Continuing to move forward with my life despite the lockdown

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit uneasy so thought it would help to share on here. I know some of you from a while ago when I left my abusive ex. After leaving him I suddenly started this painful journey of looking at my family and the dynamics within it which helped me make some sense of why I ended up with someone like my ex – my ex was in several ways similar to my family members, but at the time I thought this behaviour was normal and fine because it was my normal.

The lockdown has thrown things up in the air for me. Before the lockdown, I’d been volunteering, and attending a local craft group, and had had some counselling. I hd been trying to make new friends, build up some sort of network and make sense of my past. I used to be super dependent on my family, especially my mum, emotionally and we would talk for hours so since I started having these realisations about my family I reduced that a lot.

The problem was when the lockdown happened, I went into survival plus panic mode and I reconnected with my family more than I have since I left my ex, partly because I was terrified and needed to speak to someone and partly because I felt terrible thinking that my parents would be stuck inside without a food delivery. So I helped get them sorted because I felt that I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do that. I started speaking more to my mum again and like before, I enjoyed it because when she’s not being weird we have some good chats. I like talking to her when she’s like this because I can just say what I think and not censor myself, whereas I find talking to other people difficult because I feel we do live in a society where we are expected to censor ourselves a lot. There’s often only one ‘accepted’ viewpoint on a lot of topics which makes open honest conversations difficult.

The problem with my mum is she always seems to operate in this dynamic which my last therapist called ‘push pull.’ She’s super nice to me, buying me gifts, complimenting me, we have really good chats etc but then she starts doing these tiny cruel things and then eventually in the past she’s done some really cruel things to me. I get upset and she either apologises or makes excuses for herself, rewriting the whole situation to make it seem like it wasn’t that bad. Then she goes into ‘please forgive me’ begging mode and then the charm and compliments start again and it’s the cycle again.

I know that this is the same sort of cycle of an abusive relationship. My mum isn’t hurting me physically, but she does hurt me emotionally and psychologically. A good example is, at the moment she seems to like bringing up past things she has done that were cruel to me. She then either rewrites what happened making an excuse for herself which is gaslighting, says she can’t remember something she did, or says something like ‘that must have really hurt, can you forgive me.’ It’s creepy because it feels like she wants me to relive these painful episodes whilst also getting me to tell her that I forgive her. She does this on a. regular basis, almost every time we talk, about different incidents.

I’m pretty sure that there’s something a bit strange about her, that she lacks empathy, but I also still feel dependent on her to a certain extent, because despite my attempts I’ve still not made any good friends and I don’t have a partner. And she’s my mother, it’s so hard disconnecting from your mother emotionally. The lockdown has empathised this – most people are with their families and/or are having online group meet ups with their friends, whereas I’m spending most of it entirely alone. I do have one old friend I’ve spoken to a couple of times, and I attended one support group, but I always just feel like I can’t really truly connect with anyone. I’ve felt over the years that people pity me. They might be nice at a volunteer job etc but they don’t see me as a friend, just someone they volunteer with.

I’ve reconnected online with some old friends, but a lot of the dynamics with them used to be pretty toxic, so in a lot of ways it feels like I’ve gone backwards.

If the lockdown hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be on the phone talking to my mum, or speaking to people from my past that I stopped speaking to because I felt they treated me disrespectfully.

So what can I do now? I feel like I need to re establish boundaries with my family and limit my contact with these old friends. But this means I need to somehow seek out other people to talk to online or over the phone so that I’m not spending weeks without human contact since I’ve lost my volunteer job and craft group which were providing me with some human contact with decent people.

I’m scared about returning to the old dynamics within my family. My mum has already started guilt tripping me about going to visit them (bringing up some food for them then waving through the window at a distance, not going inside obviously). I guess I’ll just have to stand firm and not allow myself to be guilt tripped, since I know it’s a manipulative tactic.

In the end, I just feel sad. Devastated really. I don’t feel I’ve ever quite got over the realisation about the unhealthy/abusive dynamics within my family. I feel grief over it. I’m so sad when I see big happy families. I can’t imagine how nice it must be in a family where people are genuinely loving and there are no uncomfortable dynamics, nobody who is unpredictable. Both my mother and my brother are particularly unpredictable in that they are super nice, charming, friendly, helpful, generous and fun before suddenly they will be super mean, cruel, mocking, dismissive etc. It always throws me off and it was one of the reasons I went no contact with my brother and distanced myself a lot from my parents.

I just feel lost, and sad. I know I owe it to myself and my inner child who has done all this work understanding these dynamics and who has been trying to build a new life away from my family to continue with that and not go back to the way things were. I’m just not really sure how to do that. Life was really hard trying to mostly go things alone, and I’m still partially financially dependent on my family which complicates things further. My pre-lockdown goal was to find a job because at least that would solve one element of this. I’ll have to find a different type of job now since I the sector I was interested in has been harmed by the lockdown, but I’m hoping some different types of jobs might appear soon such as ones working from home. I need to move forward rather than backwards whilst finding a way to not be completely isolated.

