide.
Tries to make out I’m loosing my mind and so can’t be trusted.
Spends, spends, spends. Debt, debt, debt.
There is probably a lot more too but I think this is enough to list.

He does not and will not admit he has a problem with any of this, apparently it’s normal behaviour and we are the ones with the problem.
Everyone around us, friends and family, can see what he’s like and knows what he’s like.

There is more but don’t want to go on and like I said some things that are relevant I can’t put here.

For the first time ever I contacted police thinking they could help as I just don’t know what to do and I know something has to be done now because things can’t carry on like this anymore.
One of them was nice but the other was quite rude at times even speaking over his colleague as well as me. He made it seem as though I was making a fuss over nothing and said there was nothing he could do to help and that I just need to move out if I don’t like it. (Which I cant do)

I told them a lot more than what I put here and gave many examples to show this has been going on for a long time and now it is getting a lot worse.
I was in tears most of the time, sobbing sometimes as I was recounting everything out loud to strangers after eventually building up the courage to ask for help and I was made to feel like I was just making a fuss about nothing.

Now he knows I got the police involved so who knows what will happen now. I just want to protect my children and want them to lead a normal life and have fun and be happy and feel safe in their own home and not have to walk on eggshells or feel scared.

I just really don’t know what to do now. I really thought the police would be able to help somehow. If they can’t help me then who can?!

Sorry for the lengthy message.

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid for support. The behaviour of the police is unacceptable. Ask for an officer from the domestic abuse police unit. Ask your local women’s aid to support you in this. There are laws to have an abuser removed. Try writing down his behaviour from the very first incident. Report it to your GP (excellent evidence) which you may need. Emphasise you fear for the safety of you and your children. Sadly some police officers and not up to it. Do not be put off by this. It’s terrible but we have to fight to be heard. How did he discover the police were involved?

[Llamaly1]

I kept saying to the police officer that I feared for the safety of my children and thought he may even take them away without me knowing but he kept asking me why, what has happened today, today he kept saying, to make me call them and he said it’s all just what if’s and speculation on my part. I was devastated.
He said it’s not abuse.
I told him I had recordings of some of his outbursts and rantings at me and the children and he didn’t even respond to that let alone want to hear them.

All I’ve been thinking since they went is if they can’t help me and don’t see it as abuse or a criminal act then they/I won’t be able to do anything, I mean with a doctor you can get a second opinion but you can’t really do that with the police.

The children were present when police came, it’s awkward as I cant be too specific with some things just in case he finds this post, I know that’s probably very unlikely but I don’t want to take the risk, but he knows through the children.

I was very confused by the officers behaviour and his seeming lack of wanting to help so I thought maybe I am wrong, but when I have feelings of fear for my children, those aren’t imaginary.

Ok, I’ll get in touch with women’s aid, I have the tab open already. My GP is luckily very good and knows me well.
I will write down as much as I can, there is a lot as it’s been so many years, practically from day one really looking back, hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say, didn’t realise tho until very recently, feel very stupid and naive for that.

Thank you so much for your quick response. I will contact them now if they are available at weekends, I do hope so. And I’ll contact my GP Monday morning too.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your help.

[Hawthorn]

Do please keep reaching out. You’re very brave and what he is doing is most definitely abuse. What a shame the police officer you met was so terrible. Abusive men work in every profession however, (detail removed by Moderator) and didnt like your suggestion that behaviour was abuse.

You dont deserve this, it IS abuse and please do reach out to womens aid. You need and deserve support. You are not alone and we all believe you xx

[KIP.]

You absolutely can go back to the police and get a second opinion. Talk to a trained officer in the domestic abuse unit. There was a woman on here recently who went back with womens aid and made a complaint about the officers concerned. She was given officers who knew what they were doing and her abuser was arrested and removed.

[Llamaly1]

Thank you both, having others confirm it for me is a relief, I was doubting myself after the police visit.

The other police officer seemed very nice, even though he was wearing a face mask I could see in his eyes that he had sympathy and was concerned. He went through a risk assessment with me but the other guy interrupted and took over, taking the phone out of his hands. He ignored most of what I said and was quite rude to his colleague too. (detail removed by Moderator) he seemed very offended and dismissive of my ex’s behaviour.

The women’s aid chat is not available right now, it’s open again 10-12 tomorrow and there’s no phone number to call. Is there anyway I can ask for someone from the domestic abuse unit myself or would it better to wait until I can speak to women’s aid? I’m just even more worried now I involved the police (detail removed by Moderator) and don’t know what he might do.

Thanks again both of you for your help and support, it really means a lot. I feel like throwing up and my head is banging, I just need it all to stop.

[KIP.]

There is a national domestic abuse helpline that is available 24/7 you can ring and yes you can ring the police and request a visit from a domestic abuse officer. You can also make a complaint about the way you were treated. Did anyone finish your risk assessment and what was the outcome. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman and now your partner knows you’re making plans to leave he can become extremely dang very quickly. Keep your mobile phone on you at all times fully charged. I recorded an assault this way x

[Llamaly1]

I don’t know if the ones that came were from that dept or not, I’m worried I’ll just get the same one come back again. I don’t remember their names either, not sure they even said them actually.

I don’t know if they finished the assessment but he said there’s nothing they can do to stop him seeing the kids or getting him out of the house, he said he doesn’t see that they are in any danger or anything.

And I’m a bit worried about making a complaint and if it will go against me in anyway, I don’t know.

Yes, now I just don’t know what he might do, I’m so on edge and scared.

[Llamaly1]

Me again, I was in the queue for the chat for and hour and a half and someone came on so I started to type that I’m still here then it came up that the support worker had closed the chat. I tried again but got cut off at 12.

I was wondering, does anyone know please what information or help the online chat people could give me that would make it better for me to wait till tomorrow and hopefully get hold of someone compared to if I phoned and asked for a domestic abuse officer myself?

I really want to speak to someone as soon as possible, preferably today if I could, but I’m dreading getting the same police officer come round again.

Thanks everyone

[Lisa]

Hi Llamaly1,

I wanted to see if you were able to speak to anyone since posting?

I am sorry to hear you didn’t have a successful Live Chat during the limited opening hours yesterday. The Live Chat can discuss your options with you based on your circumstances and they can signpost you to other services relevant to you.

Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[KIP.]

Have you contacted your local women’s aid or victim support. Both can help you deal with the police. If you ring the police you can specify you do not want the same officers again. They will know who they sent. Ask for females if you feel that would be better or ask for a supervisor. Don’t listen to a word your partner says. Abusers are liars. Remember the national domestic abuse helpline is there for you and Rights of Women have a good helpline and website. You can also speak to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice about getting him removed from the home. There’s a non molestation order too that’s a civil court order. Meantime keep all the evidence you can. Try writing a secret journal which is good evidence and talk to your GP x

[seaglass]

Hi, I just wondered, as you have children, if you had mentioned it to school? They may be able to, through safeguarding, offer you some help and support?

[Llamaly1]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your replies. Just wanted to update you.

