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    • #34303
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      I don’t think I’ll see my counsellor after today’s session. I’ve been dreading today for some reason, and once I was there I just couldn’t relax, I felt like nothing I said made any sense.

      Mainly I feel like my counsellor challenges me a lot on my thoughts, feelings and perceptions of him. I realise that therapeutic challenges are common and healthy, but throughout the sessions I feel like I’ve been trying to prove why I feel and think as I do, rather than explore my feelings if that makes sense.

      When I mentioned his depression they asked me wasn’t it enough (as a reason for his behaviour), and what did I want exactly, at what point would an explanation be satisfying, and then asked me to give examples of why my feelings don’t seem acceptable (to him, and because of the relationship, to others). For some reason I felt so silly and proceeded to talk about an incident from my relationship but I felt really uncomfortable talking about it because by then I was doubting my own experience.

      I’m not trying to say it’s the counsellor’s fault, I just don’t think I could sit with my feelings comfortably enough. I think it’s just me. The thing is they said how he won’t be in control of himself, won’t be a good judge of his own character etc as he’s clinically depressed, and that just made me remember what his mum told me.

      Ever since then, and my friend giving me the tough love approach tonight (I know they care for me, I’m not knocking that), I just feel so stupid and like I really am crazy. I didn’t mean to message his parents and be insensitive about his condition, if that’s how it came across. I’m just so hurt and incredibly confused, and I felt desperate for some kind of an answer. I really hope I haven’t worsened anything.

      Then I think of him and in light of how I’m feeling, I feel sorry for him and want to throw myself at his feet and hold him, and say I’m sorry. Ahhh I’m crying now writing this, I’m just falling apart at the seams. This is exactly how it felt in the relationship…I’d get so upset, sometimes so angry at something he did, and mostly I’d end up feeling terrible for him and reducing what I felt, but maybe that’s right to do and maybe it isn’t depending on the context?

      Oh I don’t even know. I think I might just go to the GP now. I feel like I’m pissing so many people off, and I must seem or be crazy to his crowd given they’ve just gradually ignored me.

      My appetite has completely diminished again. Mum remarked tonight that my jeans are baggy on me; I’d already noticed this, at first I thought it was the cut of the jeans but they’re gaping at the sides. The last time I was this size was during a really rough patch with him in (year removed by moderator).

      I haven’t meant to ramble on, I just feel like I’m crumbling away and it’s frightening me.

    • #34306
      EeyoreNoMore
      Participant

      Hey hun, is your counsellor as specialist in DV? Sounds like they don’t really understand what you’ve been through and therefore are unable to provide you with the support you need. Also if you’re uncomfortable with the counsellor I’m not sure you’re going to achieve anything.

      Again, you are not to blame here. Can you speak to Women’s Aid and try and get a DV counsellor instead?

    • #34308
      Nova
      Participant

      ..Hi P, sounds very tough for you. It’s so difficult to voice the whole ‘big picture’, don’t despair, it is not you at all.
      It’s what happens to us all when we try to relay the abuse, I’m sure WA will support you. Your the most important person in all of this, give yourself a break! & some head space to think.

      Your feelings are so important, you are a woman who is looking for answers after having been through a extremely negative (to say the least)life changing experience.
      I find writing my feeling and thoughts down helps me focus on just a few points if I’m talking to a therapist.

      & the above post E suggests some good ideas, maybe worth a try? Recovery is Step by step.

      Big hugs
      Cx

    • #34313
      Herindoors
      Participant

      Hi there. I am not sure this is the right counsellor for you! If they are not trained in DV then they simply don’t understand how an abusive person’s mind works. It doesn’t matter if your ex has depression, that is still no excuse for his behaviour. It unfairly puts anyone with a mental health issue into the same bracket as an abuser!

      But….What your counsellor may be doing though is making you think through your reasons for believing he is abusive so that you come to the conclusion (that he is) yourself – and that’s really important. We can (and have!) had people around us throughout these relationships telling us his behaviour is abusive but we don’t believe it, we minimise it etc…and so its really important that we believe it was abuse and that we are not to blame for it. However is your counsellor is doing this it sounds like they are being a bit clumsy about it.

      You might need to give them one more go and see how you feel but trust your gut – and change counsellors if you need to.

      Good luck xx

    • #34332
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Hello everyone and thanks for your replies. <3

      I get the sense my counsellor is trained in person-centred therapy but she’s also a couples / marriage counsellor.

      I’ve decided to make an appointment with my GP and ask about medication alongside another form of therapy. It would have been preferable to avoid medication but I don’t feel like I can cope.

      Feeling like I’m coming off unstable to his family (particularly as I’m aware he’s used my mental state to excuse lying to me in the past) makes me feel really vulnerable. You’re right Cuppa, I just wanted some kind of answer or some semblance of understanding because being kept in the dark was / is pretty unbearable.

      Tomorrow morning I’ll make the appointment xx

    • #34343
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Hi P, I actually had a similar counsellor through women’s aid. I think she was doing as herindoors suggests and trying to get me to believe in my own experience of what happened and stop minimising, but I think she may have lacked experience. I think she underestimated my levels of trauma and anxiety. I was so far off being ready to handle this approach. My counsellor from rape crisis however was way more gentle and sensitive to my trauma. She had a very calm, unassuming manner which made me feel very safe and enabled me to progress much quicker. I think it was a combination of the timing and the approach which were right for me. Looking back, though I learned a lot, I think I persevered through doubts about my first counsellor way longer than was healthy, I felt confused and frightened just like with my ex. What you need more than ever is to feel safe and validated. I would consider what alternatives are available. You could always talk to your current one about how the session made you feel if you feel safe to, her reaction will tell you a lot. If you don’t feel safe to do this that is probably your answer. This should be an opportunity to experience a healthy relationship, it needs to be right. Good luck x*x

      • #34381
        phantasmagorical
        Participant

        Hello Peaceful Pig, what you’ve said helpful in realising that the particular approach might not be right for me at this time. I haven’t felt confident enough to discuss the impact of the sessions with the counsellor. Last time I tried going into how the counselling was making me feel afraid / vulnerable but I ended up derailing myself, I’m just not comfortable.

        Hey Cuppa, like you I’ve been discussing my anxiety and low mood to doctors for the past few years, but I couldn’t or didn’t really want to see that a major factor was my relationship with him. I have only discussed the relationship with a doctor once before and he was quite firm in telling me that I wasn’t psychologically robust and urged me to seek help. I didn’t appreciate the severity of his words then, in fact I worried I’d just over reacted! Xx

    • #34363
      Nova
      Participant

      …hi to all…I remember years ago I went to 2 different counsellors as I’d described my anxiety & I thought it was me …No one suggested domestic abuse, I sat through those sessions and described my life with him, one mentioned co- dependent, putting the emphasis on me, like I was the one with the major issues, I went back into an abusive situation because of that. I thought OMG it’s me, just get a grip and be more understanding,nicer,a better partner,forgiving, understand him!! While he was tightening his abusive grip on me & my life, all at my expense.People around me were unsupportive and NOT listening to me, fobbing me off, making me more confused and telling me what a good guy he was and that we were so good together! Talk about messing with my mind! I understand P! It makes our heads spin all this conflicting messages and approaches & we are the ones dealing with the abusers!

      I hope you get someone who gets it! An understanding professional who knows what they’re talking about.. we all need quality advice & support!

      Hugs x

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