Consent

[Newbeginnings1234]

Hi, I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask this, but I’ve spoken to rape crisis before and although they were helpful, I’m still confused. During my previous relationship there was quite a lot of sexual abuse, and one time which I’m 100% sure was rape, which I reported to the police. But there were lots of other times that I’m now wondering if they would be classed as rape as well. At least once a week my Husband would try to pressure me into sleeping with him. I would repeatedly say no and push him away but he would either get angry and aggressive or upset and threaten to kill himself and I would eventually just say something like “ok” or “fine” because I was scared of what would happen if I kept saying no (based on other times where he was physically or sexually abusive when I’d said no). Although it must have been obvious to him that I didn’t want to (I would lie completely still and not move at all, refuse to look at him and turn my head away if he tried to kiss me), I still said yes, so I don’t know if it would be classed as rape or not. Rape crisis said that saying no because you’re scared isn’t consent, but I’m still confused.

[maddog]

So many rape myths abound, and one of them is that it only happens to women wearing short skirts in dark alleyways with a stranger. No consent is necessary when the rapist thinks of you as an object. No consent= rape. Have you seen the tea video? It is helpful in explaining consent in a very simple way.

My ex never bothered about consent and so many times he raped me. Because he didn’t use force I didn’t recognise it as rape for a very long time though I knew there was something wrong and I did’t like being used as a sex toy. It’s a horrible thing to get your head around.

[KIP.]

Have a look at Thames Valley Police video on YouTube about rape and consent. It’s called a cup of tea. Sex must be given freely without fear of consequences. Without intimidation or coercion. No means no. No is a sentence with a full stop x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks, I don’t know why I even care so much about what to define it as, because it doesn’t change how I feel about it, but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about it. I suppose I’m just confused because I technically still said yes, and when I mentioned it to the police they just ignored me and moved onto talking about the time that he did use force and I did say no. They didn’t write it down in the statement or mention it when they interviewed me, so I just thought that maybe it was normal and happens in all relationships, or at least in all abusive ones x

[KIP.]

The police did the same to me. I think they need a clear distinction. Coercive control and threats if we don’t agree to sex wasn’t taken down for me either. They were only interested in the clear cut rapes. Maybe it’s because the law says a conviction has to be beyond all reasonable doubt.

[Newbeginnings1234]

The police didn’t seem that interested in coercive control when I reported it. I felt that they handled the rape report well (even though they said there wasn’t enough evidence, I still felt they took it seriously and did everything they could), but I had to push them to interview me about the coercive control and right from the beginning they said that it’s too difficult to prove and there wouldn’t be enough evidence, even though my ex sent me emails admitting to it and I kept an email account where I wrote down everything that happened in the 6 months before I left. They never looked at the email account and the case didn’t even go to the CPS. They didn’t seem bothered about the harassment after I left either (they told me it wasn’t harassment because I didn’t contact him to tell him the relationship was over, even though at the time I was in a refuge and the police told me not to contact him).

[maddog]

My experience sounds similar. My ex flies just below the radar. Because the Un civil courts are involved the police are powerless. I really can’t say how many times my ex raped me. Most of the time. Sometimes I realised that something was very very wrong and he told me again and again that it was his way of showing affection. I couldn’t work it out why I never seemed to be able to express myself sexually with him.

The police did persuade my ex to leave the family home. Of course he denies doing anything wrong. At least by now he is known to the police as a liar and I know I’m not the only person who has reported him.

The police No Further Actioned my ex. It’s really difficult to provide evidence of rape within marriage.

Please keep going and get as much real life support from as many agencies as you can muster. We begin by wanting justice. The system often doesn’t work like that and we need to find our own way through this minefield. You may find you can get counselling from Rape Crisis or Women’s Aid. Keep talking about your experience.

My ex has been harassing me too. Because he’s below the criminal radar the police aren’t interested.

You are absolutely not alone. It’s really hard to recognise that someone you loved chose to use your body. He chose to rape you. It’s not your fault.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, unfortunately Rape Crisis has a waiting list that’s over a year long, but I’m seeing a counsellor somewhere else x

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