This topic contains 41 replies, has 20 voices, and was last updated by  Losingbattle 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #99255
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sparing a thought for all the women who may be stuck at home with their abuser because of self isolation. Abusers see illness as a weakness and an opportunity to abuse when we are extra vulnerable. Sending strength to any of you who are in this position. Not just because of the current situation x

  • #99257
     Cecile 
    Participant

    Nice thought Kip I have been worried about the impact of this on women also. (detail removed by moderator)

  • #99258
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    Jeez – if the perpetrator catches it we will all have to default to slave mode for them! Let’s face it – they will get it far worse than anyone. But if you have it you will be expected to just get on with it

    • #99666
       Mommabear 
      Participant

      OMG this was my experience…whatever I got illness wise he got 10 times worse! Sending everyone currently still co-habiting lots of love x*x

  • #99259
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Wow – I hadn’t even thought of that. Thinking of all women affected in this way x

  • #99261
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You can bet if a perpetrator has it he would terrorise you and the kids with it. No self isolation for him. I can imagine how many already are lying and using it as a weapon.

  • #99263
     TheHopeThatKillsYou 
    Participant

    My partner has a job where he mingles with a lot of different people in different places every day and has, literally this afternoon, just said “I may work from home from Monday”. It was bad enough when he had to do this for one day when it snowed recently, the thought of weeks of it makes me feel sick.
    Cecile – the thought had crossed my mind ha ha…

  • #99264
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Oh gosh. Maybe you could start coughing! Might get him back out to work🤔

  • #99271
     ssid 
    Participant

    I know mine would make sure I got it.

    Really worried for what will happen to abused women and children all over the country/world being shut in with their abuser under such stress.

    Nobody will be able to help them.

    Keep safe everyone

  • #99272
     ssid 
    Participant

    Ideal isn’t really, save them setting fire to house with everyone in it.

  • #99274
     thankgoodness 
    Participant

    Thank you KIP you are always kind and thoughtful ! 🙂 I’m praying all the abuse victims will be okay during this depressing time.

  • #99277
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    The more I think about that the more sympathy I have for women literally trapped in the same house 24/7 and kids too with an abuser. It’s going to put strain on even healthy relationships. King of the castle is going to be unbearable.
    It will also be hard for women recently out – instead of focusing on rebuilding their lives they are going to be stuck at home alone which may bring back feelings of isolation and loneliness and give them too much time to dwell on things which could break their resolve.
    Time to order some self help books and Netflix box sets as a distraction!

  • #99282
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Perhaps it will bring the realisation of just how bad things are and give them the strength to make an exit plan. I know that on holiday and in the car when I was trapped he took advantage of no escape. Perhaps after seven days his abuse will be glaringly obvious helped by forums like this and women’s aid. I know when my ex retired I became his target 24/7. Not a good place to be. Thank goodness for women’s aid. Rape Crisis. victim Support, The Samaritans, the police and the courts. The Scottish Women’s Rights Centre. All of which helped me. What a great country we live in that that we have these organisations to help us x if you’re struggling then please make use of them x

  • #99316
     ssid 
    Participant

    I have heard of assualt via deliberately coughing on someone, this is I think I read somewhere murderous intent.

    Its a really easy way for abusive men to cause severe harm to women.

    Another thing I read was a study of how men are dying at a higher rate than women.

    I say this because those men who do this coughing deliberately would be better off knowing this!

    I wouldn’t be wishing this in anyone, but some really do.

  • #99382
     Alittlelost 
    Participant

    Ive just seen this post after i made my own on the other board about my partner being off work for months. Im so stressed. Its going to be so horrible. Him being away at work is only time i can relax. Now he will be home all the time

  • #99384
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Maybe you can use this as momentum to escape from him. Nobody should feel this way about their partner. Could you record his abuse and ring 999. Could you warn your neighbours to ring the police if they hear you scream. Could you ask the police to remove him, could you start an exit plan with your local women’s aid. You do have the freedom to make choices for yourself x

  • #99386
     Cecile 
    Participant

    Just heard one of my adult kids who lives in a busy city probably has it, Has symptoms of high temperature, sore throat, dry cough. My stupid oh visited this offspring very recently and then arrived back here. Haven’t seen him ever wash his hands…, the oh that is….
    Puts the kybosh on me trying to move early April to another country. S**t…
    Not just stuck here with him, he will probably develop it. Also I am in one of the vulnerable groups…..Nonono…Imsuppose many millions have similarly complex plans and needs. Nature of the beAst! But locked up with a beast….

  • #99396
     Catjam 
    Participant

    This is causing me massive anxiety. My oh hates my boss, wants me to quit working there so any opportunity to cause issues at work he will. My boss doesn’t agree with the self isolation if we are worried we have it. He thinks it’s just a chance to skip work. I am up at 4am because of worrying about it. I wish I could switch my brain off.
    I feel desperation for the women and children who are struggling with their own fears and terror surrounding this virus and being trapped with these men. Unfortunately it doesn’t look like it’s a situation that is going to resolve itself quickly.

