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Hi again, so I’m back wondering again if things were really that bad. I know that I feel so much better for him not being here, but maybe it wasn’t really abusive? I know that people say that if you’re unhappy in a relationship then that is enough of a reason in itself, but for me this whole abuse side of things really played a huge role in the ending of my marriage.
He suffered a big loss a few years ago, and that was a trigger point for him becoming much worse. At the time I put it down to grief, and that kept me with him right up until I left. I had never considered his behaviour to be abusive until a counsellor identified it. I hadn’t realised that the fast heart rate, the sweats and shakes, the disassociation were symptoms of fear, I’d never given the emotion a name it was just normal for me.
What I struggle with is some of the definitions of abuse. Some things I’ve read have said that after being with an abuser you lose all sense of identity. This is something I moderately felt, but I know he had it in spades. The idea he didn’t know who he was anymore. Was that somehow my fault? Is he actually right in calling me the abusive one and I’m just completely blinded to it? I want to know if I am abusive because I don’t want to be that person.
The main accusation he has against me is that I was cold and robotic and would dismiss his feelings. I know that I have a tendency to be very analytical and logical in my responses to emotional things (like offer solutions when all that’s needed is a comforting ear) but I could never help myself. He had so many problems, a lot of them centering around his mental health, and I couldn’t help but try and “fix” him, offer help, or try and push him to seek professional help (which he never did until it was too late and then only as a way to get at me). But even when I wrote that just now I’m questioning whether thats really true or not, or if its just my warped perception? Do I just take the things he’s done too personally?
He never hit me, or physically attacked me in any form. He would smash things up and hurt himself and threaten suicide if I ever left and I know from all the reading I’ve been doing that these ate big red flags. But what if it was just his grief coming out? His poor mental health? What if there is something wrong with me and I pushed him to those limits because I couldn’t love him properly?
The other question that crops up for me (and this is based on @iliketea Post from early today is the sex side of things. He could always be quite giving in bed, but whenever he had been in an argument it would be later used against me to show how little I do for him. In the last year of our marriage (probably longer, but I was able to pretend better) I had zero desire for sex. I would feel (for want of a better word) repulsed by his physical touch. When things had gotten really bad between us he would occasionally try to instigate something. In the past I would have capitulated, because it would seem to make things a bit better for a while but I just couldn’t bring myself to do this anymore. I told him I was grateful that he was trying in his own way to build some connection between us again but that I just wasn’t ready for it. He told me it wasn’t for us it was for him. After him saying this I felt used, and any time post that point that he tried anything I felt sick to my stomach but unable to say anything to him or even ask him to stop. I would just pretend to be asleep and he would give up. He’s never raped me or assaulted me, and I felt so stupid that I couldn’t just say “not right now please” or something similar because I was so worried about hurting his feelings more. I felt like a terrible person.
I suppose my point is, I just don’t know how to define these things. Was it my mistreatment of him that lead us to this point? Is this something I’m doomed to repeat? Have I ruined our family by being somehow incapable of providing love properly? He is so sure that I am messed up, that I have attachment and trust issues from childhood that have been the cause of all of this. He will say that some of his behaviour hasn’t been okay, but that he’s never been abusive, it was only ever a reaction to my bad treatment of him.
He just wanted me to put him first, ahead of the children, so that we could be a strong foundation on which the family could grow. He said that he could only put himself first because he was so depressed. I read that as him always having to be number one and anything less would warrant his bad behaviour. And that I had a duty as his wife to put all my needs aside for him because he was suffering so much. But he was always suffering so much, for our entire relationship. And I really did try to put him first, but I ran out of steam and grew resentful. If I’d have been able to be more selfless would we have ended up here?
I know there’s not really much use in what ifs. Things are the way they are now and there’s no going back. I just wish I understood it all better.
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Hi Balloons
I wanted to reply. It’s 3am, I am awake after a rather big incident and have felt exactly like you are describing many times but see it more clearly now..I think. I don’t think it is a misunderstanding. Yes people have mental health difficulties etc and this can make someone upset, feel more vulnerable and in need of support but there is a limit to what you can do and at the end of the day you are not responsible for his actions. I think it is very natural if you are a caring person to want to help someone, to fix it for them if you can. But sometimes we really need to accept we can’t do this. As one friend kindly put it you are great but you are not god! Or another who said you don’t have to be a martyr here. It is okay to not be able to fix this, if he is unwell you can only support and reading your post it sounds like you gss as have done this for a very long time while at the same time experiencing the threats of suicide if you leave, throwing things etc; this not down to mental health this is because he needs to control you! The why does he do that book by Bancroft really helps sort this kind of thinking out. On the sex, I had the opposite experience of zero contact but don’t discard your feelings here, there is a reason you feel like you do and it is most likely due to his abusive behaviour. I feel like I am rambling but basically don’t doubt yourself, if you didn’t think he had mental health difficulties would you accept his behaviour I doubt it so you shouldn’t accept it now. It is very easy to give the behaviour an excuse cos you are a caring person. Having a mental health difficulty does not give you permission to be abusive but it does provide an excuse which will keep you stuck in an abusive situation. Abuse is abuse and he is abusive. X -
Sorry just to add you ask about is it because I couldn’t love him properly? If a friend came to you and described a situation where their partner threatened suicide threw things etc and they stayed because they wanted to help them would you say you didn’t love him enough? No you would probably think you are a saint for coping with that. He sounds like he is projecting on to you and has been for a long time. It has been said on here lots of times before if you are asking could I have been better, more supportive did I make him do this then it is very likely you are not the problem here because you care! X
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Sorry adding as I re read. If he says you are cold and robotic I imagine he may just be picking up on your body and mind acting to protect itself. I had started to feel numb and like I was living in a fantasy land when I was around him so this comment would probably have been right about me but it wasn’t because I hadnt loved him or couldn’t love someone else it was because I had no other way to cope with what was happening anymore. I have separated but we are still in the same house together due to finances of the mortgage I am starting to think I need to do something about my situation, but even knowing I am not together emotionally has helped me see why I acted like I did and like you it is not because I wanted to hurt him it was to protect myself from totally losing my mind x
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Hi ladies,
Firstly, Chestnut – don’t know how you’re coping with him still being under the same roof. You need a medal… and a solution I think?! Good luck with that, I know it’s not easy but I am concerned for you.
