- This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Indeepindance.
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31st May 2024 at 3:24 pm #168944IndeepindanceParticipant
Hi all, I’m (detail removed by Moderator) post walk-out after finally reaching break-point following months of double standards over little things (still upsetting), parent-child and dominating style interactions, lack of respect during conversations and no longer being allowed to speak or stand up for myself in favour of ‘just moving forward’ and not ‘bringing up the past’ including subtle gaslighting.
I wanted to know whether if I had handled certain comments differently, I could have either made him see what he was doing wasn’t the best approach and was damaging our relationship, or, let him know I was onto him.
An example, I had joined a (detail removed by Moderator) class as I felt he didn’t really want me joining a gym. He didn’t state this in so many words just said thoughtfully, ‘I might join a gym too…’ So he made it fairly difficult to plan when was convenient for me to join this hour long class literally on our doorstep each week, which felt like a tactic to discourage me from bringing it up? I couldn’t just arrange it and go. So after my (detail removed by Moderator) session (I perservered) he said he might join too. I thought okay….and said why not if that’s what you want to do? He said men must be allowed right? I said I don’t know you should contact them and find out. Then he tells me he saw a man go in there one evening when he’d dropped me off. I started to say that wasn’t possible but he got cross and spoke over me so I said okay I’ll let you carry on then I’ll explain why you’re wrong. Eventually when he realised I wasn’t responding, he said okay what were you going to say? I told him that what he couldn’t have known because he’d never been inside, is that the studio is the only through route to rest of that building, so if a man had entered, I would have seen him. He maintained his stance though but my question is, what was that about and was it gaslighting/controlling in some way and if I’d said to him, babe, is there something you’re concerned about or would you rather I not go there or something? Or said I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to work. Could I have changed the outcome of our relationship and saved it? I still miss him so much. Thanks all.
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31st May 2024 at 3:38 pm #168946AllornothingParticipant
Hi @indeepindance, the straight answer is NO! It doesn’t matter how you responded or handled a comment or conversation, the same behaviour just would have been repeated over and over until you eventually started to lose yourself. Myself and my ex joined a gym (he worked away a a lot), I went once on my own and oh my goodness, how dare I? He would rather I sat at home and waited until he was home to go – yet he never voiced this when we joined – silly me, it should have been obvious! Now I am definitely not an attractive person when working out, if anything I hate it but that wasn’t the point – according to him, men were there to ogle at women…….
No matter what you do or say, it will be controlled by their reaction. Well done you for getting your freedom, you miss the good side. It is always good to write a journal – I did this and went back over our whole relationship and I couldn’t believe the memories that started coming back, all of this helped me in moving forward and made me realise how much I put up with. You will get stronger, sending lots of love xx
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31st May 2024 at 3:55 pm #168948IndeepindanceParticipant
Thank you so much @allornothing – that does ease my mind. Oh my gosh your experience sounds so similar!! Did you also love that he was that into you? I did and still do, but you’re right about the memories coming back when you’re away from it and my journal started before i left and has 13,000 words so far.
When it got to the level I had to ask whether I could go to my car to get something out of the boot, I definitely felt I was losing my mind completely. For some reason I wasn’t considering the impact on everyone else! Yes it was his home I was living in at the time but I could not make sense of how that left me feeling.
Isn’t that interesting that men know other men’s behaviour, projection of their own perhaps? I was also asked not to bend over in public as it would attract the wrong attention. I saw him checking other girls all the time so told him it’s normal don’t worry so much about other people, but now I’m really thinking what was he really knowing about his own behaviour.
So reassuring to hear how your journal helped you to process it all, I’m obsessively reading mine and feel like I’ll never stop as I miss him desperately. But agree with you that I realise I could sort one problem then another would be right around the corner. So so sad, I’ll never be the same again. Good on you too for getting out, what did it in the end? I literally exploded one day at a small but false accusation/criticism that was the last straw and my brain and body couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to leave calmly before that point as as was so conflicted and still in love. I will remind myself that any conversation I could replay now would not go how I wanted it to anyway xxxxx
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31st May 2024 at 4:06 pm #168949AllornothingParticipant
Hi @indeepindance, you are right about other men’s behaviour, projection of their own perhaps – I once discovered mine had put himself online ‘looking for some fun’, I reacted and he was more angry that someone would have seen my reaction and how could I do that to him. It’s actually shocking when you look back!
It sounds like you have really got this, it’s the grieving process we have to go through. I have to say, I am (detail removed by Moderator) out and I do feel like I’ve got there now. If someone had told me the morning I left that I was leaving that day, I wouldn’t have believed them but something in me snapped, I packed black bin bags, got the dog and went to a hotel. The hardest parts followed, but it is a journey and process we have to go through and we get stronger!
Here’s to freedom! xx
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31st May 2024 at 4:43 pm #168951IndeepindanceParticipant
@allornothing Same! It was like someone had taken over my body then I found myself in lodgings miles and miles away from his place. And yes so so hard. He’s blocked me and has all my stuff, no idea how or when/whether to tackle that one. Freedom indeed, felt like free-fall at first though and still don’t know how to get through the days alone without him on my mind every secon, but am not quite as terrified to go shopping etc. alone. Shocking how heavy my body felt I felt like I’d been locked up for years xxxxx
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