Viewing 6 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #94153
      queenmaeve
      Participant

      I have looked back at the last 2 decades of my life and have attracted control freaks but I have no idea why? why do they gravitate towards me? I am a strong woman with a strong personality but about (detail removed by moderator) years ago I met a man who made my life unbearable, I ended it as he had completely ruined Christmas for me and my family by controlling the cooking and drinking copious amounts of red wine then getting very abusive. I ended it shortly after and he then began to stalk me Constant text messages often up to 50 a day! I ignored them all but he was relentless. I now hate Christmas with a passion. I will be spending the day eating junk and locking myself away. I have noticed that its often strong-minded, intelligent women with good jobs who attract this type. Why is this?

    • #94164
      fizzylem
      Participant

      For me it was because I was so capable, I could take care of his every need, take care of all the mundane adult responsibilties; suppose a bit like a sugar momma? I also felt I could fix him, felt sorry for him – gave way to accomodating him – more and more as I felt I could and should at the time; eventually I realsied only he can help himself and I am not responsible here; I also reached burn out, thing is when you give to these men, they are happy to take, and like an idiot I just kept on giving, it wasnt until I reached burn out and I was forced to stop and look at why, that I realised I was giving and getting nothing back but abuse. I was also driven to try and keep the family together, took me a long time to let this go, let go of my dream of a creating a loving family for my child to grow. It was because I am strong and dont give up easily – that in this situation, this did me no favours, as I failed to recognise when it was time to end it, instead I only worked harder at trying to work it through – and this kept it going – there’s always a solution to be found right? Not here, the answer was to walk away.

      Guess we’re attractive because we look the part for him, there’s sexual chemistry but we make good partners because right from the get go he’s seeing what else you can do for him – how you can cushion his life? x

    • #94168
      Marshmallow
      Participant

      I agree with fizzy. I am a capable, well educated woman with a good job. I had good savings. I now know he spun me a line about his ex (she actually wasn’t ex at the time as I later found out). There was chemistry initially. I am empathetic and caring and I fell for him and his story. He lined me up and then manipulated her into divorcing him. He knew I would be able to get him back on his feet his financially and emotionally post divorce and look after him by doing everything. I ended up feeling more like his mother than his wife. But by never doing anything he could never get anything wrong. I too keep going for a similar length of time thinking that it would get better, I could make it better, that he would realise his behaviour was unacceptable or it was depression or mental health. I wanted to keep our family together and just kept trying never admitting defeat. Mummy fix. There are no problems only solutions. But of course I couldn’t fix it, there was no solution and it didn’t get better only worse. I couldn’t work out how to get out either. He was sucking the life out of me and our children using us for emotional support and to make him look and feel good. I was so tired at times looking after him and his needs. I am out now but life is still difficult because he resents me going.
      Christmas was similar for me – controlling the cooking, lots of red wine, criticising the presents I bought, buying me weird presents that he told me I had always wanted and then falling asleep while I cleared up and looked after the children.
      Until the last few years of our marriage I had not heard of coercive control it wasn’t a crime. There was so little information. At least now we can learn, rationalise and know that the behaviour is them not us.

    • #94174
      Dancemama
      Participant

      Don’t let him ruin Christmas for you. Take back control that he won’t ever ruin another one again. Have a little more compassion towards yourself. Self care May Be go and treat yourself to a Christmas gift or a spa day?
      (detail removed by moderator) Christmases ago was the worst Christmas of my life .my ex was discarding me unbeknowns to me was already with someone else.
      I sat sobbing the whole day while he threw a couple of Christmas gifts he bought me like tossing a dog a bone .it’s was so belittling.
      He didn’t flinch showed no emotion nothing.
      He didn’t talk to me pretty much all day it was horrendous.
      However I look back and am so grateful I’m no longer in that abusive relationship and i can have happier Christmases with my children and family x

    • #94175
      HunkyDory
      Participant

      I agree totally. Like you Fizzylem, I’m a doer and a fixer, he was happy to sit back and let me do everything and me getting nothing in return. I thought I could fix him too, but he’s unfixable, only he can sort himself and his delusions of grandeur out. He was the same with his family and some friends too, treated them like sh*t while he swanned around like a king. Pfft. He’s the first and hopefully the last I attracted. I’m looking after me now. I have a great job, nice house, car and am reasonably intelligent. It will take someone super special to get into my life now! Xx

    • #94185
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I remember at the end him saying you used to always cook for me and get my favourite beer in, yes as I thought I was being kind and caring, only I can see now he thought this was my duty! I’ve landed here. He very much saw me as there to serve, was a mysogynist, once I stopped doing for him, meeting his needs and withdrew sexually that was when the problems got worse as this angered him and I saw his entitled self.

      Agree with Dancemama, try not to sit there tinking this is all his fault and fester QM, savour the peace and that you are now free to do exactly how you please with the day. I’m on my own this Christmas and that is exactly what I will be doing. If I had the energy I’d volunteer at a homeless shelter and help serve christmas lunch, which I’ll do one year, but this year is just for me – Ive chosen to do nothing, and bask in that, bask in the no Christmas nonsense, no supermarket shopping, no cooking, just doing whatever I like, will wake when I’m ready, fridge raid through the day, take my dogs out and watch some tele – canny wait – peace x

    • #94436
      siba
      Participant

      I think you’re right, strong women seem to end up with these men. I think one reason is that our strength makes them feel insecure about their own masculinity so they try to make us smaller. I certainly felt that with my ex. He became worse when my career took off and I became the breadwinner. He seemed happiest when I was doing typical womans housework like cooking and cleaning.

Viewing 6 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content