Dating for the first time & not coping well with it

[Canon]

So after being on my own for years, I have met someone. I wasn’t looking for it, but it’s happening!
I’ve met this lovely guy, completely different to my past two serious (and abusive) relationships. No red flags as far as I can see. He’s kind, gentle, really funny (makes me laugh so much!) and just a really sweet guy.
When we see each other, I feel really comfortable with him. We have mutual friends which is how we met, and I can see he’s more comfortable when we meet with them than he is on his own with me – he’s quite shy when we’re on our own!
It’s very early days – we’ve not been dating long and taking things really slowly but I’ve found myself feeling quite low and anxious in between seeing him.
We’ve been out on a few of dates and he’s popped over a couple of times. Ive invited him for dinner a few times and each time he’s said yes, but then messaged me last minute to say he can’t come as he’s ended up working overtime. There’s been a few occasions where he’s said we will meet up & then either cancelled, or not messaged at all until hours later asking how I’m doing and not even mentioned the fact we were meant to be meeting. I’ve felt like a bit of an idiot at these times tbh, when I’ve got myself ready to go out, only to then realise after a couple of hours that he’s not coming.
That all sounds pretty bad doesn’t it? Part of me is saying to cool it a day and not bother with this. But then the other part of me is making excuses for him because I know how anxious he gets and I wonder if he’s doing this because he just gets too nervous? Apparently when he’s at my mates he doesn’t stop talking about me and when we have met up, he’s telling them how much of a nice time he’s had – which confuses me more because then I’m left wondering why he makes so many excuses not to meet?

My mate says there’s not a bad bone in his body – he’s a really genuine guy but he’s a bit self conscious and worries I’ll be put off by a disability that he has (which I’m clearly not put off by!). I’ve known him for a little while before we started dating and from what I know of him, I’d say my mate is right.
But this is all raising issues with my own self confidence again, questioning whether I’m good enough and just not having a clue how to handle any of this.
I’m used to the ‘being swept off your feet’ & being ‘love bombed’ – the full intense, fast moving relationships that end in disaster and abuse.
I’m wondering if I’ve finally found a potential relationship where it may actually end up being a ‘normal’ and happy & healthy one. But I’ve never had a healthy relationship before – I know what it shouldn’t be like, but never experienced what it should be like.
When we’re together we have a right laugh, and I just feel really happy and comfortable with him. It’s the in between that my head is going crazy because he’s not acting like the other two ‘men’ I was with (which I know isn’t a bad thing but I’m not used to it)

Finding this all just really stressful and wondering if I should just give up 🙁

Anyone else experienced this? How did you work through it?

[Mellow]

I didn’t get to the end as I’m on way out but the first thing I noticed in all this is you are not putting yourself first I have done this too when going back into dating I’d say you have red flags and to end it you don’t need to be stood up like that your worth more invest in yourself

[Bananaboat]

I agree with Mellow, stop worrying about why he’s doing what he’s doing, or excusing his behaviour and think about what you want. What are your boundaries? Next time you arrange a meet up say ‘can you let me know by 5/hour before, if you can’t make it – if it is his anxiety then that gives him a get out clause, for you it gives you a stop time, so you’re not waiting all night and wondering. He should know letting you down hurt but it’s hard to break old habits of ‘it’s ok or just ignoring it’. Can you talk to him about it?

If you just judge him on his actions then he’s letting you down, keeping you hooked with the texts after & no mention of forgetting plans and talking to others about you/your relationship but not you…is that what you want? Hope you sort things one way or another x*x

[Canon]

Hi, thanks for your replies. I completely get what you’re saying and part of me has thought about walking away. I want to give things a little bit longer to see how it goes. He is very different to my last two relationships. My ex husband was very controlling and verbally abusive, and my last partner was a (detail removed by Moderator) – worst experience I’d ever gone through which is why I stayed on my own for so long now. I remember last time being completely swept off my feet and ‘love bombed’ from day 1. I now know that was a major red flag (along with many others that I missed).
I’ve learnt a lot from the past and done a lot of healing, but dating again has brought up a lot of old wounds that maybe haven’t healed fully yet. It’s made me realise I don’t have the confidence I thought I did. I have more than I was left with after the last relationship but I’m realising that I still have a way to go.

The guy I’m dating now is so different. He’s genuinely a really sweet guy and doesn’t seem to have a bad bone in his body. I think he genuinely gets side tracked and just forgets to reply sometimes. I don’t think it’s malicious in any way and we’ve been taking things really slowly which will hopefully help me to have more time to work out where this is going and really get to know him properly.
I know he is a bit nervous when he’s on his own with me and is worried that I might not have the same feelings towards him as he does me. I suspect he’s been hurt in the past and possibly experienced some abuse himself -he hasn’t really opened up about it yet but a couple of things he said about his past relationship made me wonder tbh. He doesn’t have a bad word to say about his ex though which is a good sign in the way of him hopefully not being a complete a******e like the others were.