  • #99399
     KIP. 
    Participant

    When you’re in an abusive relationship your anxiety levels are already off the scale so something like this will push you over the edge. Abuse and trauma leave very little head space for rational thinking. The figures show that eighty percent recover without a problem. Your immune system is also compromised with the stress of living with abuse. Another good reason to get out of an abusive relationship. You also have more time for yourself when not babysitting a six foot dysfunctional nasty abuser.

  • #99411
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Yes I was just thinking about everyone too and how much worse it will all get. My problem is not just being with him but he is Mr Right. So he knows best about everything. He lectures me even if we’ve watched the same news reports or read the same articles.
    You know The Wizard of Oz? You know the Wicked Witch of the West? When Dorothy throws the bucket of water over her and she just fizzles away. That’s what I feel like. Constant lecturing and superiority. Constant treating me like not just a child but a particularly stupid one.
    My head is already buzzing.
    Kip, you are right (as usual) – this must be used to fuel the fire of The Escape Plan.

  • #99412
     confusedallofthetime 
    Participant

    This feels like the absolute worst time to go from being part of a couple to being on my own. I’m not going to lie It’s going to take every single ounce of strength I have t not let him comfort me in my anxiety – but I’ll stay strong.

  • #99413
     confusedallofthetime 
    Participant

    I’m freaking out.

    I’m not worried about me getting it. It’s the passing it on. The disruption. The impact on family and friends. Businesses. Local communities. Mental health.

    It already feels like nothing will ever be the same again because of my relationship ending. Then there’s this. It’s horrifying.

  • #99414
     KIP. 
    Participant

    The trouble is you’re not part of a couple. Abusers will undermine you and deliberately make you feel vulnerable. I’m on my own and I know I can cope easily. If I was still with my abuser I’d be coping with his c**p, his insecurities, his abuse, his making my anxiety a hundred times worse just because he can. His aggression, his problems, his opinion, his controlling behaviour. He was an idiot, have faith in yourself x

  • #99418
     ssid 
    Participant

    I for one am relieved that there’s recognition that many children in schools need their school day as a support, to be away from home and to have a meal. Schools being open gives the mums with jobs desperately needed financial independence and freedom from abuse during the day.

    I know this would be an unpopular view to all those wanting schools shut but the under 10’s especially dont seem to have the receptor cells in their lungs to get ill from the virus. Their safest place is school.

    The younger ones are the more vulnerable because they have less automony to leave when abuse is happening.

    I also agree that this disease can really focus the mind at the choices we have. When faced with having to stay indoors every day with an abuser and realising what that means, that other ways are there, other choices, with the right help.

    Please stay safe women.

  • #99419
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Since I got out last year I have in a way been in self imposed isolation. I just haven’t wanted to be with people. Just this last couple of weeks I started reconnecting with friends, now the physical distancing we should observe feels very different and I actually feel a strong underlying anxiety/ discomfort. I’m lucky that I’m not cooped up with an abuser, and send strength and good thoughts to those who are.

    If you can, if at all possible p, do try to get some fresh air in during the day. I just took an hour out from work as I was getting increasingly frustrated with everyone and everything. Just being in nature and fresh air and working up a sweat has made me feel better.

    I hope we can all support one another through these strange times. Xx

  • #99421
     thankgoodness 
    Participant

    I think this coronavirus is going to reveal the worst in abusive people and the best in kind people. We must look out for each other to protect everyone. I like those clips on social media of people being kind to people. It brings a tear to my eye that there is support out there and nice people do exist. Everyone must support each other in these difficult times.

  • #99441
     iliketea 
    Participant

    I was planning on leaving at Easter…not going to happen now as the people’s who’s house I was going to whilst it happened are now not going away. The thought of 24/7 with kids being here too with him is so frightening – weekends have got really bad lately, now potentially weeks and weeks. Have no idea how to survive this. My GP told me to up my anti-depressants!! Id only just told school and they were about to support my eldest. Been trying to get books and see if I can do it myself, anyone got any suggestions? Thx x

  • #99442
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Get women’s aid to support you. Try to secretly record his abuse and Report his abuse to the police and see if they can remove him from the property. Look at renting somewhere for you and the kids or speak to women’s aid about a refuge where there is support. Do you have family you could stay with?

  • #99443
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi there everyone, Women’s Aid recognise the impact that this will have on survivors. Do take a look at the last news section on the Women’s Aid website for information around Covid 19 and domestic abuse.

    Best wishes

    Lisa

  • #99444
     iliketea 
    Participant

    No family no. And no friends would want me and kids I doubt, not on lockdown. Refuge would be out of the county and Im not prepared to do that to my children.

  • #99448
     Cecile 
    Participant

    Hi iliketea
    You have my sincere sympathy.this is timing a lot of us up in knots.
    I see women’s aid have some information on their main website on sources of support. I have had to change my plan also, just a few more weeks and I would be free but looks like I may not be able to travel now for months. I am patiently trawling though other options while he increases controls and abuse on me like a medieval torturer. Can’t take any more.
    Don’t lose heart. Things happen all the time in life to cause problems, and that’s what this is, this corona virus. You have the right to be free and not live in fear. Coronavirus does not give him the right to intimidate and abuse you. Find another means. I know it can be emotionally exhausting but that is the nature of the beast. Keep gathering your social contacts and options, such as getting him out using the law. Keep posting.x

  • #99495
     Lightness 
    Participant

    The stress of the virus will likely stress out the perpetrators and they will no doubt want to take the blame out on their victims. I know that that is how it would have been for me. He would have though the virus was caused to hurt him and so I would be made to pay.

