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I had to report my husband to the police. Little acts of controlling behaviour added together: restricting access to my friends and family, criticising what I was wearing, undermining comments about my opinions and intelligence, controlling the finances, telling me it wasn’t okay for me to keep my own last name anymore, on one occasion he restricted access to food… these things all made me lonely and miserable. And it got to the point where I was scared of intimacy, but I felt obliged to do certain sexual acts anyway because I didn’t want the confrontation. Which got into a toxic cycle in which I was afraid to change in front of him cos he’d grab my boobs when I didn’t want him to, and follow me around so he could see me. We started marriage counselling on my suggestion, but it didn’t make things better. He told me he’d consider killing himself if I left, and eventually he admitted he’d had thoughts of harming both of us, and that he could imagine killing me, and indeed had imagined it on a few occasions. I got very scared and phoned a friend who came and got me, I stayed with her for a few days and then moved into new accommodation (detail removed by moderator). I phoned the police a few days after moving out; they told me I had reported a crime called controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. It’s a new law established in 2015. I had to go in to the station and spend four hours making an official statement. They contacted my friends and family for evidence and I gave them my phone messages. Now the police are saying that they have sent my case file to the Crown Prosecution Service and that it might go further. I’m feeling very nervous about the future and what it might be like to stand up in court. I haven’t actually seen my husband since we split.
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Hi there, I just want to say how incredibly brave you have been. I hope you get looked after by the authorities and are safe from your ex. He sounds very controlling. I’m glad the government made the decision to make this behaviour a criminal offense. You’ve put in words how my husband talks to me at times. Yet inbetween times he’s really quite nice. I too hate getting undressed in front of him now too as he does what yours did. He gropes me all the time but justifies his behaviour saying he can’t keep his hands off me,I turn him on so much. Due to his past behaviour I can’t stand having sex with him or do anything sexual with him. He talks about it constantly.
Keep going no contact, you’re doing amazing. Try not to worry about court, there’ll be a few here who’ll tell you about that, I can’t as I’ve not been in that positionIWMB 💕💕
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Thank you all for your support. To reply to Iwantmeback in particular, what you say about him being nice in between really resonates with me. My ex-husband would do that too, he would take me on nice meals out and give me nice gifts. But then he would say things like (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator). It was all part of the emotional abuse I see that now.
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Hi Hopefulvictim
Welcome to the forum, its understandable that you are feeling nervous about what lies ahead, you have done the right thing and it is good the police are trying to take this case as far as they can.
It may help you to have some support from your local domestic abuse support service, you can search for your local service here, they may be able to attend court with you and offer some advice around what to expect.
Unfortunately we are not allowed to have any conversations about court cases on this forum for safety reasons so this local support might be really useful if it ends up in court.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Well done on leaving the relationship and for reporting your husband; that took a lot of courage. My (now ex – I divorced him) husband used to grab my breasts too and when I objected he’d accuse me of not wanting him to touch me anymore. He also abused me financially and emotionally and would sometimes storm out of the house for a while and when he returned would tell me he’d been thinking about the ways in which he might commit suicide. Until I divorced him (ironically, he left me for another woman to whom he is now married) and I read about different kinds of abuse, I didn’t even realise I’d been in an abusive relationship. I’m well-educated and articulate and thought that sort of thing would never happen to me. How wrong I was. I really want to help other women now to know that they don’t have to tolerate this sort of behaviour. I wish you all the best.
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It’s understandable you can’t discuss what happens next re court but wow!! You went to the police and took action. That’s inspiring and I hope justice is served.
Your story is all too familiar and I often wonder what if I had gone to the police to have my ex charged. His behaviour got physical in the end but not quite enough to get him on it. It angers me that I still feel like I ought to get the law on him but he’s so subtle and insidious I couldn’t handle being rejected or disbelieved. So I am rooting for you. Its not gonna be easy but your action now may serve to help others later. X may you have a happy life x -
Hi,
I can relate to a lot of what you described. Well don’t for getting out safely!
I to had police involvement. I had to sit a video interview which I never thought I could get through. As a result of that he was arrested but released. He in return made all sorts of accusations against me and the end result was that CPS said there wasn’t enough proof to go on. Stupidly I had always kept quiet about the abuse and he had distanced me from friends and family so I had no one to side with me.
It sounds like you have been much stronger and have a lot of support from those around you.
You’ve come this far you will manage the rest I’m sure.
One step at a time….you’ve done the hard part! x -
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Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support. It’s genuinely heartwarming. I was so surprised that the police are taking what I said so seriously. I didn’t think that it deserved so much attention. I’ve certainly struggled with my sense of identity. I had previously thought that I was a well-educated and very self-aware person. I thought that I knew my husband almost as well as I knew myself, and I was really thought that the love between us was the most precious thing in my life. I never thought that I would be victim to this kind of behaviour. Reconciling with the idea that I didn’t recognise it for what it was for so long has had a significant effect on the trust that I have in my own perception of events. I’m a lot more unsure of myself than I was before; I’m question all my decisions to the n-th degree. This has been very unsettling for me to deal with.
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My ex gaslighted me for years and emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me for many years. It was only his arrest (detail removed by Moderator) that made me realise what an abusive relationship I had been in. The support that I have had with my local womens centre has been invaluable in my recovery and coming to terms with what happened to me. He continues to be n**********c despite my best efforts to block him and now is seemingly starting to use others to continue his manipulation and control, however it is no longer directed it at but my children. He would have the world believe that he is the victim. And now I am having to go to mediation to protect them and I am terrified.
I can completely identify with your feelings of questioning your own perceptions and all I can say to you is hold fast to your instincts, listen to them, because they led you to leave and report him. Your perceptions and instinct are stronger than you think. With the right support, counselling, friends you will find you. It is hard but the hardest part is over and that is leaving. I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will not be a victim forever. I am rooting for you
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