I spoke to someone on the chat yesterday and they were very lovely and helpful.
I have now been in touch with a local domestic abuse team, spent a long time on the phone to them and they took all of the details and have referred me to a branch that can give me a support worker and they will help me with what steps to take next. I’m just waiting on a call back from them either today or tomorrow.
I don’t know yet what they will suggest or how long things may take but at least I have started the process and hopefully it won’t take too long.

I really need some normality back in my children’s lives and mine too. I’m sure it will get worse before it gets better though.
I’m trying to be optimistic but it’s very hard, I still can’t imagine having a peaceful and happy life. I suppose because it’s been so long I can’t believe that it’s a possibility anymore.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the time you have taken to read and respond and help, I do feel this is a place that I can get some support and I realise I am not alone in this.
Thank you.

[Llamaly1]

Ok, so I’ve just had a call from someone to arrange an appt for me for a support worker. Apparently they are very busy this week and the earliest appt is next Tuesday! Now I don’t know what to do!

[KIP.]

You keep yourself safe. You keep your phone on you at all times fully charged. You consider a refuge if you need to. Look into a non molestation order to have him removed from the property. Persist with the police. They have powers to remove a domestic abuser. You gather whatever evidence you safely can. Start a secret journal. Inform your GP. Start building a support network.

[Llamaly1]

Hi all,
It’s been a long time since I was here last and things have not got any better, I’m at my wits end. I just can’t believe this is all still going on and no one seems to be able or want to help.

SS have been involved since (detail removed by Moderator) but they have not been helpful at all. I have done a formal complaint but they aren’t even following procedure on that either!

My youngest is still at home with his dad and my aim has always been to have him with me.

SS witnessed and documented emotional abuse, drug misuse, neglect, brainwashing and manipulation and various other things but they have not acted on any of this. Also, at no point have they acknowledged the domestic abuse towards me or my children.
They did a CIN plan and this has not been followed whatsoever and has actually gone in reverse.
They have been on the receiving end of his verbal abuse on many occasions.
The current SW seems to be very biased towards him and is acting like his own personal social worker. He was referred to adult SS but he refused.

I eventually got a good police officer but she said her Sargent said there’s not enough evidence to go forward with the case of controlling and coercive behaviour. Even though I also had (detail removed by Moderator) members of his family who said they would do a statement about what they have witnessed over the years.
Also my son did a statement for common assault after he threatens him with physical violence but apparently the statute of limitations ran out!

My son is a teen and I think because of this SS are suing this as an excise nit to do anything as they say he seems fine when they talk to him. Obviously he would become he’s being manipulated by his dad and they know this so his wishes and feelings are not actually his own, he is too scared to say how he actually feels about everything. I know he thinks that if he leaves his dad then he will commit suicide as he’s threatened this many times.

My solicitor seemed ok at first but now she hasn’t been replying to my emails for months. Last time I spoke to her she asked what I wanted to do but I keep asking her what I can do as I don’t know and that’s why I needed a solicitor!

My son is being emotionally abused every single day, he’s lost some weight, he’s pale, he’s not eating properly, not sleeping at proper times, doesn’t leave the house at all, doesn’t socialise with anyone, he’s not washing regularly, not doing hobbies etc. just playing computer games all the time, he’s doing the housework, tidying, cooking etc.
The state of the house is awful, he’s growing cannabis in the lounge (personal use only) and smoking all day and night. The police have been informed by everyone but they still haven’t done anything about it. SS are obviously well aware of this too as they sit in the same room with it and see it all!

I didn’t put all this in my original post as I thought it would be so obvious it’s me if he was looking at this site but now I don’t care as I’m really at my wits end and just don’t know what to do. I feel like I have exhausted every Avenue and no one can or will help.

I just want my son away from his abusive dad so he can live a normal life, do things he should be doing at his age, having fun, socialising, going out and having freedom. This is a basic right for everyone especially a child.
I don’t know where to turn, no one will help.

[KIP.]

Do you have support from your local women’s aid? What are they doing to support you? Have you asked your solicitor about a non molestation order or an occupation order to have him removed from the property? Is the house in joint names? What are your rights there?

[Llamaly1]

Hi kip, thanks for replying.

I have spoken on chat to women’s aid and they gave me a website for law advice but I can’t get through on their number, they’re only open about 2 hours a day. I’m unsure what you mean by support from women’s aid, it was just website recommendations I have had from them and nothing else.

I can have him removed from the house but I know because of the manipulation my son would go with him which is why I haven’t done this. My aim was to get my son away from his dad then get him out of the house and myself and my children can go back there. If he leaves the house now with my son then I won’t know where he is and I won’t be able to do anything about it.

[Llamaly1]

Just to add, my other son is with me because his dad threatened him with violence so he was scared of him and didn’t want to be with him. He told SS all of this including his dads behaviour towards me and his siblings. Still nothing from them, no talk about it whatsoever, it’s just not a subject they want to discuss at all.

[KIP.]

Most solicitors offer free initial consultation so ring around. Make sure you’re the resident parent and ask about a non molestation order for you and the kids. Get your ducks in a row and then get him removed.

[diymum@1]

You could get in touch with your local MP I did xx he was great and carried abit of weight let him know the services are letting you down xx my advice is keep going and be very persistent

[Eggshells]

Hi Llamaly1

You should have a local dv charity. It’s not always Women’s Aid and the service varies from place to place but it’s worth ringing them to ask for a keyworker or IDVA. You can find your local support using the WA directory. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Ask SS for what their formal complaints procedure is. This might get them moving off their backsides to help your son who is at risk of mental and physical harm. If it doesn’t spur them into action, follow through with a formal complaint.

Unfortunately, the threshold for evidence for the CPS is extremely high. These cases are expensive to try and the police usually need to be able to demonstrate that it is in the public interest. I actually had a recording of my ex confessing. I took the evidence to a judge and he said it was 50/50 whether or not the CPS woukd take the case.
You have still done the right thing in reporting. There is already a record and if the abuse escalates, they already have a background history.

Consider changing your solicitor. I did! Look for one that specialises in Domestic Abuse and interview them before you engage them. Think about the barriers you’ve encountered with your current solicitor and ask “What would they do? How would they respond?”

Unfortunately, it is a battle. If you can get a good support structure around you it will give you someone to lean on for support when you need it.

Take it one step at a time. Your priority now is to get your son safely out of there. xx

[Llamaly1]

Thanks to all of you for your replies.

I emailed my local MP yesterday, you never know he might try and help somehow.
I’ll also try and find a new solicitor but it seems quite limited as to who I can get, this is the 3rd one I’ve tried already.

I have a new DA support worker and spoke to her today, my last one never got in touch with me!

Just received an email today asking if I want to attend a child in need meeting next week and they said my youngest could come along too so he can give his views. He is being manipulated and abused so his views are not his own, he’s too scared to say anything against his dad.

She hasn’t even told me if ‘he’ is going or anyone else.
I do believe it’s my GP who actually arranged the meeting as he told me a couple of weeks ago he was going to try and do this. (He’s very good and supportive) I’m actually seeing him tomorrow morning so I’ll ask.

I’ve not been given any more info other than the day and place.

