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I keep going around in circles as i feel my relationship is mildly abusive sometimes but then i think i maybe being selfish and remembering things to be worse than they are. I have made a list of behaviours from my partner that have taken place over the last four ish years.
Calling me fat etc in arguments or when irritated with me.
Shouts at me when annoyed even infront of kids, or slags me off to the kids e.g ‘mommy is stupid isnt she’, mommy doesnt shut up does she’.
If we argue or i do something he doesn’t like i feel punished by him. e.g take kids off on weekends (which we normally do stuff as a family)wont say where they’re going or when they’re bk cos ‘they’re my kids i don’t have to tell u’
When a family member of his had a messy divorce (detail removed by moderator)partner made comments to me and his family member that he would be manipulative and do things (detail removed by moderator) for me and my kids if i separated with him etc.
Looks at my phone (but this is done when the opportunity arises and im stressed e.g when i ask him to navigate, or show him a pic on my phone, or he asks to use it).
Throwing my phone at me cos he saw i had confided in my mom about stuff he had done or when i sought emotional support from her.
Put his fist in my face and growled when we argued…said he wasn’t going to hit me when i told him if he ever hit me id be gone and made a sarcastic comment.
Constantly criticises everything i do, parenting, house, diy, appearance (mostly joke form).
Im held to a different standard to him, where im expected to do better and more, but then told how s**t i am at everything i do.
Slags my family off – sets rules they cant be in the house when he gets home from work, or makes nasty comments when ever he talks about them in passing comments- but then says its cos i’ve moaned about them in the past and confided in him about any arguments i’ve had and that’s why he doesn’t like them.
When i moaned at him for making our child cry and refused to let him have her as i was comforting him, he dug his nails in and ripped her out my arms…she got more upset and wanted to come bk to me but he wouldn’t let her.
Says things to my daughter like ‘u and mommy need to work on your relationship’- she is 2 and clearly loves me.
Has all mortgage, bills wages into his account, only gives me £100 towards food, he wont put it in a joint account or allow me to see the bills are being paid.
Uses the fact im sahm to win against me- he works and uses that as a justification for everything- i did work but wasn’t any better off and he was being lazy in looking after the kids.
I cud go on forever, the thing is after he threatened to end things and i agreed he did the normal silent treatment for two days until i asked to talk. He told me what he wanted to change and i said a bit. He has since been nice but i cant help but feel i still want to leave and that this will soon spin bk to all the rubbish above. Is it possible im tired and reading into normal relatioship arguing and stress or is this abusive?
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The reason you have written down those things, I believe, is because they feel so wrong to you, they feel wrong because they are wrong.
You are right, he is abusive, its all so cruel and heartless. I felt so for all that you sad, but your poor litle child being ripped from your arms.
It’s wrong and you are right. Keep strong and make your plans. Do it safely and cut all opportunity’s for access to you all from him after those threats.
Warmest wishes ts
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Hello. This all resonates with me so much. You question if your over reacting and think maby its not that bad. But would you ever dream of doing these things to him? Its not mildly abusive at all. Its absoloutly unacceptable abuse.
I normalised my partners behaivour for years and just accepted that i would be insulted every day. I got so used to being insulted that it was (is) just a part of life.
I got used to not committing to anything social because it could always be cancelled at the last minuite by him. I got used to not having friends because he didnt like them. Got used to not talking to family because he would make me miserable for talking to them. I was so isolated that i didnt speak to anyone but him and the kids for a year.
It was all just my normal life…but its not normal is it. You know in your heart its not normal. Like i did really for a lomg long time before i accepted it.
Type lundy bancroft free pdf into a search engine and you will recognise so much in his book ‘why do they do that’. It might help to see there is a pattern there. I still find it so hard to think the father of my children is abusive, (find it difficult to type those words…its a BIG statement..) but he is and yours is too. Keep a diary if you can i have one i have written in for a year when you read back things that have happened you be amazed at how much your putting up with. Really Good luck and best wishes X -
Thank u for responding. I know I wud tell anyone else saying that stuff to me that it was abuse, but for some reasons I keep going around in circles and feel convinced its me (especially now he is being approachable and OK) then I feel that he is cruel and enjoying moaning and putting me down. I really feel exhausted all the time and like I’m going insane… Earlier I was convinced that he is financially abusive but have now been made to feel its me :(. I’m sorry to hear that u went through insults and abuse for years, I am going to search the free pdf thank u x
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Hi, ilikechicken, you have jyst written my relationship down except fir the children bit. I no longer see much of mine due to how he treated them as children. I too get him slagging my family too Plus not visiting at family times. Christmas is a farce, i dread it every year and its really hit home this year that i am missing out on so much. My parents are elderly and one is end of life period. Not diagnosed but slipping away😞. I only get the c**p and criticism when the atmosphere gets too much, recently tho ive had such a terrible sense of foreboding, just waiting on the storm. We shouldn’t have to live like this, yet its not just a case of saying, ok we’re not working, its time to split, if it was that easy we’d have done it already.
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