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I’m not feeling well today. I had the covid vaccine and woke in the night with horrendous chills and fever. I’ve had to see to my child and pet and come back to bed. It’s when I feel poorly I feel so vulnerable and I miss my ex so much. The thing is he was rarely kind or caring when I was ill. He’d have been mad if this had happened when we were together. He hated me being ill and thought I should get on with it and not rest. My GP once told me I needed rest and he went off it. I’m guessing I probably feel sad that I just want someone to take care of me. Yet why am I tearful and pining? I’ve been wondering if I’m burying my feelings by being busy too much and when I’m forced to stop the sadness and anxiety takes over. Very confused x
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Good Morning Hetty sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish! You are doing so well on your journey and it’s such early days. Part of the process is grief and loss and pausing and allowing it – it’s completely normal and it will pass x I’m further down the line but YES can agree completely the vulnerability of feeling unwell all the responsibilities by yourself and aloneness – such a trigger. Those times I remind myself that actually that he wouldn’t have been kind or caring or helped even if he pretended to for a few hours and that I’m safe and ok and this too will pass. Hope you feel better soon – you’ve got this! Xx
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Oh Hetty what a shame you’re feeling ill-on the upside it’s a good sign that youre generating a robust immune response to the vaccine👍
My ex was the same about me being ill; I basically wasnt allowed and had to get on with it. Or he would pretend to be sick too and demand I looked after him! It’s pretty classic abusive behaviour apparently. Thank goodness we’re away from them.
I wonder how much of the tearfulness is because, as you say, you just want someone to look after you when you’re sick. Doesn’t sound like much to ask and there’s a lot of grief in processing all the years you haven’t had that. I know in my case my mother behaved the same way when I was sick as a child so I’ve never had the experience of being looked after while being unwell. And yet I spend my life caring for others.
Can you let yourself wallow in it for a bit? Crying does help, especially tears for yourself. Its self-compassion, not self pity. There’s no one telling you to get up and get on with it now. Relax in bed or on the couch, let your son online all weekend if needs be, order a take away and give yourself that care and kindness you never got from your ex and that you give so freely to others. You deserve it.
Hope you feel better soon xx-
Thanks hawthorn. These side effects are really nasty but all good in the long run. My son has just brought me juice and crisps in bed. He knows how to look after others as I’ve done that for him.
I’m going to mother myself this weekend and not feel bad. I think it takes a long time to get out of the old mindset. Like what am I actually worried about if I lie in bed and eat crisps today? My ex isn’t here. Takes a while to stop looking over our shoulders xx
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