Dangling on a string

[LittleRobin]

Hi All,

My husband (detail removed by Moderator) said he wanted a divorce (this was over text as we are in a long-distance marriage), it was because he said he was suicidal and I did not fly straight back to be with him (detail removed by Moderator). He said he was lonely and I wasn’t there – we were actually as a couple in a bad place before I returned home (he was supposed to seek therapy for his issues whilst I worked on my self confidence). When he said we were divorcing said he would rather us be miserable together than him be lonely.

I agreed to drop everything to return back and be with him but he said it was too late. So I anxiously waited for divorce papers but no sign of them. I contacted him about when the papers were arriving (detail removed by Moderator) and he said he hadn’t filed yet but was going to do that (detail removed by Moderator). So I anxiously waited for longer. Then (detail removed by Moderator) I got in touch again. This time he said that he had not filed as he wanted his lawyer to complete the paperwork for him as he himself could not complete the documents. I asked why and he just said he couldn’t do it – then later on as the conversation progressed he said he was waiting for the new divorce laws (detail removed by Moderator). I told him as that was a while away and I didn’t want a divorce to think about me coming back and us just dating each other again rather than jumping straight into married life. He said he would think about it – (detail removed by Moderator) later he said he had thought and still wanted a divorce.

I was upset but then he said that I hadn’t given him space and time to think properly (we communicated occasionally (detail removed by Moderator)) so we spoke the odd few times about that. A lot of the time he was the one reaching out to me and not the other way round yet it was me not giving him space!

So he asked for more space and I told him to think carefully this time – again (detail removed by Moderator) he still wasn’t being given the chance to think. And he also said from what time he has had to think he still wants a divorce.

Then I suggested marriage counselling – again he needed time to think. He decided he didn’t want to proceed with marriage counselling as that would affect his independent counselling – so he said he still wanted a divorce. We left that call with me saying that I have thought of every single way to save this marriage and I have run out of ideas. So he said if I want him to think of an idea I need to give him space! I told him I didn’t want him to think of an idea for me but only if he wanted to for himself and for us as a couple. So now we have had no contact for (detail removed by Moderator) days and I just feel like if he wanted a divorce and if he was a normal man he would have filed by now. Seems like he is dragging this whole thing out and dangling me on a string and I don’t know for what purpose?

[Bananaboat]

To keep you hooked. To keep you wondering rather than moving on. As he’s ‘entitled’ and won’t be told what to do by a woman. Because they are too lazy to do things themselves. Maybe because he’s going to decide he does want to stay with you but only when he’s ready and you’re super compliant and grateful. None of them are good reasons. Careful if you do go to marriage counselling, it’s not great for abusive relationships as he’ll want to manipulate the counsellor and make everything your fault x

[KindnessIsntAWeakness]

I totally agree with @BananaBoat here. He’s keeping you hooked and I believe has no intentions of filing for divorce. He’s using the threat of divorce as a form of control, and as a means to keep control over you.

Is there anything stopping you from filing for divorce? Do you think that’s an option you could look into, if you want to of course? I appreciate it’s scary to think about, but don’t ever feel like you have to wait for him to make his mind up on something like this – you need to put yourself and your feelings and life first x

[gettingtired]

Mine has threatened to end the relationship countless times over the years and more recently has resorted to claiming that we’re already over as far as he’s concerned. Then the next day he might be completely back to normal and nothing is mentioned again. They use it to maintain control, it really is horrible x

[LittleRobin]

Thank you all for the advice, completely agree it is a control tactic.

I told him I would file myself (if he wanted to play the victim) but as long as he paid as I am currently not working with being a student and he said no.

Really want to stop him from having control over me but at the moment I feel very trapped. Hope it will get better for us all soon enough x

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