Controlling relationship

[ThinkHappyStayHappy]

Hi, I’m new to this so not sure how all this works. Maybe if I share a little about what has happened and I would be appreciate any advice.

I recently left a mentally abusive relationship. Since then I have had some harassment problems. I didn’t realise it throughout the relationship, how controlling and manipulative was.

Just from looking on the internet it sounds like he was a sociopath and n********t. I have panic attacks and severe anxiety now. Struggle to sleep. Constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering what his next move is going to be.

Anybody know how to overcome my fear of him?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ThinkHappy,

I was where you are now not very long ago and know that feeling of fear well. It started to naturally ease off after a while and now I only get moments of fear. We go through a grieving process after an abusive relationship and you will go through all sorts of emotions, it is a rollercoaster but much better than being involved with someone like that.

I believe my ex was also a psychopath/sociopath, I was terrified of him when I realised. There are a lot of good resources online to read, youtube videos and books. Have a look at Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does he Do That. I also found the book Psychopath Free really helpful for this specific type of abuse (most abusers don’t have personality disorders).

There are practical things which help too such as online safety, change all your passwords, wipe/reset your phone and even your computer especially if you think he tapped them (whcih I think my ex did), some local councils provide door and window alarms, you could get a personal safety alarm, and for a while avoid places you know he goes to, let friends know where you are that sort of thing. I was too scared to walk around the block at first but I have gradually expanded to lead more of a normal life now whilst I process the trauma and work through the pain and emotions.

Keep posting on here for support. It is extremely painful but you will be ok, just keep going and put safety and self care as your no.1 priority.

[ThinkHappyStayHappy]

Hi Sunshine Rainflower,

Thank you so much for your response.

I know I’m acting irrational,but at the moment I don’t think I can behave in any other way. I don’t put my bedroom light on in case he drives past and knows I’m home. I get ready in the dark. Constantly checking my phone to make sure no one has called me off a number I don’t recognise. I panic every time I get a message off anybody thinking it will be something to do with him. He controlled me through the relationship and I feel like I’m letting him control me now.

I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m continuously crying. I can’t see it getting any better at the moment.

I’m even more terrified of him now than I was when we were together because now I know exactly what he was doing to me. I was so naive at the time. He made me think everything was my fault I was the cause of every problem.

I have definitely been avoiding places where I know he goes. The thought of bumping into him terrifies me. It’s so sad that he’s out there living his life and I’m unable to go about my everyday life because of what he’s done to me.

Thank you for your suggestions on what to read. It’s reassuring to know I am not the only one to feel this way and there is a chance it might get better.

[KIP.]

Hi there. I went through the same paranoia. Only we have every reason to be paranoid. It’s our gut telling us. I’m afraid it does take time for the high anxiety to leave but it will eventually. Meantime have you considered counselling?

[ThinkHappyStayHappy]

Hi KIP

Thank you for responding.

I haven’t considered counselling. I don’t know what my options are or what help is out there or how to get any apart from advice here.

It’s quite scary to be in a world full of so many people and feel so alone

[Sunshine]

Hi,

I too had panick attacks thinking he was peering round my bedroom door in the middle of the night, it was all in my mind… the harassment you are getting have you reported it to the police? To make him stop you might just need too, to ensure your safety. The things they can put in place could give you peace of mind x i have just recently went through this X

[SunshineRainflower]

What you wrote I could have written myself Thinkhappy, I was the exact same, literally shaking with fear in my room, crying all day every day, checking my phone every 2 minutes for fear he had texted, constantly checking social media and my blocked messages folder and emails because as I predicted, he didn’t let me go and kept hoovering me for months after until I got the police involved. Like you I was terrified after I left because when I was with him the true horror of who he was and what he’d been doing hadn’t yet sunk in.

It does get better. Like Kip said the super high anxiety and fear will soon calm down, I feel a lot of things now but I haven’t been shaking for months and don’t need to keep checking my phone all the time etc. Changing my number helped a lot as did getting support from the forum, from the helpline, my local DV service, a support group and now a counsellor. Reach out to people who understand and keep putting yourself first. Moving your body helps like yoga, as does any sort of creative expression – painting, poetry, writing it out in a journal, writing a song etc. It is really really scary and traumatic but you just have to keep going and you will get through the worst of it, sending you a big hug. xx

[ThinkHappyStayHappy]

Hi both,

Yes I did report it to the police. I was concerned about doing that thinking it could make matters worse by aggravating him. I was also worried nobody would believe me because he’s so good at being calm and together in front of everyone else, it’s just me that witnessed his aggressive, controlling side.

You are right Sunshine Rainflower, it sounds exactly the same. Thank you so much for your words and support and offering suggestions. I have been trying to keep busy and take my mind off it but sometimes I find myself just sitting there blankly and not being able to shake the thought of him off.

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