Daring to imagine

[searchingforhope]

What would it be like to wake up in the morning and think oh it’s Friday, I’ve X Y and Z today. Just work, activities, maybe friends catch up, chill time and normal worries and not drama and no drains on the energy and to just be at ease. It would be so simple. I would never complain about the ordinary again.
I know nobody knows what is going on in anyone else’s lives, but at the moment, I’m drained. I’m tired and I try to find the strength to imagine getting to the other side of this utter mess I’m in and I’m struggling so much with it right now. Why didn’t I see the red flags? Then there are days I question their existence. How is my mind so messed up that I can’t think clearly? I feel he’s broken me.
I rang someone (detail removed by moderator) about a confrontation he had with them years ago to get their side. Sure they could hardly remember, but he has tormented me for years over it, it was nothing to do with me, I wasn’t even there when it happened. Questioning my gut feeling from so many years ago and from talking to her now (detail removed by moderator) seemed it was right.

Will it be possible that some day I can be sure of myself again? Imagine that, not questioning, not doubting, being sure in my perceptions and feelings and experiences!

Please God let it be sooner rather than later.
I hope the same for anyone feeling the same here. x*x

[nbumblebee]

Your post broke my heart and I didnt want to read and eun.
My lovely we are here we feel your pain.
Gosh i am so with you how amazing would it be on a friday evening to just think wow what a week now i have a bit if time for me to do x y z instead i worry i panic as we have to do what he wants what he says and if i try if i ask its always a no we do what he says and thats it life is all about him although he will happliy tell everyine(detail removed by moderator) he is the perfect husband on the outside.
Many many of us here will understand just what you are going through and like me sone are still here finding a way through. I have no advice not really apart from talk, on here with someone you trust fanily friends a dr talk dont leave it all inside to fester to get worse you dont have to do this alone. And yes a huge yes you will find a way theough you will heal and get theough this you will and you have got to hold on to that hope cause that is whats gonna get you through this. One baby step foward at a time.
Sending you hugs take care stay safe stay strong x

[Bananaboat]

I came to hate Fridays and weekends and realised that’s no way to live. Don’t feel bad for not noticing until it was too late, they are masters of manipulation and trauma bonding is real. Yes you can live again and look forward to things, one step at a time xx

[tiredofitall]

This is exactly how I feel. I’ve just spent the last two hours being shouted at, told I’m a tubbish parent, how rubbish my parents are…the little derails that he obsesses over and he takes no responsibility for anything. God what would it be like to just breathe and relax. Me and the kids are so happy when he isn’t here. I’ve told him I don’t want him here anymore and he’ll agree and tell me he doesn’t want it either but I know he won’t go anywhere cause why would he??? I’m not leaving and letting him screw up the rest of my life by destroying my credit. I’ve worked do hard to build that up. I just wanted to say how much I feel you. I’m just grateful that my eyes are open and I know it’s NOT me. It IS him.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for your replies. I really appreciate you take the time to read and reply.

I’m drained today. Arrangement to meet him soon which I’m allergic to. Don’t want to . Want to run away and hide from the reality of my life. But everything is in a heap. No solid arrangements with kids. Need to talk him through my main issues and try my best not to crumble and give in to him coming back, as that isn’t going to do anything positive for me I think. But its so hard to see straight and trust myself anymore. It’s so rotten.

Please God everyday is a nearer to a normal happy life. It has to be.

Hope you are all doing ok today. Sending love x*x

[Bananaboat]

Good luck! The one bit that stuck out for me was you saying, ‘need to talk him through my main issues and try my best not to crumble and let him back in’, lovely, don’t try and reason with him or expect him to understand how you feel. Expect his to gaslight you and twist everything to make you feel bad and paint him as the victim. It’s ok to say this relationship doesn’t make me happy – you don’t owe him an explanation (although thanks to FOG and trauma bonding we feel like we do). You know you want out, deep breath, you got this x

[gettingtired]

Yes I think about this every single day. Imagining a life without these worries feels alien doesn’t it? It’s almost like you can become addicted to the chaos in some ways. Not to blame ourselves but I just feel like the unknown is scarier than the known in a lot of ways. Plus we all know post separation abuse is real and dangerous and I worry at what lengths he would go to such as trying to ruin my reputation at work, tell lies to mutual people we know etc. The thought of all of that is so embarassing and humiliating, it almost feels easier to carry on pretending to the outside world but then that leads to misery as well.
Dr Ramani does a good video on YouTube about how you face grief whether you leave or stay but ultimately if you leave eventually you can overcome that grief. It’s desperately sad though.
Hope you don’t feel so alone knowing there’s others out there feeling the same everyday xx

[IAmGoodEnough]

@searchingforhope
I know exactly that feeling too. Spending the week counting down to the weekend with dread building. Everyone else so cheerful that it is Friday and I just want to cry.

