Core identity and sense of self

[Sportygirl]

When I realised I’m living with an abuser and how that’s affecting me, one of the things I realised is that I don’t feel I have a strong sense of self, healthy core identity or agency, because of the abuse. While this may be common for many people in abusive relationships, I think what has shocked me is the realisation that I don’t think I ever did.

I grew up being abused by my dad and older sister with constant put downs and physical and emotional abuse, and my mum was an enabler who wasn’t there for me. I was pretty much ignored when I wasn’t being abused. So I missed the development of a sense of self, and healthy core identity based not just on developing my unique gifts and abilities, but just because I have inherent value as a human being and a daughter, no matter what the circumstances.

Decades later to present day, I see how this has played out. Never feeling good enough, constantly comparing myself with others, trying things but barely getting past just starting because I lack confidence, feeling that what I do and who I am isn’t important anyway and feeling so inherently unworthy of good.

I wonder if the abuse I’m experiencing has held up a mirror for me to have this realisation about not having been able to develop a core inherent sense of value and worth, to show me it’s missing. External things, doing things, journalling, meditation, other people etc may make me feel better for a very short time, but as soon as they’re gone I’m left feeling like an empty shell again. I’m not sure I’d call it a gift, but in a way I’m glad I can see now what’s missing, and no amount of external things is going to change it, because at least I now know where to put my focus for healing.

I wonder if anyone else has had this kind of realisation and what has helped. Nothing external please, this is about learning my basic human right of having inherent core identity, healthy inner scaffolding, worth and value as a human being just because I exist, and being worthy of respect for the same reason. If anyone is/has been on this journey, any insights or experiences that have helped would be most welcome.

[Texas]

Hi,

Yes I can relate to everything you say.  I took things in very small steps on my journey to self acceptance and self recovery.  I did things such as:

Answer very basic questions about myself by writing in my journal – what is my favourite colour, drink, food etc.  If I did not know, I would find out!  Then build from there.  Bigger challenges would be things like what do I enjoy doing?  If I don’t know, I would make a list of things to try and give them a go!  This was the fun bit!

I also thought about my personal values.  I struggled with this so I bought a life coaching book to help.  Knowing this, I could then start to understand what my boundaries were.

I think the biggest takeaway of all was for me was learning to trust myself and that my feelings were valid, no matter what others thought.

I hope this somehow helps x

[Karisqq]

my parents have abusive patterns as well, and I used to always bullied by classmates and also got abused in university too, lots of time I struggle and don’t know whether I’m good enough, and whether I’m going to be okay in my future, it’s all scary. But for me, I try to write gratitude list everyday, and try to find my own voice through things I’m doing, through chasing my dreams and goals, and even through negative emotions like tears, anger and anxiety… it takes time, and it is tough, and occasionally it can get overwhelming, but when you’re at the middle of the storm, that means the storm is passing soon, it’s counting down!

[Sportygirl]

Thank you both for your helpful replies 🙂

 

[Author]

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