Dating again??????

[I want to break free]

Apologies to everyone. As I have not been on the forum for a while.
Just wondered what your experience of trying to date again has been.
Recently I realised that my boundaries are fairly impenetrable and I have been trying to be “invisible” so as not to be noticed by Men. I am fine dealing with Men at work etc but have almost no male friends and certainly no single male friends and I have decided not to do on-line dating etc so the chances of me meeting anyone is almost non – existent …………or so thought !
I was not looking for anyone, I was focusing on me and my recovery.
Over (removed by moderator) work colleague phoned me. He is someone who I had not really even noticed and was not remotely interested in although I have known him a few years and know that he is a decent guy and a single dad.
He told me that I was beautiful and we talked on the phone for quite a while. It was the first time we had talked on a personal level rather than about work and we seemed to have so much in common. After I put the phone down I realised that this person has actually been very supportive over the last couple of years, fixing things for me etc. Since then we have spoken a few times and texted each other and we agreed to go out on a date. He is quite literally the first man I have let close to me (romantically) since I left my abusive relationship.
For one reason or another the date had to be cancelled and we have only exchanged texts since. I know that he has family stuff going on at the moment.
The problem is I am ALL OVER THE PLACE – I really like him, my hormones are all over the place, I can’t stop thinking about him, and i am feeling really really vulnerable. I am on a roller coaster from feeling euphoric and loved up to missing him and then feeling vulnerable and not being able to cope and crying.
I know that the data was cancelled for a legitimate reason but the fact that he has not called me has made me feel like he is playing with my emotions. He knows I am an abuse survivor and he seemed to understand. Deep down I think he is honest and trust worthy and it actually being quite a gentleman and treating me with respect.
The problem is me. I have too stronger feelings for him for where we are at i.e. pre first date!
1) I dont understand how I can go from nothing to huge crush in a mater of days
2) I dont have a clue how to deal with all the vulnerability it is bringing up in me, being on an emotional rollercoaster is not that realistic when you have work, a child to look after etc life has to go on!
3) I am worried that I will mess it up – because my emotions are all over the place I will put way too much pressure on the friendship before it has time to be anything else.
4) I keep thinking what if he is just trying to manipulate me?
In my heart of hearts i think this guy is a genuine decent guy who cares for me, who is completely oblivious to what he has triggered in me !
I am now feeling that I might need to distance myself, so I can get myself back on an even keal. I just dont think I am ready for dating – as clearly I have lost the plot !!!!
Please help me ! Any suggestions as to how to get by head back together and what to do.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Women’s Aid recommend two years before dating again after an abusive relationship and I truely believe in this. I’ve been where you are and in my opinion you’re nor recovered enough. I only say this because I went through what you’re feeling and now I’m much further down the road to recovery I feel very different. I’m confident with dating. I’ve only been on three but I can take it or leave it. It’s nice but there’s no huge wave of emotions. Perhaps suggest backing off just now and maybe have a coffee together. Something familiar. There is absolutely no rush. I hate the way society pressures single people. I love my single life and it will be someone special who I allow into that. The last thing you need is more anxiety in your life. Don’t write off online dating. If you’re careful you can meet some really genuine guys. On your terms. It was my way of easing myself back into the dating pool. Mostly, it should be fun X

[WalkerInTheRain]

Personally, I think you need to spend some time reflecting on what YOU want.
It’s easy at this stage to get bowled over and miss some of the warning signs of another abusive relationship.
If you want to explore this, then maybe set some ground rules for yourself; no more that two dates a month, no texting every day, no staying over until X amount of months. These are just examples but they’ll give you the space to reflect on whether you feel it’s genuine and also reinforces your boundaries. Could your work relationship survive if a personal relationship doesn’t work or will you feel obligated to make it work?

[KIP.]