To Balloons, simply put – it’s not you, IT’S HIM. Honestly, I think they all do the blame game and because we are normal(ish hahaha) people who care about hurting others we start to doubt ourselves. Was it me? I have done exactly the same and really the facts are starkly to the contrary. Yet, I have thought those words – ‘is it me?’.
They do a number on us. Head twisting blame shifting. I honestly think they ALL do it.
If only they would put their many ‘talents’ to better use eh!
It’s NOT YOU. Honestly. xxxx
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Sorry – but he sounds like a blood sucking Mr Victim. Everything is about him and his needs fit to his issues and you need to provide limitless engergybto fuel his recovery.
Read the Lundy Bancroft book recommendation- your guy is a classic victim.
Read about FOG – fear obligation guilt. He is constantly making you feel obliged (the sex thing being a prime example) and the guilt thing is just constant. Even now you are feeling guilty!!
I cannot understand why any partner would expect their needs to come before those of your kids – classic entitlement going on there. Kids are the number ones – with a partner perhaps being equal to that but for me certainly not above that.
If you were so cold and uncaring you would already have mentally switched off an not be obsessing and even writing in here!
I didn’t live your life but from what I read it sounded exhausting and mentally draining. Who would feel sexual in that environment and how dare he expect you to provide sex as therapy for him – because that’s basically what he said!!
I know it’s hard – the reason you are finding this so hard is because you ARE a caring person – therefore you have just proven to yourself you are not the abuser!!
No all abusers shout and hit to control us…..some play the victim and play on our guilt…. -
A man should never ask you to put him ahead of your children – this is a form of control and jealousy towards his own children. A man should never put himself before his own children but this is his the whole me me me thing – that he comes first before anyone else.
Also blaming you is another form of abuse so that you think you’re the problem and that it’s your fault. It’s not you. You can’t change a person or make them better – they have to change for themselves, but abusers can’t change because it’s just how they are programmed. You could be the most giving caring wife and it still would never be enough for them.
The smashing things up and threatening to commit suicide is absue, it’s not normal behaviour. Smashing things up is a way for him to scare you. And a women’s aid worker told me that someone who is suicidal doesn’t threaten it – they just do it, most of the time in silence so that no one can try and stop them. This is control and blackmail so that you wouldn’t leave him and to guilt trip you.
Also, in a healthy relationship one person doesn’t get put first, it’s sharing that together. It’s both being there for each other, not a one-sided thing, even if someone has mental health problems, the other person is still important too and their needs.
Abusers can never admit they are wrong and put the blame on their victims, they can’t take responsibility for their actions.And they always say “I only acted that way because of your behaviour or because of what you said.” This is an abuser tactic as well. “Well if you hadn’t acted that way and wound me up then I wouldn’t have slammed your head off the wall.” It’s then trying to justify their actions by blaming you.
He wants you to feel like this, to doubt things and to blame yourself. Don’t do it.
You and your children deserve so much more and he may not have physically hurt you but abuse doesn’t need to be physical, and in time it finally does reach that stage when they feel you will put up with anything. You did the right thing leaving. You deserve a better life and there are loads of good men out there for you to find a healthy and loving relationship with. -
Thanks @same-again for the concern. I don’t want to change topic from Balloons question but I think being in the same house together is not a good idea. I have got my needed things ready to go if needed, I can stay at a friends if I really need to but I am paying for everything at the moment, he can’t afford to, if I don’t pay we default on the mortgage, I need to be near for work. I don’t have children and basically live in the spare room, it has mostly been psychological (apart from some grabbing, throwing things and mad driving). I feel I am becoming a master of grey rock now, it is anything but easy. The plan is to sell up but lockdown is not helping! He doesn’t have anywhere to go (well not anywhere near here). He has a serious health condition which I find very hard and always feel bad about finding hard as he is the one that has it. I found him virtually unconscious (detail removed by moderator) and I actually thought for a moment he had died, I am pretty sure I have PTSD from all that over the years let alone everything else. It is also the main thing that has kept me in the relationship for so long. That is me today, I am lucky though I have great friends and family not nearby but they know what is happening as I have let it out bag and it is such a relief x
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Hi everyone, thank you so much for posting. I hate how often I end up doubting myself again. It’s as if I think “well, they didn’t know the full story, I had my part to play too”. As time goes on I am seeing it a bit more clearly, and I have a lot of thanks to give you all on here for that.
@Chesnut, that must be so so hard, I don’t know how you do it. I really hope you manage to find your way out soon.. I can’t even begin to imagine.
And I have read some parts of that Lundy book, best one I’ve found yet. So many of the things I read just don’t seem to fit properly with my own experience and just end up fuelling my doubt more, but I totally see the Mr Victim in him, with a good dose of Mr Sensitive in the mix too.
Thank you again, I really do find this invaluable xx
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Hi Balloons
My abuser used to claim he felt things more deeply than I did. He often said that he was ’emotional’ while I was ‘rational’. That still makes me laugh! I would suggest that you stop believing anything that came out of his mouth. You only have his word for how he felt and you know how much his word is worth x
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