Constantly accused of cheating is driving me insane

[Scapegoat]

My husband Of over (removed by moderator) years is obsessed with the idea that I’m cheating on him. It’s getting beyond a joke and I have changed my whole life to try and prove my innocence…I don’t go out ( at night with friends), I stopped going to the gym, I don’t go out shopping or for lunch. All I do is go to work ( and I’m accused of sleeping with people there and spend any free time cleaning , which I am then told it’s not good enough or I haven’t done it properly. He accuses me of sleeping with anyone and everyone, people I’ve never even spoken to. If a car goes out the road when I’m going to work,according to him I’m going to meet them, if I threaten to phone the police when things get out of hand it’s because I’m sleeping with them. He’s convinced I cheated with somebody at the gym ( going back (removed by moderator) years ago) but I’ve never spoken to any blokes there. To be honest if I go out most of my time is spent looking at the floor trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. I even had to stop going to counselling as he was making out I was off shagging people in car parks. I don’t get how it is even logical and he seems to enjoy making these accusations. It really is driving me mad, I either cry or get really angry about it. His mother has said if I’m not doing anything why should I be bothered but when it’s met with threats and aggressive behaviour and it’s constant it’s not fun. Then when he decides, he’s full of compliments and I’m not moving forward as I am really wary about him. I know I need to get out. Don’t want to involve the police, tried that before and since then he’s been even worse and sees himself as the victim. I’m
I know I am ranting but I really can’t go on. Have looked at rents and there is nowhere I can afford at moment, we have a mortgage together but there is no way he would leave. He only works about 5 months a year then tells me I am robbing him and I owe him from when I worked part time for a few years when the kids were younger. He really is a nasty piece of work. I went to counselling to try and get some strategies not to react to him but the counsellor said I could not fix this and should think about myself. He makes out that I’m selfish if I try and put my own needs first. My whole ,e life is spent living in fear, shame and guilt ( for what I don’t know as I swear I have never cheated)
Some advice please on how to react, I’ve tried grey rock and ignoring which he then takes as me agreeing with whatever it is he is saying.

[KIP.]

It’s not about the cheating or the housework it’s about him abusing you. He will simply change the goal post and abuse you over something else. He knows it upsets you and you change your behaviour and isolate yourself because of his accusations and this is what he wants. Are you in touch with women’s aid?

[Scapegoat]

KIP, I know you are right but I keep making excuses for him ( feel sorry for him i suppose) Have just been pushed, screamed at and grabbed because I (removed by moderator). Now been told that’s it I can’t be trusted,I’m going to pay?! Really?! He is addicted to dope and doesn’t have any so no things are going to get worse. My workplace want me to go through a MARAC but I’m worried that I’ll back down, things will get worse, the drugs thing will come out and I’ll get sacked ( I don’t take them) Life is just a mess, I know I cannot go on like this but I can’t find a solution/ am too exhausted to find a solution Just wish he would meet someone else( unlikely, he doesn’t go out almost as though he’s watching me ☹️

[KIP.]

He is relying on you making excuses for him. Relying and using your caring nature against you. Have you considered a refuge for a while. Just to get yourself together and away from him? Women’s aid can support you through this.

[Scapegoat]

Refuge seems a bit dramatic as it’s not like he beats me every day ( only emotionally) and I feel partly responsible for the way I react. My downfall is that I want answers – why does he treat me like this?what have I done wrong. I know I’m never going to get them I just cannot understand how a human can treat somebody else like this and feel they are not to blame. Particularly someone that you supposedly love ( really don’t believe this now)
He doesn’t even apologise anymore just shifts blame to me. Just been up, screaming again about what do i expect (removed by moderator)?? Not to be screamed at or berated for hours on end.
I am such a coward

[KIP.]