There was a CIN plan put in place back in (detail removed by moderator) and he has not followed it at all. There was no follow up and we’ve never had a CIN or any other type of meeting before. I’m sure that’s not right?
Surely there should be consequences for not following the plan and surely this should have been addressed a long time ago?
Should it not have already been escalated to a child protection meeting?

Also there’s been domestic abuse so should they be suggesting a meeting where I have to be in the same room as him?
If we are, I know he will kick off at me and rant and rave, talk over me etc because he just can’t help himself. Would this be a good thing so others can see this? Although the SS workers have already been on the receiving end of his behaviour before.

Can I take someone with me and if so what type of person would you recommend? Family member, solicitor, my DA support worker if they do that kind of thing?

So sorry for so many questions and I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

Many thanks 😊

[Wants To Help]

Hi Llamaly,

I’m so sorry to read that you have tried so hard to reach out to people and do not feel like you are being supported properly. I know how demoralising it can be to get to a point where you get the courage to ask for help and none is forthcoming. Well done for keeping on trying, sometimes it really is just us fending for ourselves and we just have to keep on keeping on.

Children’s Services should not be expecting you and your ex partner to be in the same room together trying to come to an agreement if they know there is a history of abusive behaviour. You need to make it quite clear that you will not be attending if he is going to be there.

I’m not sure about answers to the other questions you have asked so I can’t give any more advice.

[Llamaly1]

Hi,

You’re right, it is very demoralising, I feel so helpless.

I don’t want to not attend the meeting otherwise I’ll never know what’s said and won’t be able to put my concerns and questions across.
I spoke to my GP (detail removed by moderator), so it’s not even as though they are finally doing something as it wasn’t their idea!
He said he will join in via video which is good, said (detail removed by moderator).

[Llamaly1]

Apparently he’s not going and they are having a separate meeting. They want my son to attend both meetings which seems a bit much to me.

They will not answer my questions about why he’s not going, if he’ll get minutes of my meeting, if I will get minutes of his and a few other basic questions which all require a basic yes or no answer. They do not want to give me any information about anything! I don’t even know if my son is going to my one!

There isn’t anyone more neutral going which I’m confused about, I thought at least their manager would be going. And if my son isn’t going isn’t that a cause for concern that he’s not letting him go?

My MP relied, which I was quite shocked about really. He said he’s written to the chief executive of the council and the chief inspector of the police and he’ll get back to me once they reply. I’m so pleased he’s actually doing something, you never know, it might prove helpful.

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid and see if someone can sit in on these meetings with you. Keep detailed notes of everything that’s said and I’d record any meetings too.

[Eggshells]

Wow Llamaly1,

With everything else that’s going on, you’ve also got your MP to bring this whole debacle to those who really need to listen.

You are amazing!

Keeping you in my thoughts as I cam imagine that this is all very stressful for you.

Big hugs xx

[Llamaly1]

Hi all,

Thanks eggshells, big hugs back to you!

My son went to the meeting which I’m pleased about but the domestic abuse is still being ignored. The SS worker said that (name removed by Moderator) hasn’t mentioned anything about it so there’s nothing they can do!
I brought up how his dad has thrown things at him and that it hurt him and other things too and he nodded his head in agreement. They know about the anxiety attack too which was brought on directly because of his abusive behaviour towards him and my son had talked about this with them.
Myself, my other children and other family members have also all told them about the ongoing abuse, is all of this not enough?!
It’s just frustrating.

They did another CIN plan, totally ignoring the last one, and placed the emphasis on my son that it’s his plan, his responsibility to comply. I found this to be very unfair and far too much pressure on him. It’s not his responsibility, he is not allowed to make decisions for himself or do what he wants to do. None of the things on the plan have taken place as of yet. It’s his dad’s responsibility to comply.

They said there’s not grounds for a child protection meeting. I’ve read everywhere in official documents that even just witnessing domestic abuse is grounds for a CP meeting but they said it’s not!

My formal complaint has been totally ignored, no response at all.
Not heard back from the MP as of yet or anyone who he contacted.

Another meeting should be taking place in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks but no reply from SS as to a date and time.
My support worker is hoping to come along to that one but if they don’t let me know when it is then she may get booked up and not be able to come.

I’m so frustrated and feel so alone. I fear for my sons safety every single day and every single day I’m being ignored and my son is being abused.

[KIP.]

Ask what training they have had of domestic abuse and child abuse and what experience they have. If they’re making judgments about the abuse of you and your child they should have adequate training and experience. Talk to a supervisor if you’re unhappy with the quality of the person assigned to your case. Quote the guidelines to them in writing. Keep records of every meeting and what was said, you can email confirmation yourself. The NSPCC have a good helpline. Get some legal advice too. Most family solicitors will offer free initial consultations. Don’t give up and don’t believe what they say. Fact check it yourself x

[N-Survivor]

This is really blowing my mind. I’m going through the process of leaving and after my first (but not last) complaint with the police a couple of months ago I also feel there isn’t enough support.

I managed to apply for a non-mol/occupational orders and I have a hearing in a couple of weeks. I got a lawyer. Have no idea if he’s any good.

In the meantime, every day, I need to manage my anxiety which in itself feels like a task too big. I have no actual protection in place.

I commend you for fighting so hard. It’s so demoralising that you’re not getting the desired results. Please keep updating us.

[Llamaly1]

Hi everyone,

I so appreciate your help and support, and I’m sorry for not replying earlier. I hope N-survivor, that that your hearing went well and things are improving for you?

I’m still in exactly the same position. MP got a lame response from council, didn’t even address anything I’d said or any of concerns of questions, just waffled on about nothing.
Response from police via MP, said they’d look into my file and see if there’s anything they can do. Still nothing though.

It took the PC 1 month to tell me about the interview she had with ‘him’. I emailed her back straight after talking on phone to tell her my daughter said she now feels confident enough to do a witness statement, as she had been a witness and victim of him for many years also. This was (detail removed by moderator) ago. She has just emailed me back last night to say the case was closed following an interview and his denial of abuse. He did actually admit quite a few things but he blamed his behaviour on his (detail removed by moderator), which he always does but this is not a valid excuse!

She said she didn’t think there would be any evidential value in my daughters statement in support of my allegations! At the time she took my statement she told me it would be useful if my daughter made a statement as she was a continuing witness and it would help prove controlling and coercive behaviour over a long period of time. (My daughter has been an adult for a few years now)
Also at the time, before the interview, I told her some of his own family members said they would give a statement detailing their accounts of what they have witnessed over the years. I gave her their names and contact numbers. She never contacted them. This was his close, blood relatives!
How can they just close the case without telling me and also not even listen to anyone else who is willing to give evidence? He is abusive to everyone, family, friends, neighbours, strangers, he doesn’t even hide this. There have been so many incidents with so many people and it hasn’t stopped, he’s still the same. He was in A&E only weeks back because he got into such a massive rage and (detail removed by moderator).

So much for the new domestic abuse law!

I might add, she only got in touch with me last night because I did a web chat last week with the police and they said they’d get her to call me, she wouldn’t have done otherwise.

