20th March 2021 at 2:56 pm #123585
Hello, I’m new here.
I’m hoping someone can give me some advice please as I don’t know where to turn now.
Long story but I’ll keep it short as poss. Some things I can’t mention as I’m so worried he’s trawling sites like these to see if I’m on them and a lot of things are quite specific so he would recognise it. This will make it awkward tho to get a clear picture of things, this is why I haven’t posted before.
I don’t know if there’s a private message thing on here if anyone in particular could help if I could share privately more of the details?
Anyway, got together (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, have children together, separated (detail removed by Moderator) years ago due to not being able to cope with his behaviour, still live together as he wouldn’t move out.
His behaviour; paranoia, mistrust, OCD’s, anger/temper issues etc.
Examples; always used to look through my laptop/phone to check websites visited, messages, social media. He is not able to do this at present.
Always being accused of having affairs with strangers, friends, family, even since we separated.
Does not trust anyone, not just me.
Paranoid of everyone and everything.
Never has liked any of my friends and would try and put them down and put me off them, even best friend since childhood.
Drives everyone away. Friends and family no longer visit us due to his behaviour, this has been for years now.
Anger/temper/rage, truly awful and so scary. Throws things generally and at me and children. Breaks things, punches/kicks doors, walls etc. Threatens to break mine and kids possessions. These ‘outbursts’ can go on for hours and start because of the simplest of things or even over nothing at all.
Has anger issues with others too, family, strangers, whoever and has been physically violent with others occasionally over the years.
All of us, everyone, walks on eggshells around him.
Has outbursts at anyone, in shops, at doctors, with neighbours, friends, family etc.
Puts me and kids down saying we are useless, don’t know what we’re doing or saying. He knows better than anyone, not just us but anyone.
He makes all decisions, ignores my opinions, views, feelings.
Is being very manipulative with children, including telling them he wants to commit suicide.
Tries to make out I’m loosing my mind and so can’t be trusted.
Spends, spends, spends. Debt, debt, debt.
There is probably a lot more too but I think this is enough to list.
He does not and will not admit he has a problem with any of this, apparently it’s normal behaviour and we are the ones with the problem.
Everyone around us, friends and family, can see what he’s like and knows what he’s like.
There is more but don’t want to go on and like I said some things that are relevant I can’t put here.
For the first time ever I contacted police thinking they could help as I just don’t know what to do and I know something has to be done now because things can’t carry on like this anymore.
One of them was nice but the other was quite rude at times even speaking over his colleague as well as me. He made it seem as though I was making a fuss over nothing and said there was nothing he could do to help and that I just need to move out if I don’t like it. (Which I cant do)
I told them a lot more than what I put here and gave many examples to show this has been going on for a long time and now it is getting a lot worse.
I was in tears most of the time, sobbing sometimes as I was recounting everything out loud to strangers after eventually building up the courage to ask for help and I was made to feel like I was just making a fuss about nothing.
Now he knows I got the police involved so who knows what will happen now. I just want to protect my children and want them to lead a normal life and have fun and be happy and feel safe in their own home and not have to walk on eggshells or feel scared.
I just really don’t know what to do now. I really thought the police would be able to help somehow. If they can’t help me then who can?!
Sorry for the lengthy message.
20th March 2021 at 3:17 pm #123586
Please contact your local women’s aid for support. The behaviour of the police is unacceptable. Ask for an officer from the domestic abuse police unit. Ask your local women’s aid to support you in this. There are laws to have an abuser removed. Try writing down his behaviour from the very first incident. Report it to your GP (excellent evidence) which you may need. Emphasise you fear for the safety of you and your children. Sadly some police officers and not up to it. Do not be put off by this. It’s terrible but we have to fight to be heard. How did he discover the police were involved?
20th March 2021 at 3:44 pm #123587
I kept saying to the police officer that I feared for the safety of my children and thought he may even take them away without me knowing but he kept asking me why, what has happened today, today he kept saying, to make me call them and he said it’s all just what if’s and speculation on my part. I was devastated.
He said it’s not abuse.
I told him I had recordings of some of his outbursts and rantings at me and the children and he didn’t even respond to that let alone want to hear them.
All I’ve been thinking since they went is if they can’t help me and don’t see it as abuse or a criminal act then they/I won’t be able to do anything, I mean with a doctor you can get a second opinion but you can’t really do that with the police.
The children were present when police came, it’s awkward as I cant be too specific with some things just in case he finds this post, I know that’s probably very unlikely but I don’t want to take the risk, but he knows through the children.
I was very confused by the officers behaviour and his seeming lack of wanting to help so I thought maybe I am wrong, but when I have feelings of fear for my children, those aren’t imaginary.
Ok, I’ll get in touch with women’s aid, I have the tab open already. My GP is luckily very good and knows me well.
I will write down as much as I can, there is a lot as it’s been so many years, practically from day one really looking back, hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say, didn’t realise tho until very recently, feel very stupid and naive for that.
Thank you so much for your quick response. I will contact them now if they are available at weekends, I do hope so. And I’ll contact my GP Monday morning too.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your help.
20th March 2021 at 4:15 pm #123588HawthornParticipant
Do please keep reaching out. You’re very brave and what he is doing is most definitely abuse. What a shame the police officer you met was so terrible. Abusive men work in every profession however, (detail removed by Moderator) and didnt like your suggestion that behaviour was abuse.
