Crisis! Am I doing the right thing?

[Freedomfighter]

Hi,
Sorry I’m having a bit of a meltdown. Probably just panic because leaving date is getting closer and being stressed with all the things I have to do, but… I’m really struggling with justifying my learning.
Our 2 adult sons still live at home, neither are in a position to leave themselves. When (if) I leave they will be the ones taking the brunt of husband’s wrath. Drowning in guilt here that I’m being selfish wanting my freedom from decades of being controlled, coerced and abused but at what cost? My sons will be paying the price! I’ve tried to leave so many times, but always stayed because of them. Now it’s happening again. They’re both in their (detail removed by Moderator) now, but I still can’t bring myself to make them suffer his abuse because I want my freedom. Any advice?

[Freedomfighter]

Ps I have been trying the helplines, they’re just busy right now.

[Janedoeissad]

I think you need to put yourself first. If you got out. Your sons could come with you, if they choose to, once you are set up somewhere new. So think of their situation as temporary. Can you think of anywhere they could go if they had to leave? Have you been in touch with your housing dept to see if accommodation could be found for them IF things got bad for them?

Its your time now. You need to do this. If it isn’t the boys stopping you there will be something else which stops you. I thought the same things as I was getting closer to leaving day, although I have no children.

Sorry, I hope I’ve been helpful.

[cupcakes]

Hi – can your two sons go with you?

I know how hard it is to leave it took me years to find the strength to leave as my children are still only little, life is still hard however it is 100 times better than it was.

Speak to women’s aid – they helped me so much

[Janedoeissad]

One more thing. I’ve put IF they want out as by the sounds of it you don’t know their feelings on the matter.

They may WANT to stay with their Dad. They are adults now. They have the freedom of choice.

All you can do is offer an alternative if they would like to remain with you. You can sort that out after you are gone.

Do your lads have friends they could go to temporarily? At (detail removed by Moderator) I had friends who would have put me up for a couple of days/weeks.

Don’t let this stop you. There is always a solution

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks ladies,
Janedoeissad, my younger son knows I’m planning to leave and I asked him if he wanted to come with me (he suffers from depression and a problem with his digestive system. He’s lost a huge amount of weight and has had lots of tests done. He also suffers abuse from his father). At first he said yes, but now says he doesn’t mind staying or coming with me. The eldest and my husband I told months ago I wanted to leave. My husband replaced the broken window panels, filled in a few cracks in the plaster and washed a bowl of pots most days, but totally denies his lies, control, manipulation etc. He says it’s all in my head. I tried talking to my eldest son but he believed his dads lies. Because of this I can’t risk telling him I’m still thinking of leaving. If he tells his dad I will have to endure weeks of hoovering and coercion through guilt. When that doesn’t work he’ll progress to abuse. I’ve been through it so many times before. I haven’t got the strength left to handle that. I am looking at 2bedroomed places, but can’t afford 3 even with financial support. He has pets too which most rented places round here don’t allow. I know I need to leave for me, but I’m afraid I’ll worry about them both. My younger son will be coerced into taking my place as house slave! Hence the guilt.
Cupcake, thanks for your reply and well done for escaping. I’m working with women’s aid thanks. I don’t think I’d have gotten this far without them. I was doing great while I thought my younger son was coming with me. Now he’s having doubts himself, I’m having a panic. He keeps to his room and interacts with the world via his computer, apart from his part-time job and coming down for food. I told him he would have to pay for broadband as I didn’t know if I could afford it. I don’t know if that’s why he changed his mind or if it’s because I can rent a one bedroom flat for less and he’s trying to make it easier for me. He supports me in going and says he doesn’t know how I’ve stuck it so long.
I’ve tried talking to him but he’s noncommittal about it. I know he’s not saying something, but he’s not opening up. All I can do is rent a 2 bedroom home and pray he decides to join me. Trouble is it’s making me question whether leaving is the best. I was leaving as much for him as me, probably more. I’ve always struggled to put ME first, after decades of abuse it’s impossible 😊

[LizSKY]

Hi freedomfighter,

This is my constant battle too, ‘is it for the best?’.

You have had to put up with the abuse, you have worked at putting your leaving plan together and now you need to do what’s best for you.

It goes without saying that you will worry about your sons but as you say they are adults and you can give them the options to make thier choice once you have finalised what you are going to do.

