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    • #100813
      Lemmy
      Participant

      Covid 19 means I’m trapped and isolated in an environment that is controlled by my partner. It is difficult anyway and as we start week 4 it is torturous. I keep a diary, I wish my friends and family would phone me up more often. Even having someone on the phone can change the environment a bit. Behind closed doors it is clear that he has no moral stop in his behaviour. We ( my son and I) can have a happy time with him, but when my partner gets frustrated, anxious , paranoid, angry we don’t know how bad it’s going to get or when it’s going to stop. It’s always my fault for winding him up, if I resist or contradict him I am escalating the situation.
      Covid 19 compounds how hard it is to live with this: meaning I don’t want to bail out ( emotionally) and not be there for my son, i don’t know how I should keep silent or passive in random situations that provoke his ire . If I say something to bring a reality to the situation like why don’t you do this and be part of the solution rather than make the problem worse.., I can hear him stopped and thinking. He has a choice after all… but his choice is always to come out on top. Inside he is scrapping, fighting triggered and paranoid. It’s not easy for us to go out for a walk when the situation starts winding up to something heavier. Is it nice guy then just enough nasty to keep control? Sometimes I break out: do something spontaneous and funny to make my son laugh : dancing to music , singing a song really badly, making something interesting or unexpected. And I can feel him deciding whether to approve or not. (!!!) I think if he feels threatened he takes control by having a tantrum about anything really. Today I’m going to suggest we all 3 go for a bike ride OUTSIDE. I will walk away from any shouting. I’m going to make an effort to stop looking washed out and exhausted, say affirmations to counter a freight load of underhand remarks. And do things that change our environment a bit. I think that he will sabotage any changes I try just to keep it good and miserable. He is the king of miserable and we are his subjects: long live the revolution. I don’t mean to sound flippant. I just can’t do anymore: behave 24/7.

    • #100849
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hi L, sounds tough and that you’re doing well at times in this difficult situation, of course there will be times when you feel less so too of course. Could you say to family and friends it would be good to hear from them more often? Or better still, pick up the phone when you feel you’d like to hear from them?

      It’s a lovely day outside today, the perfect day for a bike ride; I would try to do as many things as you can without though, you know he will only try to spoil it, whatever it is. Imagine you and your son would have a much nicer time without him.

      You sound like such a cheerful soul – shame he continually tries to crush that in you isn’t it; imagine you’d be a real joy to be around – without him x

    • #100856
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi Lemmy, your outlook on life is what will get you through this. It might not seem like it while you’re in the middle of this warzone, but it will. Go fir your bike rides,with or without him. Phone those you are waiting on phoning you. I can just hear my ex saying see noone cares. But they do, cos I’m in refuge accommodation and ive got lots of people phoning me, face timing me, as I do them as ive noone going in a strop when I give someone else my time. I can bear being by myself because I know ìm no longer alone. You can get out of that relationship, start collecting relevant documents and paperwork, joint accounts, his NI number, copy of last wage slip if possible. Keep posting. We are here fir you.
      IWMB 💞💞

    • #100881
      Lemmy
      Participant

      Thankyou fizzy and Iwyb, it really helps to be in touch
      I hit a wall today jus exhaustion and stress of it . I was so tired my skin was sore, I couldn’t stop crying and I looked like at least 102. I slept all morning and asked for help in the afternoon and realised that it’s like grief. Mourning your freedom, your life, your possibility for escape. Your try to do stuff to survive the lockdown then bam reality . How do I, and all of us like me, keep resilient : everyday life dodging bullets , I mean how to respond without putting yrself in the firing line. Then keep myself healthy body mind and spirit . Also when he is manipulating my son to turn against me : how do I counter that ? I think that is the most heart breaking ….. And while I’m locked in what can I do to prep for leaving?

    • #100884
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Look up the stages of grief, they are the exact same we have when the realisation of abuse hits us. I spent months on the couch with a blanket over my head when I first admitted to myself my husband was abusive, that he chose to be like that. Ive yet to hit anger🙄
      Every day you’ll get stronger and stronger the more you see and learn about his behaviour
      Stay safe
      IWMB 💞💞

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