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Hi, I’m new so I hope I’m posting in the right place…I’m sorry if this seems really pathetic in relation to what so many of you brave women are dealing with but I’m feeling really confused and I don’t think my family and friends quite understand so I hope you don’t mind me venting…
To keep it short (I’ll try!), my ex emotionally/psychologically abused me until things came to a head recently, which resulted in me finally leaving for good. It was an agonising decision and I had to abandon my entire life that I had built with him – home, country, job etc.
Since moving away, he has repeatedly tried to contact me in spite of me saying I need space from him & then, when he didn’t respect this, blocking him in every way I possibly could (mobile/whatsapp/Skype etc). I ended up having to change my phone number as he was using 141 to leave messages on my voicemail etc. The only thing I haven’t been able to block him on is my email, although I’ve tried a few different ways to attempt this but without success. However, I haven’t responded to anything since he threatened my (detail removed by moderator) with a gun as that was the final cut off point for me.
In his emails, it’s clear he’s getting frustrated with my silence and he has used pretty much every tactic under the sun – pleading with me to contact him, promising me the world, intimidating me, threatening me etc. Deep down, when I’m feeling logical (!) I know these are just different attempts to get a response from me (‘any dialogue is better than none’ kind of thing) but his latest email has really got to me. He’s declaring his love for me and so on, saying he wants me to go back, we are meant to be together etc, which I kind of know is again probably what he thinks I want to hear, but I feel so confused by how sad and low this is making me feel. It makes me shaky in my conviction of what I experienced and I start to question myself. I guess what I’m wondering is how any of you might have dealt with similar things and am I doing the right thing in continuing to not respond?
Sorry for rambling on – I know it sounds really lame but I think my family and friends – though incredibly supportive in other ways – are maybe thinking I’m silly or weak for not being angry or whatever and that I still feel confused about my feelings towards him…but I guess these things are complex, as emotions always are.
Thank you for giving me the space to vent and I wish you all well in your journeys X
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Hi Honour,
You’re doing great with the no contact. It makes a huge difference when they know how to get to you. Or they don’t quite know but try every tactic under the sun until something gets through.
I’m sure your family don’t think those things and please believe you are not weak. What your doing shows your strength.
Try reading why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it’s very helpful. If it is emotional and not physical abuse you feel more like your imagining it. Misjudging and that lets his guilt tactics in. This book helps you see it for what it is, but it does take time.
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He threatened you with a gun? This man will kill you if you give in. Keep doing what you do, NO CONTACT!
Can you change your email address?
If he did really love you, he would have never abused you. Real love cannot see the loved one hurt and sad. They always want to see them happy and they will do everything for them to be happy. He is just behaving like that because he has a very sick mind. Losing is unbearable for him. He always wants to be in control. If he cannot decide what happens with you but you made the decision …. that is too much for his sick mind to digest.
Hang in there building your new life! And keep posting! x*x -
Thank you so much Ayanna 😊 you’re right – I’m sure it’s about control…plus he’s so delusional that he’s now saying (in an email) that HE asked me to leave…🙈🙄 which obviously isn’t the case but it’s like he can’t handle the fact he’s lost control of me so is creating a different story – one where he saves face and which he’ll end up believing…so you’re dead right – he has a sick mind.
He didn’t threaten me with a gun but my (removed by moderator) … How you can claim to love someone and threaten their family is ridiculous! And crazy as his mind is, he was texting me within minutes of this telling me he misses me, as though he doesn’t think my (removed by moderator) will tell me. Or else he thinks he can manipulate me so much I’ll stick by him & not my (removed by moderator) (he used to boast about being a ‘master manipulator’). Kind of scary really.
Anyway, thanks for your support – it means a lot. Have a lovely weekend 😊
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Hello and welcome. Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven is another great book. Also Google trauma bonding. I can’t stress enough how important total no contact is. Contact means mind games, painful. These men don’t play by any rules. You will never get closure. It hurts and confuses when they are nice to us but it’s just a mask. It’s worth making a new email address or delete his before you read them. Stay strong. I’ve had physical and mental abuse and I can tell you the mental scars are very much still there x keep posting. This site saved my life❤️
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Thanks KIP and Godschild for those recommendations – that’s really helpful…I will get reading! 😊
I’ve got a new email address but have had to keep my old one active unfortunately…but I know I need to ignore his emails rather than read them, you’re right. I guess I haven’t been able to help reading them cos it’s like I can’t stop worrying about his reactions/attitude to me even though he’s physically far away…but then I guess it’s learnt behaviour after living on eggshells and in fear of him isn’t it? I would delete them to take away the temptation of reading them but my caseworker from a local charity has said I need to keep all of them as he’s been harassing me so I need to file everything in case I need to go to the police…so I just need to be a bit stronger really. I’m so sorry to hear your scars are still there KIP – it’s horrendous the damage they are capable of…but it shows such bravery to come through it ❤️x*x
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Hi,
Another good book is ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker, especially chapter 8 ‘Persistence, Persistence (Dealing with people who refuse to let Go’.
It reiterates the importance of No Contact and how to withstand our abusers persistence attempts for us to engage with them. Eventually they will stop but any tiny bit of contact from us engages them again (adds fuel to the fire), so essential we give our abusers no reaction.
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Hi lover of no contact 😊
Thanks for your message – that sounds like a really good chapter to read so I’ll look for it online and order it. It makes sense that no contact is the only way as any attention is better than none I guess as they can then manipulate and play mind games with us.
I found out last night that his mum is going around telling everyone that he’s heartbroken and suffering cos he ‘opened up his heart’ to me in an email and I didn’t even respond…so once again he’s the victim. It makes me so angry and my stomach is churning with tension but then I know it’s easier to see her little boy that way rather than the manipulative, angry, cruel and controlling egotist he is…but she would have happily sacrificed my wellbeing to try and appease him. She’s terrified he’ll try and commit suicide again and I think she thought with me there it might prevent that from happening. Arrrghhhh 😡 should have known this would happen but even though I know that, it still hurts and angers me deeply xx
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