Confused ramble of nonsense, so sorry

[ElizabethMary]

It’s been a little while since I last posted. I was…still am, confused. I sure if it is abuse. If I am abusing him.

I am hollow inside. I cannot remember joy. I don’t care about myself. I’ve put on (detail removed by moderator) stone, don’t dye my greys, don’t care about clothes anymore. I don’t text my friends. It’s too heartbreaking because I’ve got nothing to say. How can I tell them what I *think* is going on? It’s so minimal, it’s almost nothing. Is it nothing? I can hear them tell me that I’m just as bad as him. I hear myself telling myself that if I was more supportive he would be less insecure. If I hadn’t pulled away from him, stopped having sex with him, his self esteem wouldn’t be so low. He’d be less irritable. I believe that. Truly, I do.

Since I signed up on here and downloaded lots of the recommended books he has been really kind. Considerate. I imagined the whole thing right? I’m misremembering. Plus it was allll so covert, there was nothing tangible to remember. Snide remarks, a cross tone of voice, insults that were just banter.

But recently, I confided in my boss. Not any details. Just said out loud to someone: I’m in an abusive relationship. Even though since it dawned on me that it *might* be one, he has been nothing but lovely. Not over the top, just pleasant. My boss asked what I needed. I said some time off to figure stuff out. To get my head together. I am struggling, really struggling and I needed time. It was granted. I also booked a telephone call with my GP which I am yet to have. I have it written on the Calender.

Some days later, he (detail removed by moderator) with tears in his eyes, telling me he’s not going to work and that the GP is calling him straight away. He says he needs help with feeling angry all the time. Then says he (detail removed by moderator)  he is having daily suicidal thoughts as an ‘option’ he was crying his eyes out.

I was speechless. I have felt at rock bottom in terms of my mood for a long time, unable to talk to him about it and here he swans in out of the blue telling me this. We also have the same GP who I was going to open up to, but now he’s spoken to him first about feeling suicidal. What kind of heartless absolute cow would I be to then speak with that same GP accusing this person of manipulation and emotional and psychological abuse?!!!

Then that got me thinking that I haven’t been paying attention to him. Just trying to keep as quiet as possible. And then he bares his soul and all I’m thinking is that he’s doing it because somehow (and I really wouldn’t know how), he’s seen that I’ve signed up for here or the books I’ve downloaded (detail removed by moderator)?

It’s just made me question more whether I’m part of the problem. How am I that broken and depressed where I made his depression all about me? And now how am I going to leave this relationship? Because I am not helping him as it is, let alone if I ended it.

Could he really, truly be saying this stuff out of manipulation? I mean, he really isn’t a happy person. I genuinely think he IS depressed. He has changed his ways of late for sure. He even said the other day that (detail removed by moderator). Am I the angry, cross one? I do feel like I am you know.

(Though actually, as I won’t sleep in the same bed as him, (detail removed by moderator). Then that makes me think no, he is the one who is using emotional blackmail isn’t he? And then I’m confused again.

I’m sorry this is a ramble. I don’t really need replies. I just needed to word vomit somewhere safe. I think it’s safe. I’m not sure.

[Weak Link]

Hi,

Your husband sounds a little how mine was before the abuse got worse. I know you were not looking for anyone to reply, but I wanted you to know that it is not you. I often think the same questions and it drives me insane. Is it me? Am I imagining it? Am I abusing him? Someone told me something very useful…’abusers do not question if they are the abuser only the victims do.’ I am slowly learning that it is a form of manipulation.

I am guessing that just like my husband your husband is adored by family and close friends?
I’m still with my husband and I have noticed he becomes nicer if he suspects I am talking to anyone. Could your husband have access to your amazon account to see the books you have purchased? My husband has all our devices linked, except my phone. Even then, my phone has no history saved and I have a code lock on my phone. He monitors everything else constantly, such as websites, social media, car mileage, cctv etc

I am also careful about how much personal info I put on this forum. My husband found out I was trying to get help a few years back. Initially he was extra kind, but after a month it was not pleasant to be around him. It does make it harder to explain everything to members on here, but it ensures my safety.

I know it is difficult, just be safe. xx

[Author]

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