Constant medical problems…

[Nothinglikeme]

Hi all. I was posting on here a few years ago, but think I must of deleted my account as life was all rosy. My husband was emotionally abusive throughout our entire marriage which culminated in him beating me up over his complete paranoia that I was having an affair. I reported him to the police and he was prosecuted, but because of our difficult work situation I had to take him back, and it was all fine. I now have plenty of friends etc and he has generally been good to me, barring the usual relationship rubbish that everyone goes through. As the years went on and I was drinking more and more (because I was still unhappy) I reached out to a therapist, and from that I disclosed to her a history of childhood sexual abuse. (I had told my husband about this in the past but he said it happened to everyone. IT DOES NOT) So I told my husband I was seeing a therapist, and what it was about, but no details. I also told him I didn’t know if he could ever make it up to me for what he did in the past as my head is all over the place, and at the time (when he beat me up) I felt I had no choice but to take him back. He’s always used medical problems to wield power over me, but I told him this time it was about me, and I had to come first. (He’s usually the one who says this to me) I also said I would need some space, just 20 minutes a day to work through the past, and baths and things when I needed to be alone.
Now he is super clingy. He literally won’t leave my side, and is talking constantly about his anxiety – separation anxiety from me specifically. He is going to see his own therapist (detail removed by Moderator). Part of me thinks this is great. Ultimately I am determined to leave him and make my own life and I think he needs to be in a state where he can cope with that mentally. But another part of me thinks, although he uses the words, “(detail removed by Moderator)” I can’t help thinking it is a form of control, one he’s very used to taking. What do you think?

[fridges]

Hello, nothinglikeme,
I’m not sure how fine all it was after beating because it just can not be. It is good that you started therapy and able to talk about how you feel and look deeper in a safe way. Why did you feel that you have to take him back?
He is clingy, as he sees the changes that are happening inside you. His separation anxiety should not make your heart melt, it is his own issue and you are not responsible for this. You have the right to choose what is good for you in life and make a priority of your well being. His words ‘it’s not about me, you’re are more important’ sound fake to me. If it was a happy relationship, you would not have doubts, you would live your life and love it. Carry on with the therapy and connect with yourself. During the abusive relationships, we get disconnected from ourselves far too much.
I’m doing myself therapy for the second year and it helped me so much, hope it will help you too, become more aware of everything.

[Nothinglikeme]

Thank you Fridges. I discovered he’s been trying to check my phone. I’ve been doing the same though and he’s been googling “signs my wife is having an affair”. So I’m a little on edge but can see exactly what he’s doing. It’s insidious, with his mental health he’s trying to make me feel he needs me and if I left he’d do something stupid. He relies on me feeling guilty. But I don’t feel guilty.

[diymum@1]

its classic abuse tactics to keep you there – to feel sorry for him. dont be fooled because when push comes to shuv these man make sure theyre ok in the end. my ex went from being bi-polar one week to being completely fine once we went to court for custody- just like that. funnily enough he saw a counsellor after we split and he was ‘supposedly’ daignosed with separation anxiety – which i had caused! he used this to dupe my daughter into taking his side – be warey because this is their agenda – very transparent and samey xx love diymum x*x

[Tiffany]

I have been meaning to reply to this for a while. What you are describing sounds very much like my ex after he realised that I wouldn’t put up with the overt bullying anymore.

I have a chronic illness, and for a really long time I thought I was incredibly unlucky because whenever I had a really bad relapse my boyfriend got sick, and I ended up having to look after him rather than the other way round, making my illness worse. And any time I was really well and was up for doing stuff my boyfriend would get sick again and we couldn’t go out. It wasn’t until I got out that I realised he wasn’t sick at all, it was just a way to get all the attention focused back on him all the time. It was utterly exhausting, and looking back I don’t see how I coped with it.

He also got incredibly clingy when I needed space and developed many problems that meant he couldn’t cope without me with him. It was, looking back, actually an upping of the abuse, although he played it as remorse for all the awful things he had done to me. In the end I moved out. It was only meant to be temporary, until I cleared my head and he sorted himself out, but it ended up permanent, as once my head began to clear I had this revelation that I could leave just because he was making me unhappy. I didn’t have to work out if his behaviour was abusive, or if it was really bad enough to leave. I could just go because he was making me unhappy.

Best descicion I have ever made. I hope that your story turns out as well as mine has.

[Nothinglikeme]

Thanks. What you said about it playing out as remorse rings so true Tiffany. When he beat me up he saw so many professionals to help him deal with the remorse of what he’d done to me. He even played them to the extent that one of them came to me with concerns about his suicidal thoughts. Diymum@1 it is definately a transparent agenda, funny how I’ve been doubting myself for so long, this has been going on for (detail removed by moderator)!

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