Daughter difficulties

[anotherlife]

My abusive husband left many months ago. He had been controlling, intimidating, verbay abusive, coercive, to me and my (detail removed by moderator) children.
My daughter has a similar temperament to his, very short, impatient and can be bad tempered.
She’s not even a teenager yet. She used to be very loving but when he is pleasant to her etc,I get much worse behaviour. She knows he was wrong in all that he did and has opinions about him at times, which are spot on. But as I tried to protect (detail removed by moderator) the children from him, she’s seen a lot of control and abuse happening.
I know we’ve been in lockdown for months and so many are feeling tested, but I just can’t take much more of her. I know I’m far too calm and passive, but I feel like it gets worse every day and she’s been rude, selfish, stroppy, moany for weeks. I’ve suffered so much with anxiety and got so weak that I know I’m not standing up to her enough, but now I’m developing a binge eating issue as when she’s difficult, I eat loads once edges in bed or snack on junk all day.
I feel like I have no relationship with her. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[Eggshells]

Could this be puberty bringing out behaviours that she has learned from her father? She’s feeling irritable and copying what she’s seen her father do to try and make herself feel better. But it probably just makes her feel worse so she takes it out on you and it just spirals.

Are you able to sit her down and ask how she feels about the relationship?

Also, she’s been through a lot. How might she feel about counselling? Puberty is hard enough without having an abusive Dad to deal with.

[diymum@1]

Your recognising this behaviour so that’s a start. My eldest was the same and she saw her dad undermine me. She started to behave like him if u look up‘ identifying with the aggressor ‘ this is very common in families who have been witness to domestic abuse. She sees you in the role of the victim. It’s horrible and it’s triggering. This is where you may have to fake it till you make it. Start to teach her about morals about how manipulation works. She’s going to need consequences for her behaviour and any disrespect towards you will need to be punished- don’t be scared to ground her or take the things she likes the most away. It’s better to be the disciplinary parent your teaching her right from wrong. Try not to over compensate for her dad. I did this and it back fired I spoiled her. My youngest gets chores and has to stick to set times for gaming to be in and for bed. It’s causes abit of moaning but she does do it! A good book I read is called the me me me generation xx it’s not easy but start as you mean to go on xx discipline means to teach so your guiding her 💕

[Anonymous]

I think it might be possible now – all her feelings an anxieties are tumbling out….because of the abuse and how it hurt her as well. She needs to be heard and this isn’t about you, it’s about her. Yes, she needs counseling. You probably do as well. The aftermath can be like this. The air is being let out… At this age everything is a ball of – they don’t know what – inside. Don’t allow her to make you the target either. You are doing that because you are overeating. This isn’t about you. And it’s time for her to have the floor but to be abusive in the process. Maybe you guys go out together and have a screaming at the top of your lungs time! Go break bottles together! That can be lovely actually, just clean up afterwards and do it where people won’t hear or see you. Just say I think we need to go let it out and just go do it! Bottles/jars, broom, dust pan, refuse bag. Throw one and yell whatever you want to!

[Anonymous]

but not to be abusive – typo

[Author]

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