You’re not a coward you’re a victim of abuse and that strips is of confidence, self esteem and rational thinking. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re abused by a nasty manipulative man who sadly doesn’t love you and you loving him won’t stop the abuse. You can’t do this alone so gather a support network. Women’s Aid, the police (they have a domestic abuse unit), your GP. You’re not thinking straight so take all the help that’s offered x the emotional abuse was much more damaging and Longer lasting that any physical abuse x

[Scapegoat]

It’s kicked off big style (removed by moderator) Argument escalated (removed by moderator). Just been looking at divorce and it seems I have to give him half of everything I have saved?! My nana gave me some money a couple of years as she suspected things weren’t right and now I’m going to have to give him half? He doesn’t work unless he can be bothered and I’m being blamed for everything now. Life just doesn’t seem fair, can’t see the point anymore – he might just as well have the lot. If it goes to court he will play on his arthritis which only comes on when it suits him and I will lose the lot☹️

[KIP.]

Don’t listen to a word he says. You still have time to hide that money or get rid of it, or develop a gambling addiction. No one can prove you didn’t gamble it away or put it in a bank account in your sons name or someone you trust. Or that money your nana gave you was a ‘loan’ and you are paying her it back. Lots of ways round this if you step back and don’t panic.

[Scapegoat]

Won’t they look into my bank history? It’s making me feel even more like giving in and just getting on with it, maybe I expect too much,and I feel devious trying to get rid of any money. Although I feel devious anyway as he doesn’t know I’ve got it. Just feel like transferring him half of it now and telling him to f*** off but know he would still want more. Think I need to phone somebody for some advice on Monday at work. Is scaring the c**p out of me now.

[Bluetoffee]

Reading your post sounds so similar to me. Especially when you said he has none left so you know you’re in for it. I am the same, and the doesn’t beat me or anything like that either. But the flicking in your eye, I have had glass in my eye and face after he kicked a glass at me, thrown things at me etc. The fact is they’re damaged people and we have to leave. I have to leave before it does escalate into having my head punched off. Hes an (removed by moderator) so you can imagine my terror. Always on eggshells. He also uses money and our house as leverage. I dont know you but we both have to bail man, they are toxic

[KIP.]

Even better that he doesn’t know about the money. Give it to someone you trust maybe your nana and close that bank account and open another one. You can get free legal advice from a solicitor as most offer initial advice for free. Like you I played it all honest and upfront while he stole and hid tens of thousands. You will need that money to pick yourself up again. He will just spend it on drugs.

[Scapegoat]

Have just tried to reason with him, god knows why it’s like boiling my head in hot oil. He says I’ve made his life a misery and I’ve abused him for years??! Says as I talk over top of him (when I try and defend myself about what he’s saying) I deserve to be put down as I have no respect! Says he will lose me my job (removed by moderator). Says he will ruin me and take everything he can from me (removed by moderator)!
Bluetoffee I feel for you, my OH is much stronger than me, is very aggressive ( in general ) and very convincing in what he says. Hope you are ok? Stay strong❤️
KIP thank you for all of your advice, you are clearly a very strong person…I wish I had your strength and courage ❤️

[Scapegoat]

God and so it continues apparently I am controlling because I asked him to take a packet of (detail removed by moderator) downstairs. I had to apologise and than he starts slagging me off and saying if only I kept my mouth shut, if only I didn’t talk over the top of him to defend myself. Pointed out that he was quite controlling…bad move went mental shouting and screaming what a spoilt little b***h I am, how cruel I am, I’m a s**g like my mother been jabbed in face (detail removed by moderator) times and told to f*** off. God I’m such a control freak!

[KIP.]

I wasn’t always strong. In your position I just didn’t reply. I would sit and let him vent and hope I didn’t get hurt. Eventually he assaulted me and I rang the police and they helped me get rid of him with bail. It took police and bail and women’s aid and the courts and victim support for me to begin my recovery x so I know how trapped you feel but you can be free. Just take baby steps away from his dysfunction and violence x

[Scapegoat]

You’re better than me KIP as I cannot help but defend myself as fed up being constantly put down. Told me now he’s fed up making an effort😭so going back to how he used to be ( even more physically aggressive)
Maybe that will teach me to keep my mouth shut?!

[KIP.]

Defending yourself means you still have fight left. Use that fight to escape. Eventually I learned that standing up to him just brought confusion and misery and the world closed in around me. Record him secretly on your phone and ring the police when he kicks off.

[Author]

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