Cripplingly low self-esteem is sabotaging my new relationship

[gettingtired]

I left my abuser earlier this year and have since started a relationship with someone new. He’s everything my ex was not; kind, caring, reliable, patient, generally a good person. He has been very honest to me about his feelings for me and is very much in love with me. The feeling is mutual but sadly I feel I have begun to self-sabotage our relationship..

My ex used to tell me people only leave relationships because they’ve met someone new, planting a toxic seed of doubt in my mind so I was always anxious that he was waiting to meet someone new before he kicked me to the curb. I was full of anxiety during the relationship; there were incidents of him messaging other women behind my back (but gaslighting me about it and blaming me for going through his phone) and I know he obsessively went through some women’s social media accounts regularly. Which in turn made me obsess over social media and what he was up to behind my back. I always felt very insecure but he would accuse me of hating other women and not letting him have female friends.

Fast forward to now and my new partner is great which also means he’s popular with women. He admitted before we got together that he’s a bit flirty but that it doesn’t mean anything and he’s a very committed partner and doesn’t play women. We used to work together and female colleagues were always drawn to him which made me feel uncomfortable because of my low self-esteem. I also felt some women were cold towards me, it felt like they were jealous he was with me because they liked him. He’s told me I need to have faith in him and realise that even if others were to ‘try it on’ so to speak, then I should be able to trust that he would be faithful as he cares so much about me and wants to be with me, not anyone else. He reassures me all the time and tells me how much he loves and cares about me but it just never seems to be enough. I think he’s a bit hurt that I still don’t trust him but understands it takes time. The problem is, when I’m feeling particularly low I can even start feeling suspicious of him saying nice, kind things and complimenting me. It’s bizarre?
I was brave and set some boundaries (something I’ve always felt uncomfortable doing especially as my ex trampled all over them) around social media to my new partner as to what I won’t tolerate due to my ex’s sneakiness. He reassured me that I won’t need to worry about that with him but I still struggle to believe it won’t ever be a problem in the future due to my bad past experiences..

Just to clarify, he knows the general jist of what happened with my ex and how I had to get the police involved towards the end. He’s told me there’s no excuse for my ex’s behaviour towards me but that it’s my choice if I want to take things further (eg. Non mol order) so he has been very supportive despite my ex’s continuous harassment which has obviously affected our relationship a bit.
I know in an ideal world I would have spent time after the abusive relationship to ‘work on myself’ before meeting someone new but it hasn’t worked out like that. I desperately want to feel secure and have a ‘normal’ relationship and have actually met a good guy who I feel more for than I ever felt with my ex. Now I feel I’m going to sabotage the relationship and push him away, it’s like I’m looking for things so that I can say “I knew I was right, I knew I would end up hurt by you”. My ex destroyed my trust in men, years ago I caught my own Dad texting another women despite him being married, I was also sexually assaulted by a man as a child (it wasn’t as bad as others have endured but I know it was the start of my mental health decline) so I struggle to trust them even though I know there are good ones out there. I have therapy but I even get paranoid sometimes that my therapist doesn’t want me as a client or that they think I’m just moaning.

I don’t know if anyone else has dealt with these feelings of cripplingly low self esteem? I don’t know how I can self-soothe or make myself feel better. I don’t want to rely on someone else to validate me or boost my self-esteem but I feel like I’ll never find that within myself or that I’ll never trust again.
I always remember even from a young age never feeling as worthy as my school peers.
I have read about attachment styles and believe mine is the ‘fearful avoidant’ style which seems to be the worst as it means you crave emotional closeness in relationships but also push people away as you struggle to trust them. When I begin to feel low and start conjuring up stories of how my partner might be unfaithful in my head, I push him away which isn’t fair as he hasn’t even done anything and he’s not my ex! I don’t want to push people away but it’s like I can’t react any other way. I know it sounds dramatic but I’ve even thought maybe I’m better off just staying alone forever where I can never be hurt but I really want to be in this relationship.
I guess a lot of this just shows the long-term damage abusive relationships can do.. I’m wondering if I’m too ‘damaged goods’ for anyone now though?
A family member told me I need to work on my confidence and hide these jealous feelings as no one wants a clingy, needy partner and that I will drive people away.
Would really appreciate anyone’s thoughts and I hope my post doesn’t sound too self-obsessive, I’m just really struggling to trust anyone/feel worthy 🙁 x

[Starting-again]

Hi gettingtired,

I relate to everything you have said so much, there is nothing self obsessed about it, I think everything you are saying is rational when you have come from a relationship like that.