Thanks for listening and for any advice.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there SRF, I’ve sent you a pm.
💞💞

[HopeLifeJoy]

My sweetie, it is heartbreaking to read how your mother is hurting you when she should be the one person being there for you loving and supporting you unconditionally.

One survivor wrote a while back, this crisis reveals the best in kind people and the worse in abusers.
She is abusive and seems to be aware of her cruelty towards you yet weirdly seeking your forgiveness for each wrong she ever committed towards you…it seems to me she is trying to purge or cleanse her conscious and requires your approval for it.
To me that means you are holding power in your hands. She NEEDS something from you. So darling, don’t just give it to her free of charge. SELL it to her. Put a price on your forgiveness. She needs to earn it and prove through her actions and behaviour that she won’t hurt you again and you will be the judge of that. You can also flat out refuse to forgive her. As in this particular incident was too cruel, you can’t and won’t ever forgive her for it. Alternatively you forgive but won’t forget. Your price could be to request respectful behaviour at all times…and retrieve your presence immediately if she isn’t showing respect.

Ask yourself what is you wish from your relationship with your mother, if one at all, ask yourself is it safe enough and worth your (emotional) investment. The boundaries of the relationship should be entirely set on your terms since you are the respectful one here and she the abusive one.

As for building new friendships, I understand, it is difficult. I am lucky to have a colleague who’s quite fond of me and request my presence more than I am even able or willing to offer.
I don’t know what I would do without her, she is my main social contact at present and I def would need some serious therapy and anti depressants right away if she wasn’t there for me.
Another colleague with whom I get along very well at work, I can see myself being very good friends with but she is very hurt and lacks trust in anyone new. Her mistrust is caused by her own domestic abuse trauma and is slow to warm up to me. I respect her need for space and leave her be but regularly reach out to her anyways as I know how dearly I appreciate my other colleague doing the same with me.

Friendships do take time to develop. Developing friendships out of colleagues is possible, if there is enough common ground for one to blossom. Be aware that work environment does provides a certain safety zone in which one can move about, but when you remove this safe structure would there still be enough solid grounds to build a friendship on?

There are of course other areas to explore for socialising. Hobbies, classes, atm perhaps available online only but still it does all start with shared interests and can develop into friendships.

You do seem quite enthusiastic about new job opportunities, that’s refreshing to hear and inspiring. I wonder too if I am out of volunteer job soon or not. This situation changes things doesn’t it. Keep looking forward, I hope you find some opportunities online. Do let me know if you do, I would be interested to know which sectors are looking. I know food supply chains are rather busy, any logistics supplier really. Pharma industries too. Health care sector without a doubt. Online therapy I am sure is booming for startups, literally exploding right now. And of course the domestic abuse sector!! They must be looking for people too. Police forces perhaps too. Ok I stop now. I could go on and on.

For now why don’t you come by the Cottage Sanctuary lovely. I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, we’ll go sit in the living room with everyone and spend a nice afternoon all together.

Take good care, sending you big hugs 💕

[Iwantmeback]

HLJ, I’m thinking there’s going to be many dogs needing behavioural therapy after this lockdown is lifted. Can see more animal behaviourist popping up, just hope they’ll be qualified. Some dogs weren’t good socially with others before lockdown for one reason or another. Now we’re pulling them away from people with or without dogs, teaching them to be protective and aggressive.
Longterm problems right there.
💞💞

[Eggshells]

SRF – I agree, visit us in the cottage sanctuary. It’s beautiful there are full of friendly women who understand and care. If you are looking for friendship groups, maybe you could re-think working from home. It may be easier to make friends if you have people around you.

I can relate to the situation with your mother very well. It might be best if you can gently withdraw. The trouble is that it sounds like the isolation of lockdown is pushing you towards her because you feel there’s no-one else. But by telling your mother what hurts you, you are giving her the knowledge to hurt you more. Please keep posting on here or maybe writing letter to your mum (don’t send them though, they are just for you) telling her how she has hurt you. I can understand that you may want her to understand how she has behaved because there is always the hope that once she understand, she will change. But as long as you keep forgiving her, you are giving her carte Blanche to hurt you again. Why would she stop if all she has to do is say sorry and all is ok again?

Have you tried any diversions to take away the isolation? Music, radio, TV, a thumping good film or box set, a book. Anything that absorbs you and eats up the hours. I’ve heard that there are phones lines that elderly people can ring, just for a chat. Maybe they need some volunteers.

We’re here for you. I’ll be lookin out for you in the cottage. xx

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