It has got better as l have learned to disconnect from him and not allow myself to be triggered. Just spend the weekend watching him tantrum but not be affected emotionally by it. I recommend Melania Tonia Evans book “You can thrive after n***********c abuse” it’s quite spiritual so not for everyone but I found it so helpful personally I am actually able to find some happiness despite still being in my situation.

I am struggling massively with fear of the unknown and the bizarreness of considering this relationship to be my comfort zone. So I am, like you, finding it hard to imagine ever being able to look forward to peaceful weekends in my own space without having to worry about him coming home. I might be able to disconnect emotionally but I am so tired of the chaos.

Please remember there is ALWAYS hope! As my best friend sings to me everytime I feel hopeless “Just Keep Swimming”

[IAmGoodEnough]

Also I echo what @bananaboat said. I had to accept that I cannot ever reason with him! I tried twice before and all it did was clue him in to the fact I might leave at which point he used every trick to make me stay short of violence. It took years to come back from that.

The key for me and maintaining my sanity was to stop focusing on him and all the things he did wrong and start focusing on myself and the kids. I got therapy (in secret), focused on my career, read every self help book I could get my hands on, started believing in myself again, found ways to have some independence, stopped relying on him to do anything or give me anything, set my boundaries.

I would rather not be here but I am so much stronger than I was. And one day soon I hope to be strong enough to take the next step, and then the next.

Do NOT give him any power by trying to get him to understand or be reasonable. He will gaslight you. Take your power back and do what you need to do for you. One thing at a time. No matter how small. I started by having baths every night because he hated not having access to me for an hour. He created chaos the whole time I was in there but I stuck to it and eventually he gave up. Whatever works for you and is safe in your situation. He doesn’t even need to know you are doing it. Eventually you will start to trust yourself again.

Sorry this is long and rambling but your post broke my heart. It is so tough being where we are and the big things seem so far away. But the little steps are always within our grasp.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks, so much for taking the time to read and reply. It does mean alot. It helps to know someone else gets it, thought horrible to think you must go through it too.
I met him and it was much of the same. Like you said playing the victim, dismissive, he’s not who I say he is. I held as strong as I could. Didn’t crumble to him returning. Still limbo. Still nothing arranged kids wise. But after a blow up or conversation like that, it’s like calm after the storm and I hope for a little peace for a bit.
He does make me wonder is it me, have I created this in my head. Can I trust myself? It’s so head wrecking. I think I trust myself a little better than I did two or three weeks ago. But only cause I’m trying to work on myself in a big way at the moment. All the self-help books and anything to reinforce self-esteem and positivity.
It was a little win for me I guess, not sure of his interpretation of it all. I’ll return to my day by day approach. Happy with the week of routine ahead of me.
HAd a very tiring weekend, so hoping I sleep well tonight.

Thank you again for your help and support, it’s one of the things helping to get me through this and helping me learn also.

Hope you are all ok after weekend. Sending love x*x

[IAmGoodEnough]

Well it sounds to me like you showed up strong and courageously. It won’t make the blindest difference to him but you need to acknowledge it to yourself.

The biggest thing I am struggling with is actually speaking my mind and standing up for myself verbally so I personally think what you did is awesome 🙇‍♀️

From what you say I am presuming he is out of your house which must have taken incredible strength. Stand firm and don’t let anything he says or does be an indicator of who you truly are.

Everyone has a right to end a relationship for any reason. The fact that they make us feel like that isn’t an option is the biggest clue that something is wrong. You don’t need his validation for your decisions

You are doing amazing. Enjoy the peace and look after yourself xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much @iamgoodenough. Yes your right he’s out of the house. So I’m literally taking it day by day as I don’t know how long I can keep it going.

What you said about reasoning with him and trying to make him understand is something I’m really struggling with. For years I didn’t speak my mind as I was too afraid and I’m slowly starting to now. But its so hard.
Thanks for saying I seemed strong. One or two others have said that too. I don’t feel it though.

He contacted me since saying hes struggling with one of the things I’ve accused him of. He genuinely thinks he did no harm or meant no harm. But my feelings matter too don’t they. I guess I’m so used to feelings me dismissed or minimised, I’m struggling with facing them now. I’m someone who very much puts my head in the sand and just keeps going and normally that’s fine, but I guess my head got buried so deep with the build up of things I couldn’t take it anymore. Covid magnified it all too I guess.

Another day now. head down and focus on routine for the week.
Hope you are doing ok. Mind yourself. Thanks again xx

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