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    • #116167
      solivagant
      Participant

      I’ve left my abusive relationship and we now have a baby together. Currently I’ve managed to keep him away from us but its only a matter of time before he applys to court and gets back in our lives.

      Ive read on here that quite a few people pretend to sleep to avoid having sex with their partner (absolutely nothing wrong with thatplease don’t think I’m saying there is).
      My ex used to have sex whenever he wanted regardless of whether or not I was asleep. I’d assumed at the time that this was a norm and okay. I never particularly liked it but didn’t really get a chance to say no… After reading other peoples comments im unsure whether it was alright or not?
      What are peoples thoughts on this or has anyone else experienced this?

      Thanks

    • #116169
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s absolutely not all right to have sex with someone who can’t consent. That’s rape. Sex must be given freely with consent, without fear or coercion. Have a look at the Thames Valley Police video online called A Cup of Tea. Please also ring the rape crisis helpline to talk about it. Talk to your local women’s aid about keeping this man out of your child’s life. Don’t out his name on the birth certificate. I reported my ex husband for rape. It’s not okay. It’s never okay to have to pretend to be sleeping while someone sexually assaults you. We minimise the abuse so much it becomes normal to us.

      • #116177
        solivagant
        Participant

        Was it the same situation or…?
        If it was the same situation how long was it before you told anyone and how can you get people to believe you with no proof??

    • #116174
      hop
      Participant

      That video A Cup Of Tea explains consent brilliantly. You’d think saying no would be enough, or being asleep would definitely be enough. I didn’t know I was being abused like that and it feels shocking to think of it still. I would love to be able to speak out about it but I find it hard to comprehend it happened let alone try and get people in authority to believe it did. Kip and women like you are so brave to be so open…..I cant even imagine. To the drs and at therapy i cant talk about it like it happened to me,still…hopefully the time will come when it’s not my shame anymore. Until then i feel ashamed that i didn’t know, that i let it happen, everything…

      • #116178
        solivagant
        Participant

        I’m sorry its still very traumatic for you!
        It is a strange feeling to not know and feel the shame of it. I wish I’d realised that abuse doesn’t always have to be physical before I told him I was pregnant. I wander what I would have done differently.
        I feel so stupid to not realise that this was rape and that he’d been so abusive!
        I don’t want to make it difficult for you but if you don’t mind me asking. Did you manage to get anyone to believe you??

    • #116183
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, absolutely everyone I told believed me. The professionals deal with men like him all the time and have heard it all before. Talk to womens aid and rape crisis first. They will reassure you that you will absolutely be believed x

      • #116196
        solivagant
        Participant

        Thanks for your reply, I will have a look into it.
        What is the process if I do go forward with it?

    • #116184
      KIP.
      Participant

      My biggest fear was nobody would believe me. My abuser used to tell me that nobody would believe me. Abusers are liars x you can bet if he’s sexually abused you then he’s done it to other women too x

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