Counselling what are your thoughts ?

[Bubblegum]

Hi Ladies .Ive very recently started counselling.I have been on my own with my kids for number years now .I have come along way to a certain point but on other hand I feel stuck to a point still frightened to move on .My safety net is just me and my kids without letting anyone else in .The years are just passing by but having thoughts now I wish on times my life was different .Ive done freedom programme and course through women’s aid positive thinking .When I Had first session I felt so vulnerable afterwards the following day after the session I was very emotional exhausted is that normal ? Just wanted to hear from other ladies if they have found counselling any good for them or not ? Or any other types to get out of this stuck cycle ? Apart from counselling the only other route is medication but for me I feel it won’t get to the root of my fears x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there Bubblegum,

I’ve come away with very strong reactions from counselling, one of the first sessions I had really opened my eyes as my therapist told me that I had suffered not only abuse but a great loss. I came away from that session completely grief-stricken and cried for hours until I fell asleep. But that was the first time I cried because I knew the relationship was over if that makes sense. Other times I’ve come away feeling completely drained and barely been able to even come on here to have a read through. And yet other times I’ve come away wanting a new therapist as some things were too traumatising for me. In my last session, I was called out on how I avoid eye contact. I don’t look anyone in the eye if I can avoid it. My ex used to have me look into his eyes for hours while he would be talking about his day in detail. I was required to hold eye contact – even if he looked away from me, I would still need to be looking at him. I once got a text from my mother during one of these “sessions” and looked away, only for a second, and all hell broke loose. The names I were called are too despicable to mention on here, I was broken up with and was threatened with abandonment, he threatened suicide, it was horrendous. And it all served to make sure that I would look at him whenever he demanded. When I told this to my therapist he said I should be allowed to have this boundary for a while of avoiding eye contact, it was my body’s way of telling me it needs to feel in control again, but that at some point we will need to work on me being able to look at people again. Perhaps counselling can help you feel safe again so that you can let people in again, make friends etc. It was a very hard session for me, but in some ways I feel it’s the hardest sessions, the ones that indeed leave us emotionally exhausted that also helps the most. I wouldn’t say I am out of feeling stuck, but I think I would be much more stuck if I stopped therapy or had never attended therapy. Like you, I just don’t think medication alone would help me, the trauma would still be there.

I hope counselling will do you good but don’t be afraid to change therapist if it doesn’t feel like a good fit x This is about getting you what you need, it’s okay to “shop around” x

[fizzylem]

Yes it usually always feels worse before it gets better, but should also feel manageable, it is def emotionally tiring for a bit, but that will change, you need to process how you feel about it all first, it is also a process where we gain in self awareness (gain growth), you should always feel supported by the therapist though throughout and only go where you want to go. You are there to work through your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and you’ve mentioned fear, so the goal will be to feel ok in the world again, not be fearful hey, meaning an adjustment needs to take place.

You’ve spent a long time trying to keep safe by not introducing anyone into the fold but can see how this is perhaps only really a temporary position, feeling free from all this is to also feel confident when making decisions that involve introducing others – only then will you feel free and ok, as you will trust yourself to make sound decisions for you and the children, so there is less need for worry as you know you will act if needed.

There’s always the fear of being hoodwinked isn’t there, we can trust our own decisions and to act when red flags appear though, and they do appear, use what happened to you to inform how you choose a new friend or partner in the future; pertty sure that when you look back on the abusive relationship, you will be able to see the red flags now – things you chose to glide over, things that left you feeling uncomfortable but like most of us, at that time you didnt know what to do about it or you let it go and moved forwards with him anyway – this is common – we tell ourselves we let things slide for love.

There were also probably many parts of you that he exploited, it is very helpful to know what parts, to work through this and feel differently / better about this, have this self awareness, so it doesn’t happen again. Could be you had issues related to feeling abandoned, or he treated you in a similar way to your family, so you belived this is your place in the world? Will be personal to you whatever these vulnerabilities are.

For example, I used to try and take care of everyone and everything, can now see that a relationship needs to be equal, that while I was busy trying to sort it all, he was doing nothing, infact he only criticised me for it as well – left me feeling totally unappreciated and for a time, believing I need to do more. I was meeting his needs without a thought for my own at all, and of course he let me keep on doing that! I burned out eventually, and because I operated this way (trying to fix it all) it only prolongued the abuse – won’t happen again. We use what we learn about the self to inform what we are looking for in our new relationships. Prior to the abuse I always assumed goodwill in others, that we are all just trying to do our best, I’ve now learnt that some people will always try and take what they can get – I can spot these folk now though and rather than go along with things I will say no x

Keep going, the key to making therapy a success is to be open and honest and discuss exactly how it leaves you feeling with therapist, so you can work through whatever it is together.

[Butterflyboo]

I’d strongly recommend counselling, I’ve recently started having counselling 2 years down the line from leaving my abuser. Sometimes what I feel is all mashed up and tangled up in my head and I can’t see it clearly or make sense of it. Counselling is really helping to untangle it which can only help me in the future feel less confused. I won’t deny it’s hard, and sometimes I feel exhausted going through the emotional stuff that I usually keep shut away, but short term pain long term gain and all of that x

[Bubblegum]

Thank you ladies for your reply’s I really do appreciate your feedback .Have Not Had a good day today at all feeling very overwhelmed so much everyday tasking home kids to do .Doing everything myself .Feeling angry dealing loss of a loved one passed away suddenly recently as well .So feeling angry just needing time out but can’t feeling like emotionally I’m unraveling inside so tired of feeling pain x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Bubblegum

I would say it’s completely normal to feel very vulnerable indeed when you start to share your experiences or anything personal with a stranger.

Take your time, it’s so important to go at your pace so you feel safe whilst doing this.

I think posting on here, or sharing with anyone can elicit the same feeling.

It can be quite sickening and feeling exposing starting to open up about what’s been happening.

Take baby steps to start with, it’s often a lot slower and more difficult at the start, just to start trusting and opening up, or even start being able to take a look at it all.

Warmest wishes

TS

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