I wish I had some helpful advice for you, sadly I dont as I can’t face dating yet, but I couldn’t not respond.
I think it’s just going to take time, your new partner sounds like he’s very understanding though. Move at your own speed.
Sending love to you xx

[Camel]

Hi Gettingtired,

I think you have great insight. You know you haven’t given yourself any space to recover and rebuild. It’s a shame that you’ve replaced one kind of trauma for another. It must be exhausting.

Do you think that things have progressed rather quickly with your new man? I agree he sounds like one of the good guys and he was there for you as soon as you became free. It’s understandable that you want this to work out but is there any rush? It’s quite soon to be talking about love and forever, especially if you’ve always felt jealous of other women’s attention and especially if you feel unworthy. Nothing he says or does can allay your fears that he’ll cheat on you eventually. You’ve been through so much but you’re still beating yourself up. It’s trite but true, you need to love yourself first. You don’t need to hide your true self or become what you think he wants you to be. Isn’t that how we end up with controlling abusers? Perhaps you could take that time you know you need for yourself, find out what makes you happy outside of a relationship? It doesn’t mean ending it, it means stopping to breathe. x

[Hereforhelp]

I can relate to this as I entered a new relationship after leaving my above husband.. It became obvious to me that I was looking and waiting to be let down.. then I did Pattern Change (Bill of Rights) and it helped me a lot. I put my new relationship on hold and my new partner understood and didn’t put any pressure on me or ask more from me.
Fast forward a year and I feel very different as I have worked on myself (whilst in the new relationship), I have also been out on local meetups without my partner and that has helped my confidence so much as I am finding out who I am now, the woman I am now after 20 odd years of Domestic Abuse (with all the ugly trimmings!)..
There’s no rush, your new partner is supportive so whatever you decide to do or not do he will support you.. you can build your self esteem back up lovely, it does take time and it takes being honest with yourself. You say your new partner supports you so there’s no hurry
❤️ HFH

[terribleheadspace]

Hopefully if your new partner is understanding you can get through this together, hopefully he will be patient.
I think as someone who has been cheated on in the past what I learnt is that you cannot stop someone who is going to cheat and it has nothing to do with you as a person but that particular individual. I think we can distinguish between gut instinct and insecurity quite well.
Maybe have a look at the situation and think… is this my anxiety or is it something that noone would be happy with. Or even confide in a friend maybe a trusted one who can help you talk through your feelings, sometimes it just helps to unravel things.
That being said again listen to your gut, it’s going to take a lot of healing and time, is he being patient and respectful? That is the main thing patience I think. Someone who really cares will not push you, remember actions not words thats the main thing.
I wish you well in your new relationship.

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi gettingtired,

It’s normal to feel this way after being subjected to abuse, I guess it’s almost like a fight or flight response because our bodies really don’t want what’s happened in the past to repeat itself, and on top of that after being told and ‘shown’ that we’re unworthy repeatedly, that’s always going to have an affect. I’ve been in 3 abusive relationships to date (hadn’t quite realised that till the last one opened my eyes to what I was enduring) and I can relate with the cripplingly low self esteem issues.

The thing is though is that, the outcome of this relationship is not dictated by any other previous events that have happened in your life. It’s like reading a new book but being worried about the disappointment of the ending before you’ve even started, because in the last one you read, the main character died at the end. But I also completely get it because despite knowing this, it’s almost like it’s programmed into us and it can’t be helped. The problem is, is that your new partner doesn’t deserve to be punished either – so I think like what you’re already doing with open communication is key.

