Coping with abusive people at work

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but after leaving and continuing to suffer post separation abuse, I also have found that I can’t escape abuse at work. I am in a public service and moved jobs to reduce my exposure to aggressive people including a gaslighting manager. Now once again I am in the situation where a toxic person in a senior position has turned on me to take the blame. I just want to shut out the whole world and stay at home but I have to work so I can keep my children and I have to expose myself to ongoing harassment from the ex (and I do my very best to manage this). I am just exhausted by it all. I know there are no easy fixes. If anyone has any experience or advice on dealing with toxic work colleagues (where it’s insidious and under the radar and gaslighting) then any thoughts would be welcome

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Livinginhope

sorry to hear of all your struggles. You have done so well to get to this point, and keep your children safe.

There are supposed to be protections in work environments, but its sometimes very difficult to access them in reality. Do you have a good HR in your company, that are proactive against workplace bullying and abuses?

Also, keeping a secure note of each incident, doing mild challenges to see what response it brings and keep it noted, with date time and other detail, llike in whose office, or at so and so’s desk or other clear details. A log of this can be used as evidence of toxic behaviour towards you, either via your own company support means, or by involving a union to represent you.

Its always the same isn’t it, a power struggle, they want to shift the blame over to you, and tbh, these types are doing this to anyone around them, so you will not be alone in perceiving this person this way, they commonly have a type, that will behave this way to everyone who they perceive as having less power than them. Are there any work colleagues you have that can corroborate your experiences? Have you spoken with anyone else that they have dealings with to find out if there are common experiences? If there are more subordinates experiencing this it will significantly boost any case of bullying/harrassment.

How is contact with your ex arranged? It sounds like it might still be giving him access to abuse you (all)?

If so, make changes to it so that his opportunities are taken away. Cut all means of communication, using a third party if eneceesary, and if none available there may be a contact centre you can use locally?

Do whatever it takes to deprive him of all and any opportunities to keep doing this, have some peace in your life, you are entitled to that, and absence of abuse from him. You can of course go the legal route if you wnt and report his ongoing post separation abuses to police, and get a non-molestation order against him to stop communications, and prohibitive steps order to protect the children?

Take your time and gath3er your resources, strength and support.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

sorry, just noticed that you are in a public service role. There should be legitimate protocols in place in public service to protect staff from abuse at work, can you find out how to use them without jeopardising your position?

Unfortunately, this workplace bullying is very common. I’ve experienced it, from being shouted at, to being threatened and intimidated, and my job being at risk, to some just forcing their ‘power’ and snidey cruel personal remarks. I’m sure don’t even realised they are so self-absorbed and entitled.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your kind reply. There is nothing concrete yet but I feel under threat because I can tell what sort of a person this is and the tactics they use which are often hidden. My alarms are pinging all over. I keep records for my ex and now it feels like I’ve got to be in the defence at work too. Just worry I haven’t got any fight left after years of divorce and ongoing stuff with the children. It helps to know I’m not alone. There are probably places where I can get more info about this but because the manipulation tactics are difficult to see then it’s difficult for others to understand why it’s so threatening. I’m wondering if I should let my manager know about my history (she is supportive and kind as a person). I worry about how she would view me though. People don’t understand always. Thank you so much again for taking time to send me your thoughts.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi again Livinginhope

If your history has no bearing on your current situation I see no reason to take it into work, unless you are hoping that work offer some assistance that you could be put in touch with. I know there are many employee assistance schemes now offered to employees.

Keep the same king of journal, but for work related issues. You can record attitudes towards you, lack of support or feeling brushed off with issues, or demaned , and it does often help to be able to look back over a log of incidents. It will be easier for anyone else to see, and if you have a sympathetic manager whom you feel has your back, then it could well be worth mentioning this person to them, and get some advice about next steps because its impacting on your well-being at work. You don’t need to bring all your home stuff in too, but you could make a brief announcement about going through a messy separation and leave it at that, or a legal battle with your ex, or similar, but not if you think it could jeopardise your position, as some will see that and act then as if this could be your fault as you are struggling, so ‘making stuff up’, and a companmy could use that as an excuse to try to wriggle out of their duty to you.

good luck, and again, I am sorry you are having to cope with this on top of the abuse in your personal life.

warmest wishes

ts

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