  • #99496
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yep Lightness, it would have just been another excuse to abuse. It amazes me how they never step up in times of crisis. They see it as a weakness and something to exploit. Mind blowing. Mine would driven me to sleepless nights making me worry by exaggerating and probably coughing in my face then have a chuckle and excuse it as a ‘joke’. Good riddance to bad rubbish. He’s not my problem anymore x

  • #99504
     ssid 
    Participant

    Cecile

    Essential trips are still being accepted, so getting out is essential.

    Or did you mean flights out, if so, depends where to. I haven’t looked at the new site information yet and I will go and check, but I hope your plan can go ahead. Its essential you’re safe x

  • #99506
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    And now it’s the poor abused kids too. My (detail removed by moderator) is in bits because A levels have been cancelled and (detail removed by moderator) has effectively left school at the flick of a switch but my oh has no capacity for empathy and completely belittles all emotion. I hate him. I don’t know what will happen now.

  • #99512
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I’m so sorry Lottieblue, seeing our kids upset is soul destroying. It’s the time our partners should step up,and help. Please acknowledge his worry and assure him everything will be okay. Try to get him to focus on the here and now. The anxiety comes from the future so he’s safe and loved at this moment. He has the capacity at this moment to do his exams at a future date. Even night school or college. Give him a 🤗 hug x thank goodness he has you x

  • #99754
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    KIP
    Thank you for this, I have found myself in this situation. Had to start self isolating last week ( detail removed by moderator) due to a health condition. My oh v pleased as hates my job. Suddenly being all nice and keeps saying “I don’t want to lose you and I’m worried you’re at risk. All of this has made me realise how much I love you “
    I really don’t know how I feel about this, whereas not long ago I just wanted things to be alright now I feel a sense of impending doom. I have got to sleep in separate room so I don’t catch anything but just know this is all going to be thrown in my face at a later date…I will owe him. To make matters worse, (detail removed by moderator) he decided to self isolate bringing himself hone from work ( despite working alone) he’s only been back (detail removed by moderator) after having almost (detail removed by moderator) off and as he’s self employed – guess I’m going to be footing the bills again, as it will be for my good that he’s doing it. I already feel guilty for not being able to be at work, I work in (detail removed by moderator). Just can’t cope with at least 12 weeks of this. Dr has told me I can’t even go out of house.

  • #99757
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey, keep posting. It sounds like you know his game. One of their aims is to isolate us from friends family and help. Many will be loving this time of isolation and will be making the most of it. Make plans in your head for when you’re feeling better and slowly implement them. This dramatic ‘I don’t want to loose you’ and reminding you youre at risk is a subtle way of scaring you. Making out that he’s the hero in all this. Don’t let him. There’s always something going on behind their comments. You will be fine. It was never any illness that floored me it was being abused on top.

  • #99760
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    Thanks KIP, I can see through everything now but seem unable to make plans as cannot leave the house at all. I have a serious lung condition which means I am stuck here. Already he is playing the hero, saying I am putting him at risk as he is having to go the shops. When i say Ill find somewhere to go and stay there – he quickly changes tact and says Im worried about infecting you thats all. For someone who loves to control, it must be really testing. Also had the reminder already that he will run out of money in (detail removed by moderator). That doesnt bother me and almost feel like i have something back to throw in his face when it comes to it. I know that sounds appalling but i just know exactly what will happen. This is my ultimate nightmare. On a plus side I am managing to keep in touch with girls from work.

  • #99766
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi all, hope you are managing the best you can with covid19 and it’s fallout. My ex, who I’ve been away from for many months IS using this as an excuse to contact me. I’ve also got keys to my own place BUT can’t move on as funding isn’t readily available due to backlog caused by this virus. Meanwhile I’m accruing rent arrears on a weekly basis. I’ve contacted my member of parliament, but I’m worrying myself sick about the amount of debt I’m going to be in. This is another knock on effect of this virus, the lockdown etc. I totally get why women would go back, I just feel so lost and unable to fix this.

  • #99778
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    Hi Iwantmeback, its so lovely to hear from you 🙂 many abusive people will try to hoover us back in, I had one hoover attempt from a person that hadn’t been in touch since (detail removed by moderator). No contact. Blocking this person.
    Focus on staying free no matter how difficult it seems right now, tackle one issue after the other. You’ve got this. You’re strong. There will financial solutions. Take in a deep breath and stay healthy, away from your abusive ex and keep safe.
    Sending you hugs 💕

  • #99779
     Losingbattle 
    Participant

    His work is getting quieter lately so I’m dreading being stuck inside with him. Hes pretty adamant at the moment that beer needs getting on every shopping trip 🤦‍♀️😡

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