The officer on webchat told me, interestingly when SS first went to the house and saw the (detail removed by moderator), they should have called the police immediately and waited there till they arrived! They’ve been back n forth quite a few times over the year and they never did this! Will they get into trouble over this? Of course not! They have not done their job properly at all but nothing comes of it!

The last CIN meeting went the same as the first, there was no progress whatsoever on the plan and they just redid the plan with the same things, none of which has happened. They even said they had planned on closing the case that day?! How can they do this? This is utterly ridiculous! How can they do another cin plan but then close the case without any follow up?! They are talking out of their backsides it seems.

I emailed the social worker last (detail removed by moderator), I’ve text her, sent another email but no response. This is usual for them.

Still no response at all from my complaint, I now email the council every day. (Complaint was beginning of (detail removed by moderator)) I am getting in touch with the ombudsman now, I couldn’t before because of time limits. I’ve told the council this.

Still haven’t received my information from my SAR from beginning of (detail removed by moderator), just an email to apologise that there is a delay due to the amount of requests they have received, seriously? I’ve told them I’m reporting this to the ICO.

Are things usually this bad? My council are utterly useless with everything!

There are no words to describe how I’m feeling. It’s just never ending with absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Llamaly1

I have only just read your thead here and all your posts.

I shouldn’t be shocked (due to my own experiences), but I am, and horrified that you are doing all this so alone, that your local dv services are not doing more for you, that SS are failing you and your children so badly, and the police too.

I hear that the bar is very high for evidence, but you have so much, and the fact that safeguarding issues have failed also.

You may have hit the nail on the head when you said about him claiming its all (detail removed by moderator). However, he does need to provide medical evidence of this, and if he can, it may be that all services will struggle to bring a case against him because of his (detail removed by moderator) possibly putting him in a vulnerable category. I don’t know, this isn’t something I’m familiar with but wondering whether it might be the underlying issue.

Tbat said, none of it should matter when it comes to protection for you and your children.

Have you tried, or has anyone offered to support you to do a residency order based on all the abuses you have listed?

I admire you greatly, that you are still going, how you are is beyond me! You are still fighting, and I wish so much I could offer more. I am surprised that the MP has effectively gotten nowhere, or the GP.

If you apply for a residency order, I don’t know if that means you would have to attend court with him, or whether it could be granted on your evidence alone? Your poor lad stuck there with him.

My heart goes out to you it truly does. Awful, just awful. It can knock the stuffing out of you just feeling like you are banging your head against a brick wall again and again, fighting for your children. They have no idea the harm to you. The services are all stretched well beyond capacity, from trying to reach the legal advice helpline, to web-chats, and police failures.

At least if there weren’t the failings things would be happening despite the stretched services, but as a result everything is falling through the gaps and noone is trying to catch it, only you, alone.

You deserve a medal the size of a dustbin lid!

The two people that have been able to offer hope have been your gp and mp, can you keep going back to them, at least that will be easier than dealing with people who don’t respond and fail you repeatedly?

Also, phonethe court to ask the office what form you need and how it would work to make a residency order, ad whether, based on the dv, you would have to do this with him present.

Do keep writing here, and reaching for the support. I found my voice once and it failed, its hard to watch someone else going through this, but we are all here for you, and it can be a life-line just to have one channel open. Sending you strength in bucketloads (on top of that you have already shown). Your courage and determination is amazing. All power to you.

Warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

to add, I was recently recommended to call the police crime commisioner is it? The person who recommended this was working in the justice system and knew of a case like yours whether the police weren’t acting and it left her/her children at risk, and everything changed. He was outed, a non-mol put in place and she got to live in her home safe with her kids.

I’m not saying this will happen every time, but its one more thing to try, if you can.

[Llamaly1]

Hi twisted sister,

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time, thank you.

If it wasn’t for my children then I would honestly see no point in me being in this world anymore. I have to keep fighting for them, they are my world.

He had an original diagnosis of (detail removed by moderator) and that really does seem to fit so much more than (detail removed by moderator), he ticks every single box. The person who diagnosed him with (detail removed by moderator), was unaware of this original diagnosis.
He seems to think he can get away with everything if he blames it on (detail removed by moderator) and up until now he has! No one seems to accept that his violent and emotional abuse are something he is and can be in control of.

I can evict him from my home as he’s not actually entitled to be there but I haven’t done this because if I do he will take my son with him and I won’t have a clue where he is then.
I need my son with me first and then I can do that easily.

The MP only replies when I get back in touch with him. He forwarded me the response from the police last week and he received it mid (detail removed by moderator)! I’ve had no direct contact though from the guy who’s supposed to be looking into things or no update via MP.

My GP is really good and seems to be the only professional person who wants to do something. I spoke to him yesterday and he said can’t understand why they haven’t taken any ‘urgent serious action’. He said they have kept him totally in the dark and only knows what’s going on because of me.
He is going to attempt to see my son somehow, he said he’d ideally like to visit him at home but I’m quite sure ‘he’ won’t allow that and I’m not sure he will even take my son to see him at the surgery.
My son has a non urgent, ongoing, undiagnosed medical condition which he is going to use to try and see him. Maybe if he refuses then he could use this to say he’s refusing my son medical treatment? Although he has done this before in a really bad way last year but nothing come of that either when I told SS. I don’t know if I mentioned the incident but I’m sure if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it, it was so bad. I had to take my son to A&E, he wouldn’t even phone 111, my son wanted to go which was the only reason how I was able to take him.

And thank you, yes I will contact the police commissioner right now, I’ve found his details. I didn’t think of that so thank you!

I emailed the education secretary a few weeks back, just in case, I’m contacting everyone I can possibly think of, but not had any response.

I do seem to keep coming back here, I’m drawn here, and it’s because of people like you and the great support you all give, words mean so much. Thank you all.

[Twisted Sister]

hi again and I am very pleaseed to here that its helping you speaking and getting responses here.

I wonder if you could properly go home in a planned manner,as he is not entitled to remain at your property?

That you could advise the police and ask for their back up, to be there when you return because you fear further incidents based on yours and your children’s experiences and that at the same time you would be asking him to leave.

He would simply have to leave, and if you have the police with you, they would have to protect yourself and the children and he would not be able to take your son with him.

You could give notice on where you are, and write a letter setting out all incidents, along with witness statements, and check with the police in advance before he knew anything about it.

I remain so impressed at all you are doing, and can relate, certainly to only existing for the children! After all they do to continually where you down through abuse tactics there’s sometimes not a lot else left, if anything, is there.

warmest wishes

ts

[Wants To Help]

Hi Llamaly,

Reading this I am also appalled at the lack of response you are having. When your write to the Police and Crime Commissioner mention that you believe that if ever your situation came to a Serious Case Review then there are a number of safe guarding failings that will be highlighted, including a failure to fully investigate an offence of CCB by failing to interview witnesses.