I’m hoping that as he gets to know me better, he will see that I accept him completely as he is and wouldn’t want to change anything about him (ok, well the communication being a bit better could help me out but hopefully we can work on that!).

I don’t want to put too much detail about him on here because I don’t want to identify myself (or him), but I do think there’s genuine reasons why he forgets and I keep reminding myself of that, im just battling with my own self confidence too I guess.

I don’t want to just quickly rush in to walking away, just as I don’t want to rush the relationship. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone and our paths ended up crossing and we are where we are at the moment. Just want to see where it goes, if it’s meant to be it’ll work out, if not then it won’t.
I know one thing for definite – any sign of him being like my last two relationships and I’ll be gone!

[gettingtired]

I really hope I don’t come across rude or blunt saying this to you but in the early stages of dating I don’t see how a man can just ‘forget’ to reply to someone he’s really into. If they’re interested they will make time no matter what. I’m not saying he isn’t into you btw but I just noticed you said you think he genuinely sometimes gets sidetracked and forgets to reply. Of course I don’t know all the ins and outs I’m just observing what you’ve written. I also notice you seem more focused on what you think he may be thinking or feeling etc. What about you? It seems to me like maybe you’re not fully putting yourself first. Btw, I’m very guilty of this myself so I hope you don’t take this as an insult. You’re worthy of someone showing up when they say they will and not cancelling on you x

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi Canon,

If it were me, the next time he stands you up or cancels last minute, I’d call him out on it and just be very transparent about what’s going on and what you need/ how you feel about it. I’d say something along the lines of ‘listen, I’m having a great time getting to know you on the occasions we’ve met up, but I’ve noticed a few times now when we’ve had plans you’ve cancelled last minute or not turned up. Whilst it’s fine if you’ve changed your mind or have to work overtime occasionally, it’s been leaving me a bit in limbo when I could’ve made alternative plans with friends had I have had advanced notice. I’d still like us to go out if that’s also what you’d like, but equally I need a bit more communication so I know where I’m at and where I stand. I hope that makes sense x’

I’d nip it in the bud now anyway, and you’ll also come across confident and knowing what you want and what you won’t put up with, which for most people is a positive thing (and is most definitely a win / win for you because this guy will then either step it up and stop being flakey, or he won’t – and then you’ll know what to do, without wasting any more time). Hope this helps 🙂 x

[Mellow]

I hope you don’t mind me saying but I feel like your setting your boundaries low I almost feel like your defending him therfore putting him before you.this is how we are as victims .please if it happens again go with your instinct.you’ve come to us asking if it’s right most people who come on here find if they have to ask it’s not right behaviour don’t just settle there so many people out there

[Bananaboat]

I agree. If he was nervous about you liking him wouldn’t he be making more of an effort, not less. We don’t get ‘side tracked’ if we really like someone and care how they feel – at least not more than once! It’s great that he’s completely different but not all abusers are the same – I’m not saying he is one, just there are different types. As Mellow says set your boundaries for what you want/need and if he likes you and is worth it, he’ll meet those needs otherwise you’re under selling yourself. Easy to type, not so easy in real life I know x*x

[Canon]

Hi everyone, well you were all right. He decided to apologize to me for ignoring me the last couple of days. He acknowledged and admitted that he basically cut me off and explained why. It turns out he is still in love with his ex and wants to try and get back with her and can’t stop thinking about her all the time.
I had no idea that that was how he was feeling, and as much as it wasn’t wanted I wanted to hear I’m glad he told me and I’ve now called it a day.
Turns out he was round hers the other day babysitting for her when he had been ignoring me.

I feel like a complete idiot tbh for getting my hopes up that I’d finally met someone nice – especially as I hadn’t been looking for it and have been happy on my own. I’m feeling a mixture of emotions right now tbh. We will stay as friends, but nothing more. Feel a bit p****d off as I’ve been used as a rebound, but what’s done is done. Not going to dwell on it, but will learn from it.
I did set my boundaries too low by making excuses for him, should’ve followed my gut – I knew something wasn’t right but really wanted to be wrong. Won’t be making that mistake again.
I’m totally done with dating now. Don’t think I can do it again. How many times do I keep putting myself through this c**p 😤

[Bananaboat]

Big hugs, glad he came clean. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all want to be loved he’s the broken one, not you x

[Canon]

Thanks. I’ll be ok. Just annoyed with myself for being a mug (that’s how I’m feeling anyway).
It’s hard because I’ve done so much healing and guess I didn’t want to believe that something was wrong. But looking back at my original post etc I now know I still have a long way to go. Boundaries need to be a lot higher in future!

[Escapee123]

I’m sorry that it didn’t work out. I noticed too how you were making so many excuses for him and like the others said it is a side effect of suffering abuse.

If you do meet someone else try and give yourself the same advice you would give others about the situation if it feels wrong, take a step out of yourself to look at it objectively.

Go treat yourself and look after yourself x

[Author]

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