This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  freedomtochoose 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #79191
     Lilypink 
    Participant

    After I left my abusive husband and reported the incidents, I’ve been made to feel like such rubbish by his family. He told them to cut off all contact with me. I had relationships with all these people for so long and had grown to regard them as my own, but honour and loyalty to blood trumps justice and what morally right in their world. And it should mean that I’m happy to break the ties, but I feel I invested so much emotion and feeling in them as my new family, but they have not shown an ounce of concern for the abuse I suffered or for my child in the aftermath of leaving and now they are seeing my child & it makes me feel sick thinking that she will grow up being with them, but always without me there, where before I was part of the family. That they’ve been ok to just listen to him and cut me off, believed his lies about me. I just feel like I’m hitting rock bottom constantly with this one. It makes me feel so desperately sad.

  • #79193
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    lilypink.
    Please understand I am posting briefly because I am trying to understand and advise you on what must come first.

    Please understand I know your experience is not my experience, but your experience sounds remarkably similar to mine.

    I left for refuge some years ago.

    Reason being amongst other things I was emotionally abused by ex, but also abused by his birth family, who operated very much like you are descrxibing as a pack of prianhas trying to take parental responsibility off me, or at least smash my self-esteem.

    It is half ten at night, but I would not want any other woman to suffer as I did.

    So I’m asking you to lean on us the other women on here, and the moderator.

    We can help you.

    I want to ask you why they are seeking to take away your power and care as a mum.

    I think personally there is only one reason why they would do this. And the reason is very dark indeed.

    Please take back control

    You are your child’s mum.

    You have parental responsibility.
    (detail removed by moderator)

    But there is not reason, legal, personal or otherwise why they should be trying to make you feel this way.

    Please, please try to get your child out of it.

    From one who knows.

    ftc
    x

  • #79196
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    And why, oh why lilypink are they seeing your chld without your there?
    is there acourt order in place?
    If not, please take back control,
    don’t allow it
    keep your child close, close, close.
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #79199
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    the reason is, I believe, they are trying to groom your child.
    So sorry to say this so bluntly, but I believe from what you said, it is true
    lean on other ladies on here for support
    keep posting
    ftc
    x

  • #79206
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, I went through similar but with my own family too. Abusers paint themselves as victims, sometimes it’s easier just to side with the abuser. To keep the peace. Like we did for years. There is also victim blaming which is dreadful. It’s sad when this happens to people we trusted but I think maybe he’s told them lies about you to keep them from finding out the real story. That he is the abuser. Who knows what lies he’s told them. Maybe he’s threatened they won’t see their grandchild if the don’t ignore you. Do you have a contact order in place? Have you taken legal advice? It might be worth ringing the helpline or getting in touch with your local women’s aid. Find out where you stand legally. You don’t want him refusing to return your child. Do you have your own family you can lean on? Sometimes it’s best to just walk away. Accept the good times you had with them, especially if they’re good with your child but you do have choices.

  • #79210
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    It sounds like you need specialist advice – if honour to the family is all his family are thinking about they have this the wrong way round. Surely he has dishonoured his family not you, yet your the one being ostricised? Its not right, you’ve done nothing wrong but to keep safe. The ladies above are right kids learn by example and your child will learn from them it’s ok to hurt people because we will stand by you. In law it dosent work that way if you commit a crime ie domestic abuse the abuser is penalised/ ostricised and I think should be jailed. I’d seek legal advice – I’m not sure which type of abuse you’ve suffered or all. I’d ask for safe contact, so contact centre for handover(womens aid can do a risk assessment then write to the court)he is the only one who has parental rights not his family. Not at all. I cut his family out of the picture because they were so poisonous. Protect you and your child by getting a court order, supervised contact with a third party you trust to communicate. You’ll see how honourable he is then because he will probably give up. My ex dad because his intent was to destroy me xxxx we can help you through this, take care much love diymum xx 💕

  • #79313
     Lilypink 
    Participant

    Thank you for the words of support..

    Yes there is an order in place and at the moment. He was seeing our child at a contact centre for awhile & is now seeing our child at his relative’s house, who’s doing the ‘supervision.’ Tbh, I feel I’ve agreed to this under pressure from his legal counsel, when ultimately I knew it was inappropriate to have to come into contact with his side. I feel as if I’ve agreed too much too soon, as he’s not even completed the rehabilitation programme he’s been ordered to go on. I thought I was doing the right thing for my child, but it’s becoming difficult for me as the weeks progress.

    The process of having to see his family members at handover is what has brought on all these feelings, because I do the handover (it was too upsetting for my own family & they have supported me so much in other ways) Yes, I definitely feel that he’s made up lies about me, as I’ve seen what he is capable of saying about me in the court system, so he would probably say the same to them. But I’ve let him get inside my head for so long, that I care what they think when I shouldn’t. At times, when I feel very vulnerable, I believe him when he told me that I broke the family code by reporting his violence. Victim shaming is so prevalent. And until I’ve started to heal from all of this it’s very difficult to cut the trauma bonds because for so long I have let this person rule my thoughts & what I think about myself. It’s just awful.

    So it doesn’t feel like I’m anywhere near ready to meet the terms of what he’s asking with regards to contact..

    I know it’s about clawing some of the control back over this & asking the (detail removed by moderator) that enables things to move a lot slower rather than faster, which is what he wants. But I don’t know how they’ll view that in terms of our child.

  • #79315
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    ask womens aid to write a letter for you stating you need the contact centre in place for safe contact ie that your out of the equation making handover less friction building infront of your child – so for the childs sake and yours really. cam you take it back to be ammended like a variation? xx the gp can back you on this too

  • #79392
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    hello again lilypink,

    I don’t mean to sound simplistic or offensive at all,
    but refuge workers said this to me at some point.
    It is time to put your boxing gloves on. Morally.

    There is something possible that is better than this and with building your self-esteem
    we can help you fight for it.

    all best
    ftc
    x

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