My suggestion would be to try counselling – I did this earlier this year and it helped so much. I’d suggest speaking to your doctor and asking for them to either refer you, or send you links to organisations in the area that you can sign up to (that’s what I did). The waiting list was long but it was worth it. And don’t opt for online CBT (unless you feel it would benefit) – try and push for face to face. I’ve done both and the latter was much better.

The other thing that’s helped me is anti depressants. It’s had a major impact on my feelings both about myself and how I feel generally in day to day life. It may not be for you, but it’s worth talking through options with a mental health professional /your doctor if you think it could benefit.

I’ve also tried switching my mindset when it comes to dating. So I haven’t been ready to date for long while and have only recently started opening myself up to it, and what I tell myself is this: I’m not trying to impress them, they’re trying to impress me. What do they have to offer me?
I feel like this has actually really helped in a weird way because, it suddenly puts me at the top of my own pedestal, instead of me questioning what I have to offer them. Switch the dynamics.

I hope this helps lovely. I know it doesn’t mean much if you don’t believe it yourself, but you’re worthy of love, compassion and a peaceful and happy life. Sending love x

[GoldenFish]

Hi getting tired,

I believe for a healthy relationship one needs to enter it with self-respect and self-esteem. It is the lack of self-esteem that sits at the foundation of abusive relationships and afterwards it takes a long time to re-build yourself. Are you ready? (detailed removed by Moderator) and cannot comment on whether your partner is supportive either. Myself would be suspicious of too much reassurance in the early days. Give yourself the space you need which will also test the strengh of your relationship. Be open to the possibility of not working out and that would be for the better. You don’t have to be alone forever but know that not any relationship is better than no relationship.

[driedflowers]

Hi gettingtired,

I relate to what you are going through. I have been out longer but recently started a new relationship where the guy is also great and very keen after a short time of knowing each other. It’s hard because at one level you want to enjoy it, and at another you’re worried about love-bombing. Then there are all of the inevitable triggers that you didn’t even know about until they raise their ugly heads.

I have found that a couple of things have been helpful. The first is that you make sure you have good chunks of time to yourself during the week to process what you are feeling and rationalize. This will prevent you from acting out in your relationship, which may make you feel more codependent and/or worse that he has seen your self-esteem issue. It will also allow you to continue processing your past relationship, i.e. why is this bothering me, what happened in the past, etc. Use your CBT technique: what is the evidence, is my response to this event or something else. Also, talking to friends regarding your concerns can be a good reality check as to whether behaviour is normal/concerning or not. I don’t think that your family member’s advice is helpful; as with other things, if you feel that a person doesn’t grasp the whole situation (your trauma, new relationship, how they can build you up to thrive) then it’s best to avoid asking them for advice (always vulnerable).

All the things you can do to keep on with your healing process (therapy, exercise, etc) you should keep doing. Doing some other group activities without him – with friends or making new friends – will also help.

Online advice says something to the effect of your brain re-learning that you’re safe. It is difficult but as you move through these triggers and rationalize the situation then you will learn that you are safe with your new partner. With that said, trust is earned, so he also needs to prove himself to you I think, based on his actions not his words. One challenge and sad thing I have found in my own situation is that I struggle to believe my new partner’s words (e.g. saying he loves me) because my ex used that to keep me trapped. So now I am more invested in actions. It seems like this could be the same in your case – is he actually staying off social media, are these women actually being cold to you, etc. Also, don’t gaslight yourself into thinking that any concern you have is a response to the previous situation; I did this when I tried to date someone previously and it turned out that there was indeed some cause for concern which I ignored (“I’m just traumatized and reading too much into things”).

One advantage of taking time out is that you know you can live a happy life on your own, or at least that you can live in a fulfilling way and survive without a partner. So in your situation it’s difficult because you kind of skipped over that part. Maybe you can try some affirmations or something: keep reminding yourself that you got through this hard thing, and that you can get through anything. This guy seems great but if it doesn’t work out then you will survive and you can still live a happy life. Love yourself first and then love him (or not).

Hope this is helpful.

Hugs! I know it is complicated and hard

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