Constantly questioning myself

[Meringue]

I’m very close to leaving now – just waiting for an event to pass and then off. I’m constantly questioning myself and doubting myself. I go round and round in circles thinking it’s not so bad maybe I could carry on. I’m taking antidepressants so I’m not so depressed and I think ‘maybe it’s got better’. I’m so used to the way things are that it feels normal. I keep my head down, so he’s not getting angry and I think he’s got better, but then I remember that I’m just not doing the things he doesn’t want me to do. I think i can’t leave because its not what he’d want but then I look at my childen and see how unhappy they are and think I have to go and I think back over my reasons for going and list them… round and round and round a million times a day. It’s totally exhausting! I feel like I’m fighting with myself and am just constantly checking everything. I’m trying to look normal and get on with life and work and everything and I’m just so distracted all the time. I’m so tired. I feel as though I’m in denial about what I’m doing and at the same time totally absorbed by it.

[Tiffany]

Have you got a list of abusive incidents to check back on to remind yourself how bad it is? If you can keep one in a safe place then they can be invaluable to reminding you why you are leaving and for stopping him from hoovering you up once you have left. Keep pressing forward. Things will get better once you are out. Good luck!

[Ariana]

Hi …big hugs for you!!! I feel like you are describing what is going on in my mind at the moment..i think we tell ourselves things are ok because we want them to be but the reality is it’s not that’s why you/I want out because we know life can be better. I also think the fear of the unknown gets me whereas if I stay I know what to expect (it’s nothing good) but predictability makes you feel comfortable doesn’t it even amongst all the misery. I totally understand your comment about it consuming you and making you feel exhausted I feel the same but just imagine what a relief it will be to not have to feel like this anymore.look at the bigger picture you will all be happier in the end.i agree that you should make lists of all the reasons you are not happy so when you leave you can look back and be confident that you made the right choice x*x

[Indiansummer]

Hi, I feel your pain too. When the things are calmer and the abuser in his “nice guy” mode, it is easy to start doubting yourself and questioning whether it was that bad.. I also agree that keeping a journal of the incidents is a good idea.

I have left my husband, and he is very nice and polite in his messages now.
Saying that he didn’t really mean harm with the threats, that they were just words..
It makes me very sad to admit that part of me would like this to be true. I miss the idea of our happy family. But then I remind myself of all the horrible things he said and the way he treated me and lied to me and it makes me stronger.

Stand your ground and leave when it is safe to do so. Hugs x

[Woollymammal]

Hi Meringue… your message coukd be off me.. I am in the same situation as you.. this will be my 3rd time I’ve left and I am making sure I don’t return…
I like yourself are constantly questioning myself about leaving… he’s been really nice, but slowly his old mean abusive self us creeping back.. I’ve made notes and as I wrote about the things he’s done.. I realise if I don’t go I’ll be stuck in this he’ll hole forever..

Good luck.. be safe and hope we find the happiness we all deserve… freedom… xxxx

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