Contact with men

[Cecile]

So I have been ‘out’ , free and living quietly alone for some months. I am trying to buy a place to do up, all I can afford.So far its all been phone calls to professionals – all male!- to sort this. I had to meet one at a property and then another local man came along to give advice this being a very rural community where local knowledge is essential…lets pretend its on the continent. Thing is I froze and went quiet. The professional person asking me questions and I felt so threatened and afraid. I wanted them to go away but stood smiling and agreeing for peace sake at everything, feeling cornered and dominated even though I think maybe they were trying to be helpful but then of course that was what I had fooled myself into thinking my ex was doing. Afterwards spent all evening, night and morning agonising over everything they said to me. Then doubting my understanding of what was said, why they said it. Feeling flashes of uncontrollable barely suppressed and irrational anger as well. This is before I have even sealed the deal.I cannot trust myself to know how to deal with men and to not be afraid.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Yes absolutely I felt this too. I always always ask for a female when dealing with anything. Aftershave still triggers me. I had two workmen who had to just step inside the back door and take away an old freezer. Made me anxious. Don’t make any unnecessary decisions if you can put it off a while and it’s better if you can run your decisions past an advocacy worker or similar if you have this available. Try victim support. Therapy has been helping me. CBT. Many years of abuse stays with us. The Body Keeps the Score is a good book. It did get much better with time for me but even now men are triggering to me.

[fizzylem]

Hey C!! Sounds like an exciting prospect, v happy for you. Have every faith you will pull this off if you set your mind to it. But so sorry to hear how you have been feeling.

I can only speak for myself, but relate to what KIP has said, for me it feels like abuse will never really leave me, it effects how I behave and how I feel on a regular basis! The trick for me has been to minimise my response to it, to recognise it for what it is, as you have done here, the more times this occurred the more able I found I was to do this, nowadays I can spot it in me and process it pretty quickly, practice def helps.

The fear, dread and angst situations are instant flags aren’t they, it’s the unease, feeling uncomfortable, the subtle forms that leave me feeling somethings not quite right here, I don’t feel content – these can take me a bit longer to process sometimes. I always ask myself what is it I need here? How can I restore peace and balance again? Once I’ve worked this out and done what I need to do only then am I free to move on again. So, you have recognised how you feel and why, expressed this on here, is there anything else you need to do? What’s next? Perhaps something from KIP’s list?

I think what also helps is getting the life you want and once you have this for months and months, anything that causes a ruffle is more easily picked up – as I’ve been out for years and thus clocked up practice, I have found that the ‘time is a healer’ quote to be true.

Building resiliance is also part of healing isn’t it – choosing the right people for the job, whatever job it is you need is also key; sounds like this particular man is not the one for you. Self development, I think for me I felt a lot safer in the world and more able to deal with anyone after I had spent a long time thinking about all the lessons I have learnt through going through what I did with him. And then there’s the dealing with him of course, I still have to co parent to a degree, so I have learnt how best to do this – so I now feel equipped. Knowing when it is time to listen, say nothing, walk away or how best to respond here – are others. All these things help me to deal effectively with people when I need to.

Sounds like you’ve been a bit bombarded with men, out there, back in the world again and you picked up
few things in thes men that did not sit comfortably! Thus got a bit overwhelmed, like you said it took you right back didn’t it, into the old feelings when with him.

Keep going, keep doing what you’re doing and always give yourself whatever it is you need x

[Cecile]

Thanks Kip and Fizzylem, the A Team! Profound advice and some of the things you have said have already occurred to me, slowly, trickle by trickle. I saw a YouTube video last night about the one symptom all n********ts show, which is paranoia, then the presenter listed 20 more. He said if your problem person has 15 or more of these then he is a big problem. Unlikely to ever change. Well I scored 20/20 for my ex, it sounded like a description of him.
It also scared me, and brought me right back there to the huge constant fear and anxiety. I really feared for my life towards the end and had to stay with him and make myself small and agreeable to him, as the psychologist advised me, to survive.
I know now it will take a long long time to heal and recover. I maybe never will. I love the lockdown, never felt safer, here living alone. When I go for a walk or to the beach people talk to me, nicely. My landlady seems amazingly kind but it’s probable she is just present normal average concern to me such as asking “is everything ok in the house?”. I still revel in going to bed at night in my new, highly expensive comfortable bed that keeps me soooooo warm I dread some one taking it away.
Also I think that he has a new woman already. God help her.

[Cecile]

Hey sorry to write so much but having read what you both wrote, Fizzy and Kip, I realise now the architect guy bombarded me with red flags. He even made a point of telling a local man that I was completely on my own with no family to help me! Why not put up a neon sign, (detail removed by Moderator)! he meant no husband or partner. He has also done background work and gossiped about me to others in the area, which he dropped into the conversation. No we …me and the pets…need a much better person than him. In retrospect it was all about him taking control and demonstrating how much more he knows about the area than me, his power and influence there. Ok this has really helped me. Took me four days to work this out, would have taken 5 minutes a few decades ago……

[Author]

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