With regards to the incident of your partner (detail removed by moderator) can I assume that this is a door in your house? If the door was damaged you can report this further incident to the police as a new incident, not a continuation of incidents. I am assuming that you are willing to go to court if you give a statement of complaint regarding the damage and all of the ongoing controlling behaviour? If it’s not a home he is entitled to be at then he is not allowed in law to damage your property (you cannot commit ‘criminal’ damage to your own property, so technically, you can smash up your own things in a rage, but if doing so causes someone else fear then that’s another offence). Your partner can be made accountable for how he hurt himself. The fact that he had to seek medical treatment means he can’t deny he hurt himself, so he’ll have to give the police some account for his injury, or go “No comment.”

If friends and family are willing to give statements regarding his behaviour then they need to be spoken to. A police investigation for CCB is very lengthy and very hard to prove, it does require evidence from various different sources of his behaviour and how they have seen it affect you. It seems that you now have these witnesses. The complexity of this investigation is often beyond that of response officers and usually lie with a specialist team such as CID or Domestic Abuse.

If your partner is using his diagnosis of (detail removed by moderator) to justify his behaviour, ie. that it is out of control due to illness, then this should benefit you in getting residency of the children and stopping him from taking your son with him. He can’t have it both ways ie. he is so angry he does all those things but is capable of being fully responsible for looking after a child all by himself. If his anger is ‘out of control and cannot be helped’ then this would create a risk for a child to be with him when he has these episodes. If he says his anger isn’t that bad and he can control it, well, he’s responsible for his behaviour isn’t he?

With the evidence you have given it appears the least the police can do is issue him with a Domestic Abuse Protection Notice (formerly a Domestic Violence Protection Notice) which is a temporary eviction notice to get him to leave your house for up to 72 hours. The police then follow this up at court to get it upgraded to an ‘Order’ (DAPO) which then evicts him for 28 days. In the meantime you can then apply for a Non Mol Order to keep him away from you and your address. If he has no legal right to the address then you won’t need an Occupation Order.

Every time a new domestic incident is reported to the police they have to complete a new DASH assessment and ask you the Risk Assessment questions again. This is to assess how things have escalated since the last incident was reported so the risk can be re-assessed. If your previous case was closed then a new one needs to be opened and any new case does not need to be dealt with by the same officer as before.

Even if the outcome is that his behaviour is down to ‘mental health issues/illness issues’ there is still a safeguarding risk to you and your children that needs to be addressed.

I really am surprised that this is not being processed more efficiently, but don’t give up. Hard as this is for you, you are also taking a stance for every other woman who is being failed at the moment, and if ‘lessons learned’ can be made from your situation it should change things for the better for others.

xx

[KIP.]

Ring Rights of Women and ask about an order preventing him from removing your child. That way if he tries to then the police can arrest him and return your child.

[Llamaly1]

Hi all,

The only problem with going back home is the fact that my son will agree to go with him if I get him out. That’s the only reason I haven’t done it so far, I’ve been waiting and hoping that SS will do their job at some point and make the decision for my son that he can’t go with him. I think that’s possibly what my son wants too, he’s carrying a lot of guilt and responsibility that he shouldn’t be about leaving his dad on his own. I think if someone professional tells him officially that he can’t that he would be ok with that and know that his dad won’t blame him for it. It’s all about manipulation with him and my son.

I spent a long while writing out a letter/email to send to the commissioner, then after that I had to stop, I get severe anxiety when I spend a whole day having to text/phone/email/read about all of this, my attacks last at least 24 hours and are totally debilitating.

I didn’t send the email yet so will add on what you said about the case review, very good idea. I will send it today and update here if I get a response.

Yes the incident with (detail removed by Moderator) was in my house, my son told me about it in text so I have screenshots of I ever need them, I have a lot of screenshots! I wasn’t there, I haven’t been back to my home in a long while, ironically the police told me not to go back there for my own safety yet they won’t do anything about it!
Yes, I am willing to court for anything that requires it but it doesn’t look like that will ever happen. So you think his (detail removed by Moderator) kicking is something I can report? Even though I wasn’t there? I don’t know what he told A&E bout how he did it but I’m sure he didn’t tell the truth. Many years ago he hurt his (detail removed by Moderator) when he had someone on the floor with his hands round their throat for quite a while, he told A&E then he hurt it whilst holding something for a long time in an awkward position, he didn’t elaborate! When he smashed up our (detail removed by Moderator) with a (detail removed by Moderator) and had to phone them to get a new one, he said he dropped something heavy on it. This is how he uses words to manipulate situations and people, he tells part of the truth but keeps the worst part back and in his mind he’s not lying!
It does make sense what you are saying, his rage causes not only criminal damage but physically hurts himself, so either way, if it’s his ‘diagnosis’ or just rage, he can’t control and is a danger to himself and others.
It sounds as though this (detail removed by Moderator) kicking event could possibly have caused him some damage, I say possibly as I can’t believe anything he says anymore but he has been causing a lot of fuss recently saying he’s in a lot of pain with his back. (detail removed by Moderator) ago I got a text from my lad just saying they have to go to A&E straight away. I was horrified as I had no idea what was going on and if it was my lad that needed help. I found out through someone else that it was him, complaining about his (detail removed by Moderator) pain and said that a doctor told him via phone call to call an ambulance. He worried everyone, his own dad was made ill through the stress of it. He didn’t call one and instead went to chat with a neighbour (detail removed by Moderator)! He was saying he was in so much pain but did that!

I’ve tried many times to phone rights of women but can never get through. And I can’t seem to find a decent or even semi decent solicitor in my area. I’m not even sure what a solicitor could do for me to be honest. Whilst my son is of the mind that he wants to stay with his dad, his words will be listening too because of his age, no one will accept that these are not actually his own words, they know the whole situation, the manipulation in particular, as my other son and my daughter has told them exactly how he does this and uses it against the children.
My son is too scared to admit he’s scared or that he wants to stay with me. He knows the backlash that will occur if he defies his dad and like I said, he’s filled with guilt about leaving him on his own because he’s ‘ill’.

It’s been over a month know since last CIN meeting and I’ve not heard a word from the SW and my son said he hasn’t either.

If I report the (detail removed by Moderator) kicking, will they take that seriously? I wasn’t there and haven’t seen the damage and don’t actually know what (detail removed by Moderator) it was, I don’t think there’s much left of the (detail removed by Moderator) anymore! What would they do with this info do you know? Will it look like I’m just being petty or something?
I’ve been asked if he gets in touch with me in any way and when I say no they say that I’m safe then. It’s like because he doesn’t ‘bother’ me anymore that means he’s not abusive. I just feel like sometimes they all think I’m just exaggerating or making a mountain out of a mole hill just to be awkward and cause trouble. That really does put me off wanting to get in touch with the police anymore. Maybe that’s their plan, time saving tactics for them.

Thanks again everyone and hugs to you all.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Llamaly1,
Just read your posts, and it almost felt like I was reading my own recent experiences. The place where you were since early last year, I am exactly at that position since (detail removed by moderator). Called the police 3 times and they showed zero sympathy or belief in my claims, leaving my abuser to be more clever & powerful. They tried to portray the abuse as affections. And your right about the support systems too, there are none tbh, womensaid direct you to some useless websites, some give you numbers to call which you never get thru, called local domestic abuse twice in the last month and gave details with the promise of they would get someone to call, but never happened.

