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I have left my abuser in the last year. Abuse is still ongoing and there are ongoing issues around child contact.
I know that he is an abuser, I know that he had a history of this behaviour (unfortunately I didn’t know this until I was sucked in by him) and I don’t trust him at all.
Despite the fact that I know all of this, despite all the pain that he is continuing to cause and despite my fear of him, I am still experiencing confusion because I can still hear his voice in my head and I can hear him talking himself out of everything and twisting everything around to be my fault.
It is absolutely exhausting and I am worried that this will never stop. -
I would never want to be with him ever again but at the same time I am heartbroken.
It is all so confusing and sad.
I think almost more than anything, I am mourning what I thought we would have and who I thought he was. -
I’m so sorry you are going through this and I just want to say that I hear you. I’m going through something similar. And I completely get it. It’s like mourning what could have been if he’d been the person you’d hoped he could be. But he isn’t and never will be. It was an illusion.
And hearing his voice is all I do. I’m trying to use it to get an advantage in leaving but he keeps finding new things to hold against me.
Wishing you strength in these difficult times.
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Hi Glasshalf, thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it.
I’m so sorry about what you are going through.
Leaving was one of the hardest and most daunting things that I have ever done because I knew what he would be like. I’m so glad that I have left but I am so heartbroken by it all still. I can’t properly get my head around how I know what he is and I chose to leave yet I still feel so sad.
If you haven’t already, if you are able to and if it is safe for you to do so, I would recommend reaching out the national domestic abuse helpline. They have been so incredible with their support of me.
Sending strength and love to you. -
Thank you for your advice. I have spoken to helpline. And a lawyer. The advice to protect myself is report to the police.
I’m just not ready to do that. It feels so backhanded of me and malicious.
I realise how much control he has over me when I spoke to the lawyer and said I felt comfortable meeting with her (and eventually telling him I’ve got a lawyer) because he told me to speak to one…
I’m also so worried about the impact of the breakup on the kids. Trying to outline what best case scenario is for me right now in relation to custody… -
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Sorry you are feeling this way. It makes me so angry so many of us are going through this.
Similar situation here, he makes comparenting sooo so difficult its hard to get a clean break and I often waste hours just feeling stressed when kids with him as I know they wont be having a good time. He drains everyone’s energy and is still trying to control me and make everyone feel sorry for him, he’s such a victim and I was evil to leave and destroy the family (not his abusive behaviour for years).
I also struggle to just forget about him, its a mix of worrying about and fearing him…
I guess all we can do is continue to work on ourselves, share our stories and seek support.
I still have a few years before kids are both in uni and hope I’ll be free-er then… 🙁-
Hi Eyeswideopen, thank you for youe response. Our situations sound so similar. Our child is still (detail removed by Moderator) and I imagine that our future is going to be shaped around his control games and how he is always the victim.
He is constantly getting into serious problems with people, constantly threatening and engaging in legal action with others, yet he is always the victim.
I hate what he has done to me, what he has done to exes and what I know he is going to do in the future. I hate myself for allowing him to do this.
Sending love and strength to you and your children.
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