Great advice walkerintherain. I will be following it. I found I was texting every day with the last guy. Even before we met! After the first date we were texting goodnight! I didn’t even know this guy. Turns out he gave me the wrong surname! Lots of sharks in the dating pool. Lucky escape and a warning lesson.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

I agree with KIp u should wait two years to recover, if u feel ready to date thats good, but the fact that u r obsessed with this guy , i would ask myself why am i feeling like this, careful u r not making yourself vunerable again, take things slowly with him, if u feel he is messing u about keep away, last year a guy showed intrest in me, but he started roplay mind games, i too started thinking about him loads, but then i started questioning myself why was i so keen to be acceptd by some one , i then noticed he talked to me on his terms, flirted on his terms, i took them as red flag signs and backed off as no one talks to me just when they feel like it, it made it clear that this man can not show respect to me, i choose to blank him now, i have since met guys who treat me with resepct and are happy to just be friends. think what it is u want, yes we allmiss the company , but make sure the next person agrees to resepct u

[lover of no contact]

I also went through the feelings you describe when a man I knew to see, but not speak to showed clear interest in me. As he had a red flag I did not want to establish any kind of relationship with him. But my feelings were as you describe and I could not stop thinking about him. In my diary and to myself I referred to him as ‘trigger’. He triggered the feelings of excitement, hope that a good, decent man who would treat me with respect was interested in me. He triggered the longing for love with a decent man. He triggered and gave me self-esteem because it was obvious he found me attractive and was working hard to get my attention.

Anyway due to his red flag I made a decision to not come into contact with him as I didn’t want to keep being triggered by him.

Its very hard to resist the attention of an attractive man (who seemed kind and decent) showing interest that we find attractive too.

Thankyou for your post as I couldn’t understand how my emotions were all over the place and I was on a rollercoaster of emotion too due to this man’s attentions. It must be normal when coming out of abusive relationship.

I suppose we just want to be loved, wanted and cherished by a man and that want can send us (well me anyway) all over the place.

[Serenity]

Hi There,

I suppose a good indicator is if we feel
as excited by ourselves and our potential opportunities as the idea of a romance!

We feel empty after being used by an abuser, and it’s easy to think that someone nice can fill that gap. And of course, a loving relationship is a wonderful thing.

I would say it’s important that you’ve found yourself again after the abuse, found your self-worth and worked out your own standards, principles, priorities and the direction you want to go in, standards etc that you know are essential to you, and that you are both confident and excited about getting there.

Only then is it safe to test the water- and even then, it should be tested carefully, and slowly. As abuse survivors, we need to keep our emotions in check, allow intimacy gradually, being on alert for red flags.

The two year suggested wait time seems reasonable. It takes two years to get over a regular divorce, apparently: I imagine it might take longer if abuse was present.

Being in a strong place where you feel that you know where you are going will help
protect you if a dating experience doesn’t go
so well. I recently dipped my toe in the dating game, and was faced with another controller. That made me realise that I’m not ready, because I am too excited about continuing to discover me, and don’t feel U want to sacrifice that time for anyone else yet.

Whatever you choose, take things slowly and remember that as survivors, we need to
try to keep our emotions balanced and not be afraid to face red flags as they arise x

[I want to break free]

Thanks for all your replies. I have been out of an abusive relationship for over (removed by moderator) years but clearly that is not enough !!! I have been on a couple of dates before and they were fun and I was fine. I think the fact that I do know this person and trust him has just made me let my boundaries down to quickly and this is where the problem lies. I have not seen any red flags at all. He has been respectful but I have been distrustful about how he managed to get me to let my boundaries down i.e. calling me beautiful ….. in case it was charm.
I have decided that I will just be friends with the guy and get to know him better and put in some boundaries. I think lesson learnt really and lucky escape ! He seemed serious about me. I was endanger of being swept along by it. He did trigger me in lots of ways and I will have to try to stay away from him until I get my balance back. I think I do long for the love of a decent man. Before that I was actually enjoying being single and recovering etc. I think he will accept being friends only and at least I have not messed up work.
Thanks for all the advice and the reflections lovely ladies !

[Author]

Posts