Couples Counselling – first session

[dancing in the rain]

Hi all,
I know I said I wasn’t going to do couples counselling because of the warning I’ve read on here but I relented, partly because I wanted to show I was trying to improve things. We went to Relate and felt that I was fore armed thanks to all the comments here.
WE had to fill in separate forms before the meeting, one of which asked whether violence/abuse was an issue in the relationship….obviously I said yes.
In the meeting I got the impression that the counsellor understood where I was. When my husband answered some of the questions she asked was he insecure, which he agreed, and then was his issue with me doing things on my own about possession, which he denied but he admitted that he wouldn’t be happy with me going away on my own but he wouldn’t stop me….. I explained that the few times that I have gone away on my own has resulted in such bad atmosphere and suling from him that I have decided its not worth doing it. She also said that fear can be an issue and I told her I was scared to do the things I want to.
I was quite restrained in terms of what I said and my husband was a lot more outgoing.
He suggested we went out for a meal with our daughter after the session because he needed a beer, which was ok.
The following morning he came into my bedroom about 7.30 and said he wanted a cuddle. I agreed. He never normally wants a cuddle if its initiated by me….. It was fine to start with but then he said that the pains in his chest were better now that he was having a cuddle… (obligation/guilt?) Then he lay on top of m which I wasn’t comfortable with but said nothing. Then he tried to kiss me which I avoided. He said that the meeting with relate had made things worse and he wasn’t sure how he was going to cope with what was needed to save our marriage.
I still care for him and I don’t want him to suffer but I can’t keep denying my own feelings so that he is happy some of the time….
Today I’m mostly feeling sad that we could have had a happy and “normal” relationship but because of his insecurities and paranoia we have ended up here.

[KIP.]

It’s not because of his insecurities and paranoia. It’s because he is a domestic abuser who chooses to abuse you. Lots of people have insecurities and paranoia but they do not choose to abuse the person they’re supposed to love. This is the kind of thing a good domestic abuse counsellor would be telling you. Couples counselling won’t work and is fogging the issue. His chest pains? Where was his sympathy for your chest pains. ‘Fear can be an issue’. Is she kidding? Fear is always an issue. Nobody should every fear their partner. Huge red flag, I’d advise you to get to women’s aid and save your money.

[dancing in the rain]

Thank you KIP! He’s being all nice now, making coffee for me in the mornings, taking me out for dinner, wanting cuddles….. just like I’ve read in posts on this forum, it’s so predictable, as is the way it makes me feel FOG.

I have had two sessions of individual counselling and what seems to be coming out is that I need to focus more on my own feelings and desires and less on his. I shouldn’t see him as my responsibility…. whatever I try to do for him will never be enough.

[KIP.]

Yes, they make themselves our responsibility by their behaviour. Our needs are always ignored by them and eventually by ourselves because when we put our needs first, the abuse and coercive control raises. So our sense of self slowly erodes. The trust has gone now. Even when he is being nice you will be thinking ‘what does he want’. You can be the most perfect partner that ever existed. It won’t be enough for him. He will change the goal posts or simply abuse you because you’re perfect. It’s difficult when they’re being nice to us but all he is doing is what a loving partner should be doing. He gets no extra brownie points for that. Our thought process gets twisted by abuse x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi dancingintherain, I too tried couples counselling against my better judgement. Yes it was as bad as I thought it would be. He found the counsellor himself, booked him and went on his own to the first session, I gave him a letter to give to the counsellor. Was very aware that they could both end up abusing me. Of the sessions I went with him all of then ended up in him verbally assaulting me so much that I contacted the counsellor, first by phone, then email. The content was so bad that he contacted me on the advice of his boss to make sure I was okay. Driving to the sessions were just as bad, silent treatment,being told it was a waste of time,(he wasn’t getting anything out of it, which really meant i wasn’t going back to him)he couldn’t afford it, yet spent more weekly online. Then the tears would follow, the realisation of how much he’s hurt me, he’ll do anything to win me back. That phrase was enough for it to ring alarm bells fir the counsellor. He noted he’d do anything,say anything to win me back,not that he’d do anything to make me happy. Have you looked up the cycle of abuse. You do sound as if he’s in the honeymoon phase. He’s pushing fir intimacy to measure himself feel better, not listening to what you want or need. Mine did the same. In his eyes having sex meant I’d forgiven him, that he could go back to behaving how he always did. Usually after sex, not always straight away, I’d be told how much I loved it, or berated fir just lying there. I’m so glad I don’t have to do that anymore, I left him 6 months plus ago. I am getting so much stronger emotionally when I have nothing to do with him. I do see him, it’s not as a way back, it’s only until i am totally able to break ties with him. It’s funny, I never thought there would come a day when I didn’t love him or even really care about him anymore. All I see now is a pathetic bully of a man, who no longer has the power to scare me.
Keep reading as much as you can on thi, you’ll see how he does try everything in the book, and when he knows you’re on to him, how he’ll change tactics. I’ve not heard of one of them changing, not one. I’m neither willing or want to try to give it another go. I’m done with it.
Take care and stay strong
IWMB 💞💞

[dancing in the rain]

Thank you both! I am definitely going through the process of revelation and I’m so thankful to you all for showing me the light. I can’t imagine ever wanting to go back to the way we were, and the more I understand the less I love him. Although I do feel sad about the loss of what could have been and how unnecessary it all is xx

[maddog]

Went to couples counselling for years. Round and round in circles we went. I hadn’t clocked that the problems in our relationship were because I was empathetic and co-dependent and that he was an abuser.

Abusers don’t use counselling to make the relationship better. They use it to collect data. Only if you are prepared for everything you divulge during the sessions to be used against you is it a good idea. Abusers are masters of deceit and we fall in love with the false image.

Counselling will also give them tools on how to behave more appropriately when they need to. Every step of the way they will be using you as fuel and nothing you do is going to change it.

My ex is lashing out at people in public. I have no idea if he’s had further rumblings with the police. Quite possibly.

[Author]

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