31st July 2020 at 2:47 pm #111291BuddyParticipant
Hi all .. I have been to see my counsellor twice whom specialises in abuse / trauma bonding etc ..
told her all the good things in my marriage over the last (detail removed by moderator) and all the temper tantrums , throwing stuff , stonewalling etc ..
she is trying to get to the bottom of why the balance has tipped for me recently ( as I have stayed with him all these years ) happy enough with the good times outweighing the bad .
I don’t really have this answer .. I guess him throwing a (detail removed by moderator) across the room and my daughters dolls outside because she wouldn’t do her school work during lockdown maybe tipped it also the stark realisation of being off work together due to covid has made the cracks more noticeable !
I told her I have been on here and opened up to friends and I was shocked by everyone’s reaction about my circumstances ( even though he throws things sporadically ) I felt like maybe I have been condoning his behaviour all these years .
Her reply was woman’s aid is black and white , they don’t know your relationship inside out ! I disagree completley as you guys have been amazing to me but this has thrown a spanner in the works and caused my cognitive dissonance to be worse 😬
Any thoughts/ advice
31st July 2020 at 3:15 pm #111293iliketeaParticipant
Change counsellor? Seriously. I’m sure Lisa will come on to day that it’s not black and white at all. My IDVA said it wasn’t, she must know what’s she’s talking about surely? Honestly, it doesn’t sound like she’s the right counsellor. They can’t all be, and the good ones will
acknowledge that. I’d let her know your concerns and not go back. Xx
31st July 2020 at 4:31 pm #111303SleepyParticipant
You don’t need to know someone’s relationship inside out to be shocked by abusive behaviour! Change counsellor I would say. Mind you saying that I was uncertain about my counsellor the first few times, she said something which made me think she wasn’t any good but then I’ve made real progress with her help.
31st July 2020 at 8:36 pm #111317LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support, iliketea and Sleepy have given you really good support.
At women’s aid, we know it’s not all black and white and everyone’s situation can be different and often complicated. It sounds like it has been so difficult for you during lockdown, but you have made so much progress and realised that you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Take care and keep posting
31st July 2020 at 9:18 pm #111321BuddyParticipant
Thank u all .. this helps me .. just when you are emotionally vulnerable people’s words can be confusing .. I know things are not right but if someone gives me that glimpse of hope I am there 😬
A couple of weeks ago he played (detail removed by moderator) with his friend and I could smell w**d in my (detail removed by moderator) that evening .. o mentioned I could smell it and he laughed it off !
He doesn’t do this generally just his friend seems to have got a friend who can get it .. and given our stressful circumstances I am assuming it is a temptation for him !
(Detail removed by moderator) I said we have my friends (detail removed by moderator) ( just checking he will come as be a bit strange to everyone there if he isn’t there) he said (detail removed by moderator) ..( this is so out of character ) (detail removed by moderator) !!
Then I mentioned I could smell it (detail removed by moderator) .. he profusely denied it and (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t know what it actually smells like .. I told him (detail removed by moderator) .. I know he is lying and it has scared me how easy he can lie to me .. if he had just said yes, I had a bit I would have been fine with it !
I feel so lost as feel like he is making me feel crazy about the w**d thing .. that it’s all in my mind .. with everything else that is going on between us , it’s a head f**k .
He then locked himself (detail removed by moderator).. later I went up and told him the children are picking up on you being sarcastic to me and your attitude .. so maybe we should split up , I can find somewhere to rent when I am working more ( when pandemic eases) he walked out (detail removed by moderator) and went to bed 😬 another unresolved issue
31st July 2020 at 9:23 pm #111322
Is it worth asking your counsellor what she meant by “women’s aid is black and white”? It is a very odd thing for an abuse counsellor to say about an organisation that, in my experience, has never taken a judgemental position.
Yes, in cases of immediate physical harm, everyone will be screaming to leave. But on the whole we all understand that abuse is generally more nuanced. Sometimes (oftentimes) we’re not sure if it’s abuse at all. And in these times the opinions of others can be helpful.
To be frank, I agree that you should find another counsellor. Possibly it’s her style of counselling. Perhaps she’s a bit dominant, ‘I know best.’ Maybe she is indirectly trying to get you to accept that it is abuse.
Whatever the reason for the clash, it’s really not helpful to you right now to feel that even your counsellor is questioning your beliefs.
31st July 2020 at 9:30 pm #111324
I’d also say that anyone seeking counselling is already vulnerable. In the case of victims of abuse we are often crippled by self-doubt. It’s to be expected that we believe counsellors have all the answers and are possessed with great insight. But you’ll get good ones and bad ones. Some experienced in physical abuse but no idea how control works. And so on.
31st July 2020 at 11:06 pm #111336ChestnutParticipant
Hi Buddy, well done on starting the counselling you are a head of me. You mentioned the counsellor was trying to unlock with you what had tipped things for you now, it totally depends on the context of your conversation but maybe she meant it can appear black and white about abuse, as in you can say something happened and immediately most people would say that is not right (hence black and white) but when you are in it and living it it never seems that simple, you mentioned she specialises in trauma bonding etc I think maybe she is starting the unlocking that you mentioned rather than saying anything negative about woman’s aid. An abusive relationship when you are in it can feel far from black and white but sometimes when it comes down to it at the bare bones it is as it is wrong. Not sure if it helps but maybe that is where she is heading. Let us know how it goes I am thinking of signing up for some counselling but haven’t got there yet x
31st July 2020 at 11:45 pm #111343
You could be right and the ‘WA are black and white’ comment was misunderstood. So it may be useful for Buddy to ask what she meant.
From what I understand it’s a massive hurdle jumped actually getting one-to-one counselling so it could be a disaster pulling the plug so soon in. I think it would be reasonable and sensible for everyone to question where their counsellor stands on issues around abuse. At the very least you’d hope they were up to speed with current legislation and definitions.
My experience of (couples) counselling was damaging so I accept I’m probably talking out of my behind. I wouldn’t want anyone to be put off. But neither would I want anyone to come out feeling worse than when they went in.
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