I also don’t understand the meaning of the new law of coercive control, does it mean a person has to be physically tied with ropes etc to prove they are being controlled? Harassed & abused. As one of the police officer that visited asked me, ‘if the car outside was mine and if I am able to go outside with it, if yes then that means I am not controlled by my partner. I said I go for only necessary shoppings as he won’t get it, & I have to rush back quickly or I would be in trouble & even then I face the abuse. The Police did not believe me about abuse but they said to me they should remove just me to a hotel etc, if I am scared. I did not agree. As I did not want to leave my children, I suffered abuse for decades for this reason only so I don’t get to separate from my children, as they were younger then.

I have two older teenagers, and they have also suffered anxiety and panic attacks due to witnessing the abuse, and my oldest one is still suffering from anxiety, but his father still tries to manipulate him, as he is quite vulnerable due to the anxiety he suffered, so his father targets him. I feel so trapped and alone without any support. And solicitors just want money but don’t listen to you, or give you any advice. I truly think you are very brave, I think of giving up everyday while battling with anxiety and other health issues this brings along. I feel your pain, keeping you in my thoughts/prayers. The system fails us victims very badly.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Rafaello15

The police were wrong to say this to you. Many women are not physically held hostage 24/7, as that is a very visible sign, and police should act immediately to remove the hostage taker. What they don’t see is that fear of consequences are just as strong as physical ropes, they are the mental ropes that he knows will keep you complying with his abuses, for fear of even more.

Womens Aid know this, and so do those who have had full training. Sadly, all to many still don’t understand the complexities.

The police saying that, need reporting, as they place a victim in even more risk. Anyone that they speak like that to can feel so overwhelmed, and disbelieved, that they will shut down and accept what is happening to them/children. This means they might never get to hear of this perp again and all the time the victim is at daily risk of continuing harms, psychological/emotional/physical.

I am saddened to hear of your experience. You are not the only one the police have shut down, or ss failed and so on. Also services are stretched, all of them. Its hard work on every level getting the complexities of domestic abuse out there widely. Its a lot more complex a level than many work on.

No excuses, they are all there to serve the public, to try to protect the women and children caught in it, and put an end to domestic abuse.

Its so empowering to hear Llamaly1 talk so frankly of the reality of her experiences so that other women struggling the same will feel they are not alone, and not going mad! This is the brutal reality for many. Its vital that voices are raised and heard, that struggles are shared, strength is gained, and self-belief grown so that action will be taken.

warmest wishes

ts

[Llamaly1]

I’m so sorry rafaello to hear you’re going through the same thing, it is so disheartening when no one will help, especially those that their job is to do exactly that.

The first thing I did was to come here and I had a webchat, they directed me to my DA support worker, that was an easy process which I’m so grateful for as my original support worker was absolutely great. Unfortunately she left and the next one was terrible, she is not working there anymore, sacked I’d imagine! My new one now is very good though.
Apart from that, no one else has been helpful at all.
I spoke to the NSPCC who listened and gave me some advice which I was grateful for, they just reaffirmed that the police and SW was not doing their job properly, I kept thinking I was going mad and thought I must have been in the wrong.

And I totally agree, what is the point in the new DA law when the police don’t do anything about it or follow it!

My eldest teen is having therapy but my ex (detail removed by moderator). He knows that if he does they might be able to explain to him how wrong his father is and how he doesn’t have to put up with it. He is totally manipulating him because he knows he’s can. He still tries very hard to do the same with my eldest but he doesn’t want any contact with him at all so he can’t get to him anymore.
He even tried (detail removed by moderator) to back him up and go against me!

Do you have a DA support worker? Or have your children been offered counselling? I don’t know how much these services differ by area as to how easy they are to access.

Yes my solicitor was the same, no advice, didn’t know what to do and they’re supposed to specialise on family law and domestic abuse! It’s so hard to find a decent one, I’m yet to find one in nearly (detail removed by moderator).

I received a response from the police commissioner’s team/receptionist…apparently he doesn’t get involved with operational issues? But has said that he is paying the info to my local police force to ask them to look into my case and report directly to me and to inform them of the outcome. They have also requested a briefing into the handling of my case. Not what I was hoping for but better than nothing I guess. Although saying that, my local MP said he’d referred the matter to someone and that was a month ago and I’ve heard nothing.

Got a couple of sentences from SW today, not answering any of my questions yet again but saying she’s ‘hoping’ to go and see them this week and she’ll update me! It’s been over (detail removed by moderator) since last CIN meeting and the plan has not been followed, they did say things would have to be escalated if it wasn’t followed again but I just know they’re not going to do that.

Apart from going to the media, which I really really don’t want to do, I’m out of ideas now.

It’s all the hanging around waiting for responses, no one is taking this seriously or seeing the urgency, and every day that goes by my son is suffering and being further manipulated and alienated against me. It’s been almost (detail removed by moderator) since things got bad and I asked, begged for help, apart from all the previous years and years of abuse. I just don’t understand it, why the so called professionals are not doing their jobs and helping my son.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Llamaly1

You are doing all you can, thats so clear and obvious, and if services don’t do their part, it doesn’t mean anything in terms of what you know is happening. I could have written that part about your child being too scared to say anything to anyone because of guilt and fear of consequences, we and many others have experienced the same.

Police not responding is not your doing, neither is SS not fulfilling their duty of care to your son. I absolutely agree with you, if the police tell you to stay out of the area for your own safety, why is the child not safeguarded also by them and removed to be with you. Its straight up madness, that they would think your boy is safe.

You can report any incident as abuse to the child, when the child is present when the abuse happens. Seeing your father kick through a door, the rage and force that takes, is extremely scarey for a child to witness, so yes, your child is now left alone there with this monster, and the police and ss need this evidence to get him removed, as its not possible for a child to not feel fear in the face of such rage and violence.

Do report it, and send in your evidence. You are very strong and we don’t doubt you here, I believe a lot still don’t understand the full complexity and impact of domestic abuse so they trivialise it, and for sure, hearing it minimised this way is one of the hardest parts of trying to live with abuse, that others can so easily undermine your normal reaction to such an abnormal experience.

Keep strong, and believe in yourself.

Warmest wishes

ts

[Rafaello15]

Hi Llamaly1,

Thanks for the reply. Hope you are well.
Indeed very disheartened and hopeless, just want to shut off from everything at times. I am also new here.
I don’t have DA, womens aid directed me to my local domestic abuse and they never got back to me after contacting twice and giving them most details of the abuse.
In regards to counselling, my GP directed my oldest teenage son to ‘Talking Therapies’; my Son does not feel ready to talk to anyone about it.

Please update here if you get any response from the Police commissioners team or if there trying helps. Thinking of going that route maybe?

I can imagine how you fearing for your Son, as I live in the same house but cannot leave my Son alone for a while, when his father is home or he would start manipulating my Sons, thats all their father does now when talking to the boys.

I was wondering, if anyone tried complaining against the police over not recognising abuse and making excuses for abusers?

I agree the professionals don’t do their jobs. Then they wonder why Women take years & years to leave.

