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[Metalmamma]

Hello all.
I’m metalmamma and I’m new here but unfortunately not new to DA.
Stressed out so much. I have a house in joint name with my ex. He’s lost the house, been repossessed. And now he’s gone to live with friends supposedly got a job and has basically landed on his feet.
To be honest we were amicable as could be for the sake of my son. And because he’s the master of deception I believed he had changed. Till I found out from his ex that he treated her the same way he treated me and probably the ones before me. So long story short, we were on good terms becAuse of our son. But now I’m so angry he lost the house through his lies and laziness. He never changed he just pretended to so he could still be in my life. I want him to see his son as there is no danger to his son apart from him seeing his dad as the waste of time he is. I’m arranging a contact centre to see him but I’m annoyed that I have to pay for it for a man who emotionally abused me and still makes me feel scared whenever he calls or texts. Now I’m done playing nice, I’m done making things easy for him. But I want to keep my son happy. So I don’t know if I have to give my ex my number. It’s not hard to find. I’ve called him out on his abuse in the past and he apologised but he hasn’t changed and still let’s the real him slip. I’ve finally realised that I don’t have to make his life easier, I don’t have to bend to his will or fall for the son stories. But I feel like a fraud. Like because I was talking to him and believed he was changed that that means I wasn’t abused. That it really was all in my head. But I know it wasn’t. And I know that others before and after me have had the same treatment from him. I tried to be civil for the sake of our son, but he’s not even asked how he is, half the time he couldn’t come for him so we took him. We made his life easy and now I’m so annoyed that he has not only lost the house but he’s not even bothered. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t know. I want him to have contact but I can’t afford the centre right now. (detail removed by moderator) upfront then (detail removed by moderator) quid out of my pocket because he won’t pay his half. I’ve never told the authorities about his abuse. Thinking I should go to court but can’t afford the legal fees and don’t want them nosying through my bank account. Aaargh. Thank you for reading this novel. Take care everyone. Hugs

[KIP.]

Sadly your story is very familiar. If you or I had to find money to see our child we would move mountains. The fact he can’t even cough up for a contact centre tells me he doesn’t care. That he will continue to mess you and your child around and you’re throwing away money you could use to do nice things with your child. Are you in touch with women’s aid? They can offer great support. You’re not protecting your son by exposing him to this kind of indifference. I do believe it will be harmful to him in the long run. Children need consistency and stability and it sounds like you’re providing it. Why expose him to a man who clearly doesn’t care and who will most certainly use your son against you. It takes more than biology to be a father. You need to make decisions for you son as he’s too young to understand that exposure to abuse can badly affect children for years to come. If I had my time again I’d do everything to prevent my abuser being near his child. I’d get some free legal advice from a local family solicitor, most offer an initial consultation free to make sure you’re the parent with residency rights etc. Don’t trust these men they are liars. Don’t force their children on them or it will backfire. I’d also strongly urge you to go total zero contact. Block him on everything. Let him get a solicitor if he wants access to his child. He can do it the proper Legal way.

[Metalmamma]

Thank you. I’m going to seek legal advice because I want to make sure I’m doing all I can. Thank you for your reply x

[diymum@1]

Yeh stop the contact until he pays for the centre xx if he gets a lawyer you can self represent and send letters and emails to his solicitor he will have to pay for all off that. I know because my ex did this to me! Lol and no when and if he pays get a third party to take the phone for you and get in touch if it’s an emergency xx u can have nothing to do with him he sounds like he will give up xx

[Metalmamma]

Thank you for your reply. Yeah he can get hold of me of he wants to, I just don’t want to be seen as blocking contact. But at the same time I’m finally done with him. It’s like I try to be good and reasonable but then I just get taken for a mug time and time again. No more.

[diymum@1]

Hun you are still being reasonable ur still offering a line of communication as friction free as it can be. You will never get reason or rational behaviour from him even for the sake of his own child xx this is about him pure and simple his way or no way. Time to take the reigns xx the courts saw that I was using a third party for communication and the courts saw that was because he was abusive xx

[Lisa]

Hi Metalmamma,

I just wanted to give you some other options to try and get some legal advice. The Rights of Women are great (0207 251 6577) but can be difficult to get hold of.

FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors) are a national service run by the CAB and can be contacted on 0203 745 7707.

There’s also Coram Children’s Legal Centre who may be able to help on 0300 330 5480.

Best wishes,
Lisa

[Author]

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