29th April 2021 at 7:42 pm #125345BlondexxxxParticipant
So I’m back writing on the forum, I feel like a fraud sometimes as when it’s all going wrong I feel it helps them when it goes right again I don’t log in..
Once again I feel lost and confused, he’s left me (again) it’s like every six months he suddenly walks out on me and the kids, no care in the world what so ever. Goes to live with his mum, has no responsibility. I’m left angry confused and upset.
He’s been bad drinking again over lock down, this time we was living in a house I had rented myself after last time I had to leave our Family home as it went up for sale and he left me during the sale so he went back to his mums and me and the kids had to find somewhere else to live.
So I rented my house bought everything from new and I got myself a new full time job ( he didn’t like this and ended up getting back in touch after I felt my world was upside down)
He moved in with me and everything was ok for a few weeks then he started drinking again, which led to him taking cocaine then gambling all his money.
He stopped working and was at home all day whilst I was working.
That’s when the accusing started again, I was having an affair according to him? I couldn’t even go get my hair done I had to prove where I had been and send him my location.
It got worse he even started monitoring the petrol saying that so many miles wouldn’t be gone if I had just gone to work and back.
Every single time he would drink I couldn’t come home and enjoy a wine with him it would leave to him wanting to go through my phone, and then would start accusing me again.
I ended up just going to bed early because I couldn’t cope with the arguing and constantly having to prove myself
I started to feel drained abs cried myself to sleep
Then he would text me calling me a s**g from downstairs or run upstairs shouting things at me.
The next day he wouldn’t exactly be sorry but he would just say I need to not drink and he didn’t know why he thinks the things he does.
It got worse and then one night he started hitting me (detail removed by moderator) kept shouting I was a s**g.
I ended up going to bed but then he pushed the (removed by moderator) behind the door and wouldn’t let me in the living room to get to the kitchen and (removed by moderator).
I ended up having to phone my mum to phone him to calm him down.
The next day I went to work I felt so drained. Then when I got home that night he had posted my key through and took all his things.
It was over again??? He left me?! Surely he was the one in the wrong
I never got no apology, since then he’s sent me drunken messages at weekends telling me I’m a s**g and I made him feel horrible and he will never feel like that again and I was having an affair and I’m a liar and a cheat.
Iv never once cheated on him never even text anyone behind his back
I rarely see my friends or go out because he accuses me.
Now he’s texting me calling me a social butterfly telling me I’m lying that I’m upset because if I was I would of shown him that I loved him but I didn’t.
The reason I didn’t go near him much at home (intimacy I mean) is because half the time he would come to bed drunk smelling of smoke and sweat and try it on with me it wasn’t attractive.
Didn’t mean I didn’t love him!
I can’t explain how I felt I just wanted him to change.
Now he’s saying it’s all my fault and I’m this cheat and I may fool everyone else but I don’t fool him.
Told me he’s messaging someone else and keeps trying to hurt me everytime I don’t react to him he puts stories on his wattasap that he’s out but then admits he was lying.
I really don’t know what’s going on in my head
I’m going to work and I’m trying to keep busy meeting friends and taking the kid’s out but then he says that’s because I’m not upset??
Iv tried to message him to speak and be civil and he ignores me but then messaged me abuse when he’s drunk
So I can’t win!!
Do I even want him back? I miss him, I am ok one day then I cry the next. I feel sick at the thought of wanting to meet anyone else .
Now he’s threatening to take our son to court for 50/50 access but he is constantly drinking or on drugs at weekends so I wouldn’t even trust him with our son.
He was picking him up for (removed by moderator) few hours each Saturday since he left but then soon as he would come to the house he would argue with me because I was getting on with things so I told him I would go through his mum
I juat feel so lost and even though o have friends and family I’m feeling on my own with how I feel.
I don’t know how I can get rid of this feeling or what the best way to go about it all.
Has anyone else been through similar?
29th April 2021 at 7:49 pm #125347ChelseaParticipant
Yes I have and still going though it I don’t have a answer but I have a coping mechanism now which I don’t even understand now but in the end that’s how sometimes there’s no way out
29th April 2021 at 8:37 pm #125350BlondexxxxParticipant
What do you mean hun?
I feel lost without him but I’m still getting the abuse I got when together he thinks I’m seeing someone else he said it’s my fault I made him feel like this
He’s put weight on during lock down and has really low self asteem but then when we aren’t together he’s running around like some happy single guy!
The drinking and the drugs really ground me down as he would just stay up all night and then be rough all day the next day
He would be needy then and be nice but then a day or two later he would (removed by moderator) being moody and horrible and probably just walk around ignoring me
I really just don’t know what to do anymore
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