You dont deserve this, it IS abuse and please do reach out to womens aid. You need and deserve support. You are not alone and we all believe you xx
20th March 2021 at 4:59 pm #123590
You absolutely can go back to the police and get a second opinion. Talk to a trained officer in the domestic abuse unit. There was a woman on here recently who went back with womens aid and made a complaint about the officers concerned. She was given officers who knew what they were doing and her abuser was arrested and removed.
20th March 2021 at 5:12 pm #123591
Thank you both, having others confirm it for me is a relief, I was doubting myself after the police visit.
The other police officer seemed very nice, even though he was wearing a face mask I could see in his eyes that he had sympathy and was concerned. He went through a risk assessment with me but the other guy interrupted and took over, taking the phone out of his hands. He ignored most of what I said and was quite rude to his colleague too. (detail removed by Moderator) he seemed very offended and dismissive of my ex’s behaviour.
The women’s aid chat is not available right now, it’s open again 10-12 tomorrow and there’s no phone number to call. Is there anyway I can ask for someone from the domestic abuse unit myself or would it better to wait until I can speak to women’s aid? I’m just even more worried now I involved the police (detail removed by Moderator) and don’t know what he might do.
Thanks again both of you for your help and support, it really means a lot. I feel like throwing up and my head is banging, I just need it all to stop.
20th March 2021 at 5:51 pm #123592
There is a national domestic abuse helpline that is available 24/7 you can ring and yes you can ring the police and request a visit from a domestic abuse officer. You can also make a complaint about the way you were treated. Did anyone finish your risk assessment and what was the outcome. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman and now your partner knows you’re making plans to leave he can become extremely dang very quickly. Keep your mobile phone on you at all times fully charged. I recorded an assault this way x
20th March 2021 at 6:16 pm #123593
I don’t know if the ones that came were from that dept or not, I’m worried I’ll just get the same one come back again. I don’t remember their names either, not sure they even said them actually.
I don’t know if they finished the assessment but he said there’s nothing they can do to stop him seeing the kids or getting him out of the house, he said he doesn’t see that they are in any danger or anything.
And I’m a bit worried about making a complaint and if it will go against me in anyway, I don’t know.
Yes, now I just don’t know what he might do, I’m so on edge and scared.
21st March 2021 at 12:22 pm #123622
Me again, I was in the queue for the chat for and hour and a half and someone came on so I started to type that I’m still here then it came up that the support worker had closed the chat. I tried again but got cut off at 12.
I was wondering, does anyone know please what information or help the online chat people could give me that would make it better for me to wait till tomorrow and hopefully get hold of someone compared to if I phoned and asked for a domestic abuse officer myself?
I really want to speak to someone as soon as possible, preferably today if I could, but I’m dreading getting the same police officer come round again.
22nd March 2021 at 8:42 pm #123696LisaMain Moderator
I wanted to see if you were able to speak to anyone since posting?
I am sorry to hear you didn’t have a successful Live Chat during the limited opening hours yesterday. The Live Chat can discuss your options with you based on your circumstances and they can signpost you to other services relevant to you.
Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.
23rd March 2021 at 5:37 am #123698
Have you contacted your local women’s aid or victim support. Both can help you deal with the police. If you ring the police you can specify you do not want the same officers again. They will know who they sent. Ask for females if you feel that would be better or ask for a supervisor. Don’t listen to a word your partner says. Abusers are liars. Remember the national domestic abuse helpline is there for you and Rights of Women have a good helpline and website. You can also speak to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice about getting him removed from the home. There’s a non molestation order too that’s a civil court order. Meantime keep all the evidence you can. Try writing a secret journal which is good evidence and talk to your GP x
23rd March 2021 at 8:04 am #123700seaglassParticipant
Hi, I just wondered, as you have children, if you had mentioned it to school? They may be able to, through safeguarding, offer you some help and support?
23rd March 2021 at 2:27 pm #123711
Thanks so much for your replies. Just wanted to update you.
I spoke to someone on the chat yesterday and they were very lovely and helpful.
I have now been in touch with a local domestic abuse team, spent a long time on the phone to them and they took all of the details and have referred me to a branch that can give me a support worker and they will help me with what steps to take next. I’m just waiting on a call back from them either today or tomorrow.
I don’t know yet what they will suggest or how long things may take but at least I have started the process and hopefully it won’t take too long.
I really need some normality back in my children’s lives and mine too. I’m sure it will get worse before it gets better though.
I’m trying to be optimistic but it’s very hard, I still can’t imagine having a peaceful and happy life. I suppose because it’s been so long I can’t believe that it’s a possibility anymore.
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the time you have taken to read and respond and help, I do feel this is a place that I can get some support and I realise I am not alone in this.
23rd March 2021 at 4:03 pm #123714
Ok, so I’ve just had a call from someone to arrange an appt for me for a support worker. Apparently they are very busy this week and the earliest appt is next Tuesday! Now I don’t know what to do!
23rd March 2021 at 4:16 pm #123716
You keep yourself safe. You keep your phone on you at all times fully charged. You consider a refuge if you need to. Look into a non molestation order to have him removed from the property. Persist with the police. They have powers to remove a domestic abuser. You gather whatever evidence you safely can. Start a secret journal. Inform your GP. Start building a support network.
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