Don’t let this opportunity to get out pass, you need to look after you. Everything will fall into place once you are sorted. Good luck

[iwillbeok]

Hi Freedomfighter,

One analogy that someone gave me (& which i hung onto in the early days of freedom and even now often remind myself) is that of the oxygen mask demonstration when flying. Passengers are warned to fit their “own masks *before* assisting children and others.” This is because we can’t help others, if we are passed out from lack of oxygen. We need to look after ourselves before we can look after others. This can feel very alien when we have been conditioned for so long that we don’t deserve it, and are supposed to put our abusers first.

Fit your oxygen mask first, Freedomfighter, then you will be in a better position to help your boys.

Wishing you all the strength you need to get free! And more again to stay free. It is so worth it!

Xx iwillbeok

[fridges]

Dear freedomfighter!
As a daughter of my mum, who put so much with stepfather, the only one wish, my mum could have done, is to leave my stepfather. This way she would have set for me the example that abuse is not ok! It is not ok to be controlled, abused verbally, physically and sexually and domestically. No matter when she would have done it. It would be for me as a healthy example of life. Without me realising I took my mums approach, I would suffer in silence, no matter how bad it was going. Do not doubt yourself, is better late, than never!
You are so close to stop this, and with your example, kids with time understand, that it is not ok to be abused! You give them the valuable lesson in life with your own behaviour. Better to be in a tiny place, with very little money. But trust me, even with this you will slowly will build your life. With time it will get better!

[Freedomfighter]

Thank you I willibeok, that really helps. Hopefully I can start building my strength and confidence back for this last push. Sounds stupid, but I’d just run out of steam knowing my son wasn’t 100% sure he wanted to leave with me. It’s actually easier for me to go first and will save having to keep my emotions locked away until he’s safely in his room. I’m afraid I’ve taught my sons to keep their emotions locked away by example! I tried to protect them from what was going on. I would busy myself to hide my tears, then when I’d pulled myself together I’d do something fun with them to forget my problems and give them a happy childhood.
We do whatever it takes, don’t we.

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Fridges, so sorry that you had to go through abuse twice. Your encouraging words will spur me on to set a good, strong example for my sons. I just hope they will understand and forgive me.

[godschild]

I’m sure you are doing right, your younger son has had the option to join you, worst case scenario if it gets too much for him maybe a sofa bed temporariy so he can stay with you, get yourself out first and go from there

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Godschild,
It really helps to know you all support me. I know it’s just my lack of confidence and self respect talking. He has always made all the big decisions. If I don’t agree, he persuades me or ignores me. It feels alien to be going against him in such a huge way. I know he’s going to go ballistic when he comes back from holiday to find me gone and a divorce letter waiting for him. The thought of his reaction fills me with dread knowing that it will be my sons having to deal with him. They are bigger than him so I don’t think he would try to physically harm them, but… hopefully he will just try to turn them against me, not harm them with his twisted abuse

[fridges]

Freedomfighter, with time your sons will forgive you, have a patience. I forgave my mum, it took me long time, but I did. I saw her as a poor woman who went through abuse years after years. When her all confidence, all her soul is taken out.
I can understand how hard is to make it all to stop.
May be it is worth to let know police that you will be leaving the letter and divorce papers for him. Just it case your son can be in danger by his anger?
I think about having children in the future, but I know I can have them only when I’m a healthy person, with healthy ways of living. (detail removed by moderator). I want my daughter be respectful to herself, and knowing abuse is never ok. I can teach her only with the way, I will be dealing with things in life.

[Copperflame]

This is something I struggle with, putting myself first. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and an emotionally abusive father and I was conditioned from an early age to put others first and not to be ‘selfish’. I’m getting much better at setting boundaries now, but I don’t find it easy because putting my own needs first feels so selfish – I guess its all those years of conditioning. However the others are right, you do need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help others, and you can’t help others when you’re running on empty yourself. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself.

Something I’ve learned is that when you are in an abusive relationship, you can’t see the wood from the trees and can’t view things objectively. However, once you’ve been out for a while, you start seeing things more clearly. I think that once you are out and have got some support for yourself, you’ll be in a stronger position to help your sons and in the long run I think they will thank you for it.

Getting out of an abusive situation is hard, but eventually has its rewards. I have never heard anyone say they’ve regretted it – I certainly haven’t! xx

[Author]

Posts