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    • #129325
      CocoB
      Participant

      Hi, I’m new to the forum. I’m looking for anyone who’s been through something similar as I’m feeling super alone as I don’t have anyone to speak to about what has happened….. in (detail removed by moderator) (I can’t remember the actual date or time as my memory is shot due to all the abuse) my now ex abuser came into the bathroom whilst I was having a quick bath an started to strangle me whilst pushing my head into the water… I have never fought so hard in my life and I don’t know where my strength came from an I don’t remember if I was struggling to breathe but I do know I was pushing against him to make sure I didn’t go fully under the water.. after I don’t know how long of this happening I was then dragged out the bath by my neck an thrown on (detail removed by moderator) an he continued to strangle me. I was trying to fight him off by trying to push him with my arms an legs but he trapped my legs.. it got to a point where I was finding it very very hard to move my arms an I could feel I loosing feeling everywhere an all I could think of was what’s going to happen to my babies once I’m dead is he just going to leave them lying in their cot next to their dead naked mum, are the police are going to find me naked? ( the lack of dignity I was going to have in that moment haughty me an so does the thought of my children not knowing I’m dead but lying near me) then he just got off me an stopped! He didn’t say anything just walked out the (detail removed by moderator)… I don’t know why he stopped nor will I even know why which is also hard to deal with.
      I can’t stop thinking about what’s happened an what could of happened. I don’t know anyone who’s been though anything like this so I also feel so alone! Any advice on how to cope with reliving this would be amazing but also to meet someone who has been through something similar or the same would be great too. Thanks for reading x

    • #129328
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hello and welcome, have you had counselling for what happened? I’d recommend you talk to your GP as it sounds like you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Also please contact your local women’s aid. Strangulation is common in domestic abuse. And you’re seven times more likely to die if this has happened during a relationship. Abuse also often escalates after childbirth. This man knew just how far to go but as you say the next step would have been death and that’s going to be hard to deal with without help. Did you report this assault to the police? Do you still have contact with this man? There has been some research done on the effects of non fatal strangulation and England and Wales I believe are in the process of making it a stand alone offence because of the terrible effects. There’s the national domestic abuse helpline which might be good for you to call and talk to someone.

    • #129329
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’ve read many posts on here from women who have suffered this from their abuser. You are definitely not alone. I was scared for my life and the police were involved. Bail was put in place and it game me some space to find good counselling and get the help I needed. I remember thinking I was the only person in the whole world who had been abused and I remember how alone I felt in that. In a strange way I was both shocked and relieved when I discovered that sadly I was just one of many who had suffered in this way but there is lots of help out there especially from this forum x we understand and we will support you for as long as you need to get back on your feet, which you definitely will x I used to wonder how people carried on after such abuse but you’re much stronger than you think. And you have your babies to keep you going. You all deserve to be safe and free from abuse x

    • #129335
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hey I’m so sorry he did that to you – it’s made me really angry at him – what a piece of work. I hope you are safe now? Reliving this so vividly can happen when a threat like this has happened – you could look up PTSD on the NHS website and I would suggest you discuss it with your GP. Trauma focused CBT can be helpful and others have tried EMDR. The first step is to be kind to yourself and understand it’s normal to have a reaction to extreme trauma but that with support the flashbacks can become less and more manageable. I am unable to talk about something that happened to me – too identifying but I really do understand the fear and trauma you are not alone we are all here for you. X

    • #129337
      Cecile
      Participant

      Coco b you are a true hero. To be able to come on here and share this is a momentous act of bravery, showing just how deep your strength and power are.
      I hope the b*****d gets what he deserves.
      All the advice above is brilliant. Keep posting on here, it helped me to get out and survive.
      I had an attempt on my life, he did something to the car. I am lucky to be alive but there was loads more as well. Some poisoning too. What I struggle to understand now is why he did it. I cannot fathom what thoughts went through his head. I cannot understand what it feels like to want to kill some body. I was just a good wife and mother. As you are. I encountered strong female professionals in the police and health service who were absolutely adamant that I was in great danger, and helped me get out. There are so many women both on this forum and in the health and police services who will want to help you. Keep asking for help and advice and look after yourself.xx

    • #129343
      CocoB
      Participant

      Thankyou so much for the replies!
      I have done the freedom program which was awesome it it was one on one because of covid.. i am an so are babies safe have been for a good while thankfully also I have things in place to keep us all safe. A trial has been dated now an I am nervous about it but also very determined to make sure he doesn’t get away with his abuse!
      I will definitely take all your advice so Thankyou!!
      Cecile, that’s what I was trying to say in
      A way but the part for me is what was going through his head to then just stop (he’s knows what he’s doing an clearly wants to do it but all of a sudden he doesn’t?)

    • #129345
      Emptybutfree
      Participant

      Hi lovely,

      Firstly, you are brave and amazing.

      I completely relate to you, I’ve been strangled, you’re not alone.

      I once said to the police, ‘I just think he loses control’ and I was told ‘he is in complete control’ which really stuck with me. It’s all power and control.

      You are still here now, you need support so if you haven’t already, please contact your GP on local DV team.

      My abuser is now in prison, the strangulation was only counted as assault which is terrible but I believe a new law is coming through called ‘non fatal strangulation’

      The rate of DV related deaths jump right up if the abuser uses strangulation. It is very scary and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through what you have.

      You deserve nothing but happiness. You have your babies and your babies have you.

      We’re always here, you’re never alone and you’re an incredible person.

      Sending lots of hugs to you xx

    • #129376
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Oh my goodness CocoB, what a horrific experience. I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you. It sent shivers down my spine just reading it. What an amazingly strong and brave person you are.

      I haven’t experienced this but it made me think of something I read in Lundy Bancroft’s book called Why does he do that? Bancroft works with abusers. He said he has asked many abusers something along the lines of “so you pushed her to the floor. Why didn’t you kick her in the head?” and the response is usually “oh I’d never do that”. The point is that what seems like an uncontrolled act of rage is not uncontrolled. They stop short of what they think is unacceptable at that time (bear in mind over time they may be able to justify more and more violence). So your abuser stopped because he decided what he’d done had terrorised you enough. It was to show you how powerful he is and to leave you guessing how far he might go next time.

      I’m actually happy to hear Emptybutfree came across police who understand that abusers are in control. There is hope that understanding about abuse is improving.

      I agree that looking into PTSD and/or cPTSD is a good idea. You do not deserve to continue living this trauma. Sending lots of love on your healing journey. xxxx

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