Please keep fighting it gives others like us some hope to fight too.

Take care of yourself.

[Rafaello15]

Hi Twisted Sister,
Thanks for the warm wishes & kind words.
I agree with you, what Llamaly1 is doing is great, awareness is important.
And it will help us all.

And you are right, Police need reporting for this kind of behaviour, and that too on two occasions. Need to look into that, just thinking – is it even worth it..
I am sure the Police know how their behaviour was inappropriate, then how do they do it, if they know reporting would make any difference to them etc; just a thought.

Take care. Warm wishes.

[Llamaly1]

Hi all,

Well would you believe things still aren’t sorted and SS closed the case shortly after I last posted, without escalating and with no improvements.

Since then, he put my sons life at risk by not taking him to A&E by specific request of 999 as ambulance would take too long (detail removed by Moderator) and it was very urgent. Police had to escort them there.
Shortly after he was arrested for (detail removed by Moderator) related activity, was charged, released on bail now they’ve just dropped all charges even though they had all the evidence up to supply level.
Son has told me and various professionals that he’s suffering from depression. He’s still not washing, eating or sleeping properly and everything else that was previously going on.
Despite several referrals from police, NSPCC, GP and other professionals, no involvement form SS, they just told me they are not taking the matter any further, despite all referrals and mountains of evidence of abuse and neglect.
MP is contacting people but nothing is happening.
Can’t find a solicitor for legal aid.
Police closed my case of (detail removed by Moderator) without taking statements from many willing witnesses which would have corroborated my statement and provided more evidence.
They recently charged him with (detail removed by Moderator) as I had voice recordings, hours worth, but they have just dropped those charges too saying insufficient evidence even though it was all there for them to hear and was so blatantly obvious and even included more controlling and coercive behaviour!
My sons mental and physical health is rapidly deteriorating and they are well aware of this but still nothing.
He actually put my sons life at risk, which was witnessed and documented by the police and was only resolved by their involvement. The very definition of significant harm and they did absolutely nothing! I just can’t get my head around it all.
I’m hanging on by a rapidly dwindling bare piece of thread.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Llamaly1

you are not alone love. I can heard your desperation, and completely understand it. You have been completed and utterly stonewalled whilst fighting with every fibre of your body to protect your son, your children.

It must be hugely scarey, and as I was reading this thread through again, I was hoping upon hope that it finished with a positive update and horrified to find its got even worse.

Is he still doing the (detail removed by Moderator) and putting your child’s life at risk? Now may be the time to act, (detail removed by Moderator) This is even other professionals who truly should have some clout with ss, that are either completely ignored, or there isn’t the staffing levels needed to even look at the most serious of cases. I wonder if they actually did take everyone seriously they would take the next twenty years just trying to deal with the current cases, let alone new ones.

You have all the professionals on side, except Police and SS. This is a sickeningly familiar story of how much time and energy by other professionals is simply wasted when it lands on deaf ears, and the huge risk that results.

Whatever happened to your local domestic abuse services? Have they all disappeared/not helping?

every strength to you for keeping on and on at this, fighting and fighting. i don’t understand what seems to be the total apathy to the daily damage drugs and abusers are doing to families, and greater society.

Can you get him charged again, and then change the locks once they’ve arrested him, because he won’t be able to take his son with him then? Is my only thought at the moment, would it be a possibility?

warmest wishes & strengthening hugs to you

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

Just had another thought…have you heard of Family Rights Group, I believe they work with those who have received a raw deal from SS? Where SS haven’t carried out their duty, and will help you with it.

Look them up under FRG I think, see if they might be an appropriate place to for your situation.

Again, so sorry how bad it is, I really hope they can be of help. I do hate just throwing more signposting at anyone, especially someone who has been pushed through so much of it for so long, but it is just one thing I could think of that may possibly help you. There’s nothing worse than being handed hope to have it cruelly snatched away again, see how you get on, and let us know.

There’s also Coram, who run a childrens service, free advice and support I think, they may be worth looking into.

I truly hope there will be something from one of these, and we will keep looking.

warmest wishes

ts

[Llamaly1]

Hi TS,
Thanks for replying again, you have been very supportive, thank you xx

Yes it is truly shocking how SS are not doing anything, I just don’t understand it, especially as there is so much evidence from everyone, it makes no sense at all.

He was (detail removed by Moderator) until maybe (detail removed by Moderator) days ago, the police left some behind! He hasn’t got cash to buy any and I doubt (detail removed by Moderator), but who knows, now all charges have been dropped. I don’t get that either as they had all the evidence,(detail removed by Moderator) so how can they just drop charges?! (detail removed by Moderator)

If my lad got ill again I’m quite certain he wouldn’t let me know this time because of what happened before, I haven’t heard from him since (detail removed by Moderator) when I saw him.
Should the adult mental health services have got involved when he put my sons life at risk? He suffers from severe mental health issues and surely they should have done something then, he could even have been sectioned because of putting someone’s life at risk!

I’m still in touch with my DA support worker though not as often. She is really good though. I’m hoping so be able to speak to her this week again, maybe she can get on to SS again.

I really don’t understand the police either, they charged him with so many things including (detail removed by Moderator) against me but then dropped everything, this makes no sense, this could have really helped with the whole situation. I’ve been desperately trying to get them to re-open my (detail removed by Moderator) case but they just refuse, even though they didn’t thoroughly investigate it and he’s still at it too. Child abuse is a criminal act so why are they not doing anything about that either, just passing the buck to SS and they pass it back!

I’m on the frg forum, they say to just keep on at SS which I’m doing but not getting anywhere. I’ve tried phoning coram and another place I can’t remember the name of now, but can’t get through.

This is really hard on my other children too, they are so worried about their brother and it’s making them ill too.

[Twisted Sister]

hi

There are two major national issues in crisis here: 1. the levels of domestic abuse, 2. Services to tackle it.

In this forum, we are suffering under both the abuse in all its evil and degenerate forms on adults and children, and the harms that come to us from trying to reach and engage services that are there to protect us, help us, make it stop.

This is not me saying that its all the people in these services that are awful, although most certainly many of us here have met many of those, but that these services do have the most awfully damaging people and processes, and lack of, for those they are supposed to be helping. (detail removed by Moderator) acknowledgement of how tortuously impossible this must be to spend their days working in trying to help against this background, including dire lack of funding.

This second issue is a whole other crisis of its own for women and children already in or post abuse, to try to navigate and cope with. It is now, and always has been, a massive public safety issue, and another huge trauma to try to heal from.

I note your reply also Wants To Help, and had no idea the lengths you have gone through to raise the profile of this particular crisis. Its always been said that courts retraumatise victims, and finally some steps are now more routinely in place and new protocols introduced, but as a nation we are not acknowledging the level of harm our own govt services are doing to its citizens, all the while the third sector agencies are collecting govt money to fight with theose organisations in trying to make them work!

