Dating and going through the mill mentally

[Cecile]

This is probably the most sensible thing I have done for weeks, posting here. I met someone via a dating app. We have had video calls, texts etc. He keeps saying that if we decide not to be a couple that he would always like to be my friend. This makes my knees go weak. Mentally I roll over like a puppy. He wants us to meet up soon.
So this morning I had a nightmare about my ex. and I woke up screaming for my mother.
Flashbacks all day. I think the dating has opened me up emotionally and the ghosts are flooding out. I had survived being with him by being numb to the abuse and getting advice on here. Now I am feeling high levels of excitement and happiness and the trauma rearing up. I imagine myself having to tell the new man that my ex made me live in the conditions that he did and I can’t do that. The abuse now seems so horrific I wonder how I survived.
I think my responses to the new man are way OTT. I don’t know what. To advise myself to do. (I coped previously by treating myself as my own daughter).

[Janedoeissad]

I felt the same when I met my now partner. He must’ve thought I was insane!!

Be kind to yourself. Are you having counselling? I have been going for over 12 months and its been a real help to me. I get triggered a lot by everyday things people take for granted in a relationship but the CBT has helped me manage the triggers

[Cecile]

Yeah thanks for the advice I am desperately in need of some direction. the triggering really surprised me I thought I was sorted.

[Camel]

Hi Cecile

It’s good to get out there but do be cautious. This man, who you haven’t met yet, is already talking about relationships. It could all be lovely. On the other hand, he could have picked up on your vulnerability. Just keep an eye out for love bombing, feeling rushed or pressured. You know the kind of thing.

I hope this doesn’t sound too negative. x

[Cecile]

No it’s what I need to hear, why I came here with it. Many thanks.you are right.

[ISOPeace]

Hi Cecile, I don’t have any experience of this, but Women’s Aid recommend that you don’t share your experiences of abuse with a new partner until you have been with them long enough to be sure that they are not abusive. As you can imagine, an abuser would use that information to appear to be the most supportive person you could imagine… until you’re totally sucked in and their true colours come out.

I would definitely remind yourself of the red flags to look out for. I remember when I met my ex, there was love bombing that I was slightly uncomfortable about, but all my friends were telling me how lucky I was so I thought I was just being a worrier. Sadly none of us knew that it was a red flag.

Btw treating yourself as your own daughter sounds like a great idea. We could all use some compassionate re-parenting, in fact I think pretty much everyone on the planet could! xxxx

[Cecile]

Yes thanks for the reminders I need them! I love the support and care on this forum, so essential even after the abuse. I have decided to pull back and tread very carefully and very slowly. Also, he has suddenly gone for 24 hours without texting me, now there could be a sensible reason such as he has decided to not be up in my face, or to tread slowly, or be busy. But I have been enduring very high levels of anxiety, wondering if I said the wrong thing or maybe has realised I am fundamentally flawed, a horrible unlovable person.
So I need to not put myself in so much of a vulnerable place.

[Orangerainbow]

Please be very careful, I met my 2nd online, I dated a few and saw the red flags..but with him I was not prepared for the love bombing. I know now I was still vulnerable from my first, who I have kids with. Be very very careful. My second liked tp not contact me all day as a form of control after a argument. Or to get me to come running to him.

[Cecile]

Yes I am very concerned. Went for a walk and have been very low, thinking I disengage from the online dating app as I clearly don’t know, as ever, how to judge men. Then I thought that sounds like my ex speaking, telling me I am a pathetic little woman,etc.

[Cecile]

Oh I dodged a bullet… my instincts to come here served me well… he was awful…
Terrible communication with him tonight. Never again.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Cecile,

I’m sorry he was awful to you, and I hope you’re OK…but go you! You trusted your gut and pegged him for the “bullet” he was! Your judgement was sound and you reached out for support when you heard those alarm bells ringing. I hope you’re really proud of how you’ve handled this whole situation and it gives you a boost of confidence (once you’re over the upset of the terrible communication) xx

[Cecile]

Oh thank you so much. The angels are always here to tread with me through the evil bad ways of these…..humans??.. I wrote above that I woke up screaming for my mother recently…that was my subconscious saying “Danger”.

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