29th June 2020 at 10:26 pm #108168CantmakedecisonsParticipant
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy – but never imagined I would struggle this bad.
Without sounding dramatic I’m just not sure what the point is anymore. What exactly am I fighting for?
Sure the first answer is kids but they want him more anyway. I love them so so much but then do him as well!?
29th June 2020 at 10:39 pm #108169iliketeaParticipant
Ive just looked back through your posts, its been a week. You’re doing so so well. This can only be expected after everything you have been through. You have come so far in less than two months, I just found your first post! You are very strong, and you have moved a mountain. You are exhausted, probably suffering from PTSD, can you speak to your GP and get some help medically? Maybe anti-anxiety or anti-depressants? And definitely counselling. If you feel up to it.
It doesn’t sound dramatic at all. It sounds 100% normal.
The point is you. The point is your children. Children don’t truly know or understand what has happened to you. They tend to just want the status quo, whatever is the easiest way to get their needs met. I mean that in a nice way. They’re like little wild animals really.
Would you feel ok to call the Samaritans? They are amazing. And there day and night. Chat it through, its not dramatic, everything you are feeling is overwhelm and exhaustion and a reaction to holding your breath and having way too much cortisol and aderenaline running through your system for god knows how long. Its going to take time. And lots of self-love. For now, how about a hot milk with honey, hot water bottle, and bed. Switch off for today. You deserve it. Honestly, you do, its amazing what you have achieved, in lockdown. You’ve given me a lot of hope and strength to take my next steps. xx
29th June 2020 at 10:47 pm #108170CantmakedecisonsParticipant
Iliketea, it’s really sweet that you can even be bothered to read my post, now and earlier ones. I am exhausted. It’s not really been a quick thing.. (detail removed by Moderator) years! I’m def mourning for my marriage and sad I tried so many times to fix it and couldn’t.
I physically hurt less but emotionally I’m hurting now. I will talk to someone cos I do recognise that I’m struggling.
Thank you again for kind words. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed to be heard.
29th June 2020 at 11:15 pm #108171EggshellsParticipant
@cantmakedecisions you are worth it. You ate amazing. Please don’t do anything that will deny the world of everything that makes you, you. You are special and wonderful and in a bad place. This will pass. Please stay with us. Sending lots of love. xx
29th June 2020 at 11:34 pm #108172EggshellsParticipant
If you don’t feel safe with yourself please phone 999. The adivice is to phone 111 option 2 but from recent experience, younwont get through. If it’s gets to that point, please phone 999 and tell them how you’re feeling.
29th June 2020 at 11:46 pm #108173WeepingwillowParticipant
You are doing amazing, I wish I was strong like you . Go easy on yourself. Well done for getting this far and reaching out when you feel low x please carry on reaching out , you are not alone 💕 xx
29th June 2020 at 11:47 pm #108174Soulsearcher18Participant
Hi, thinking of you and willing you on to keep going.
Everything Iliketea and the others said basically- please don’t underestimate the impact of everything you’ve been through. Please reach out to your GP for regular, on-going support at this time. Do make that call to Samaritans- not one I have used but definitely one that has been recommended on here and one I would consider in future. I have definitely had to use my local 24 hr Domestic abuse service helpline, especially in the early days.
It will all become clearer, time- along with accessing and surrounding yourself with the right kind of support is a healer.
Take care, keep posting- we’re here for you.
30th June 2020 at 6:20 am #108216BraelynnParticipant
Interesting how we put the whole burden ourselves regarding making the relationship work isn’t it? This one poisonous tidbit of “fang” in us is the magical thinking part which said we could or should have ever carried their load and ours as well. It’s an impossible feat and I don’t care who we are as people, it can’t be done. We can’t do it. So when we finally pull away and get away then we collapse on the floor and go OMG! I am exhausted, depleted of everything! Of course you are!
For so long now all your energy has been going into him and everyone else except to “you”. He wasn’t being supportive and caring and loving to you. So who fed you? No one. Was it because you didn’t deserve it? Of course not! But we kinda sorta treat ourselves like this is true, when it isn’t….
Them not doing their part and doing nothing but abuse, had nothing whatsoever to do with you or you deserving it or anything remotely like that. They just don’t care. And again, it’s not about WOW, well then I guess I’m some kind of horrible person if they don’t care about me! Noooo……… It’s like people who ask why, why, why did this person just assault me on the street and leave for me dead doing it?? I don’t deserve this! I didn’t do anything to them! Why did they do that? Because they could. Because you were there. If it wasn’t you it would have been someone else.
We assign all this personal stuff to why they did what they did and why can’t they be something different than who they are – to the point of just gutting ourselves in the process. It had nothing to do with us. Never did. They go through life doing this to everyone. Sure, they can hide it effectively if they aren’t living with someone, can con people, make them think they are this or that but it’s not the real them. It’s a facade, an illusion. Live with him for awhile and then tell me what you think and see, eh?
So we have to not assign all this blame or the fact that we thought we were one when we weren’t at all and just disconnect from it. It was all a lie, his lie. You disbelieved it so continue on that path of doing so and start believing in yourself. If you don’t believe in you, no one else will.
It’s hard getting your personhood back, it is, but it can be done. You’re going to be wobbly, you’re going to be in pain, like someone in a car accident and learning how to walk and talk again, it’s called – rehab and you are in it.
Be kind to yourself and loving and patient, all the things he wasn’t to you. You do that for you, okay? Send all that darkness straight back to him. He can deal with it. It’s not yours to bear because who he is, is not who you thought you married. It’s not. That’s on him, not you.
And unfortunately, if you love someone, you can’t keep fixing everything for them because if you do that, then they never get the chance to hit rock bottom and make some life decisions that they need to make if they can. Sometimes our codependency actually cripples them. He needs to hit rock bottom. But it’s also not your problem. You’ve given him enough of your life now and I’m sorry but when trust is gone, what do you have left? Nothing.
You are two entirely different people and you need to now “be” who you are and not who you are being his prisoner and the dog he kicks, okay? That’s not who you are. It’s who you were when you were with him but that needs to be over now, right? And he wasn’t going to stop with hurting you more and more. It would happen to your son as well and I’m sure it already has one way or the other. So you are fighting for – this to all stop. Your son can’t do that for himself, but you can.
Let him figure out his own life. He needs to. Or not. But you and your son – have lives that have to move forward here. You can’t be tied to this man emotionally anymore because all he will do is drag you right down again. None of this was…….your fault. Every time you worry about him, you take away time and energy from you and your son.
It’s a new day. It’s a different day. It’s a new path. A new future. There are possibilities now that were not possible before. Embrace them. Be gentle with yourself. Watch your thoughts because thoughts create chemicals and hormones in our brain that then have an affect on us. So be careful what you believe is true.
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