I have lost count of the number of failures I have encountered in trying to achieve some acknowledgement or support, and this is why I feel that it is harmful to signpost (pass the buck), without a full explanation of setting expectations. Saying, for example, please try calling NDV Helpline, or Webchat, or RoW, or even Samaritans, NSPCC, Coram…any of those and more, without prefacing that with a warning, that it can take much persistence to get through, and to hear other women talking about how long they’ve been trying to reach help unsuccessfully, and just been ‘passed around’, as we have.

Women come to the forum and find huge relief that they ‘are not alone’, whilst also obviously acknowledging how terrible it is that other women are also suffering this, well the same goes for me when it comes to answering posts like yours Llamaly1, that its bringing me out of desperate isolation to a degree when I hear how hard its also been for you, and others, much as that is awful for you to be suffering too.

I go back to the very real phenomenon of women not feeling believed in their reports of abuse, and in parallel with that, that not receiving understanding /belief leads to a feeling that either it didn’t happen, or that they deserve this treatment. When a woman feels she deserves this treatment [because of poor response to requests for help] the services aid the work of the abuser to continue the suffering under the effects of abuse for the woman.

Last night I was pushed to extremes (no details), the response I received did exactly this, left me feeling like I was the abuser, I wasn’t believed, and that I didn’t deserve any better treatment, and this is how I remain to this day, during and beyond all the years of abuse. To hear that others experience the same, countless of whom, have probably lost their lives, lost their fight, taken their own lives, is both a modern day tragedy of decades, probably centuries, and an invaluable connection and affirmation to all the others struggling along that same steep mountainous rocky climb.

Its long since time that this was all over the media, and I applaud anyone brave enough to speak out about this, it needs shouting from every roof top, but many are at too much risk to speak, or broken by it.

I hope that the contributions on your thread Llamaly1 will be giving you some solidarity from all us sisters, that we are with you, alongside you, hear you and hope for you. I’m glad you have already found the FRG forum, have the FRG actively supported your efforts with the SS, do they get involved other than giving you a forum to talk to others about it? is it possible to write to Coram? I don’t know I haven’t tried and don’t know what likely response you would get, but I keep hoping for you, for us all, that help will come.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

sorry, I missed a question you asked about adult mental health services, and I would say absolutely yes, if anyone presents a risk to themselves ‘or others’, isn’t this a standard protocol that runs through mental health services intervention, and police though also?

x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Llamaly1,

From what you have described you have done so much to raise awareness of your concerns you cannot be faulted. God forbid that anything happens to your son there will be so many jobs lost in the professional services from the sounds of it.

Many years ago when I was going through my abusive situation I was also left high and dry by the services that were supposed to help. In the end I went to the press. I found a sympathetic journalist who covered my case and it went in the newspapers (all had to be anonymous due to ongoing Family Court process) and I was also interviewed by a reported and appeared on TV on a national news channel (was able to appear as myself for that.) It raised more awareness and helped the local MP get more involved with certain issues.

Sadly, too many young children have been reported dying over the past year at the hands of their parents/parent’s new partners so this is a very important topic that is in the spotlight right now. Going to the press may help you.

(detail removed by Moderator) There are just not enough staff to deal with the increasing caseloads so things get missed, or ‘made done with’ and hope for the best! For those of us that care and want to do the best it is hard to (detail removed by Moderator) see these failings, and no matter how much we complain about it there is nothing we can do to make it better.

[Twisted Sister]

the above reply to Llamaly1 was in part also to address some of the points in your post too, Wants To Help.

[Wants To Help]

Thanks TS x

[Watersprite]

Hi Llamaly1 what a travesty that you are not only dealing with him, trauma, safeguarding concerns, health worries for your son but that services are letting you down. This is not how society should behave when we are at our most vulnerable. One last thought – can’t say much but I have had contact with the local safeguarding board. They have a childrens board and they do serious case reviews in cases of serious harm. Your case would not meet that criteria but you could see if they would look into your concerns? It would be a very outside chance so don’t want to raise hopes but just a thought?
Wantstohelp – Amidst the appalling we have had the most amazing support too from professionals like you above and beyond every day so thank you so much for what you do 🙏 x

[Wants To Help]

Thank you Watersprite, xx

[Llamaly1]

Hi all, I’m back again.

No progress still, things still the same and I’m still working on things but new, urgent problem and I really don’t know what to do.

My youngest who is still with his dad talked to me last night and told me on several occasions over the past year and a half he has had suicidal thoughts and almost acted upon them twice. He said it was only because his dad came in the room, at what he said was bad timing, that he didn’t do it. He said his dad doesn’t know this bit.
He didn’t want to tell he how he had planned to do it or how recent the last time was but said within the last 3 months, I gathered it had been very recent, maybe within the last week or so.

I sat and listened, I let him talk, I somehow managed to stay calm, didn’t panic. I said how pleased I am he told me and said how I’m always here for him for any reason and he can tell me anything anytime, no matter what it is and all I wanted as his mum was for him to be happy, healthy and safe and I would do what I could to help with that.

I offered to arrange for him to see a therapist, to see the counsellor my other son is seeing, (who is very informal) to see the GP, talk to any other family member or friend, to ask a social worker for help (pfttt) to have someone come to the house, for me to either be there or not when of he wants to talk to someone, for him to phone a helpline, talk to someone on webchat, visit helpful websites, come stay with me for a while, research medication that be helpful. He said no to everything, he said he wants to deal with it himself and doesn’t think any professional can help him.
I said he can phone or text me and come round anytime of the day or night.

He said he had told his dad about some of this a while ago now, he has done nothing to help. I know he has talked him out of seeing a therapist as he doesn’t agree with them and never has and has always tried to talk everyone out of seeing them. He says they put thoughts in your mind and create false memories etc. It sounds as though he may have told my lad that if he tells them about having suicidal thoughts then they will section him and make him take medication against his will. I told him to look it up online to see what might happen and he did right then, he found that they wouldn’t tell anyone unless he was saying he was going to do it. This still didn’t change his mind though and he is very adamant he doesn’t to want to speak to anyone else about this. His dad is also very anti-medication of any kind, even as basic as vitamin supplements.

I am all out of ideas of what to do, without breaking his confidentiality and trust in me, I want him to know he can come to me anytime and that I will respect his choices. But I’m worried out of my mind.

If anyone has any advice I would so greatly appreciate it.
Thank you.

[Lisa]

Hi Llamaly1,

Its positive that your son felt safe enough to open up to you. It is worrying that he is having these thoughts.

If you are worried about your child’s welfare, I would encourage you to contact the NSPCC helpline, which is staffed by trained professionals, who can provide confidential expert advice and support to those concerned about children, and parents looking for advice. They are contactable on 0808 800 500, help@nspcc.org.uk: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/

Childline is available on 0800 11 11 if a child needs to talk about anything that worries them. This is a 24 hour, free confidential helpline for children and young people.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Watersprite]

Heartbreaking for you – everyone will tell you to make sure you look after yourself and it feels like the last thing you have energy to do but actually incredibly important you need resources to be able to help him.
Young minds is a fantastic resource
Give him the number for the text service SHOUT
Samaritans
There is a good app called staying alive depending of course on his age.
The best and most amazing thing is he is able to be open with you about how he was feeling and you did great.
Sending support xx

[Author]

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