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My daughter has had some Camhs sessions, she is a young teen and has been having panic attacks for a year. The sessions have partly been just her and the counsellor, (young, make and seems good at what he’s doing). He has asked me to on for part of next week’s session to see where she is with things. Last week, she had an attack whilst in there and stayed at home afterwards. We spoke a bit about her session and she got very upset and said that they spoke about something that scared her but she didn’t want to tell me. When she felt like it she told me they’d spoken about the possibility of her having Sspergers and that’s what he wants to talk about next week. We talked about it for quite a while and she said it help her to understand herself a bit more. I like to be as honest as possible with her about what I think so I said my worry was that labels can be limiting. She immediately got upset me and s bit angry, but I reassured her that I wouldn’t just dismiss this idea and agreed that it could be helpful and she was ok with that. I can see where some things would fit this diagnosis, she says she feels very socially anxious, and she is a bit obsessive about certain routines. I don’t know a lot about it yet. I think that nearly all of the things which are causing her problems are down to having an abuser a father,even though he hasn’t with us for a good few years, but the thing is I’ve never really said this to her and it wouldn’t be a good idea to tell her now either, as for the last year, since her brother went to uni and visits her dad alone (regularly but not often), he had given her more attention than he has ever done, he has a partner he seems to be settling down with and she now likes going there (which I find hard but don’t react to).
What’s hard is I want to be able to be honest on this session but can I talk about what I think caused some of these problems without saying ‘ abuse’?. If it gets back to her Dad it will just stir things up again and that’s making me worried already at the thought of it. Could I ring the counsellor and say any of this beforehand? Would he be interested? Would he, heaven forbid, think her Dad should there? Her Dad knew nothing about the panic attacks until a couple of weeks ago and I don’t intend to speak to him about any of it. When our son was self-harming as a teenager after he’d left his useful contribution was ‘he needs to sort himself out’. I think what daughter feels and is going through is normal teenage growing pains and confusion, made worse growing up in a household where all emotions were pushed down by him.
It’s difficult. My instinct is that this would be a good moment to talk properly about her childhood as I’m going to have to answer questions about it anyway but it’s getting me down already having to deal with this, especially now when I’m losing Mum.
Has anyone had any similar experience?
Eve
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My daughter has ashbergers syndrome. We too have seen probably the same guy how you describe him at cambs.
It effects my daughter by being very socially anxious and very obsessed with routines. It has made her very academic, this causes problems as she strives to be a straight A student. I would say a chat with him before hand or even whilst you are there ask to talk to him first to explain some of the things that you feel impacted this. I’m sure they would be welcome to your input and understand that you don’t really want your daughter to maybe hear. Your input and information into your daughters well being is very valuable and they will want and be interested to know. It’s hard when our children have their own stressed especially when we have our own too! Sounds like you talk to each other well and you haven’t pushed her to talk, I would say a perfect response from yourself. I know my daughter won’t talk till she is ready and when she does I have hours of worries , stresses and also laughter with her.
It’s also not about labelling but understanding the effect of Asperger syndrome. All teenagers are different and the teenager years are when it becomes more apparent due to hormones. On the plus side my daughters school have been wonderful with her she attends counciling through school once a week and because of her anxiety about sitting in various places in the class room they have been very accommodating.
I think it’s natural to stress but it is a condition that can be managed very well, I wish you luck 👍🏽 -
Hi Eve, I’ve experienced very similar situation with both my daughters after their dad was removed from the home and then the divorce. One daughter became very anxious and the other daughter was displaying autistic traits – both were seen by camhs counsellors. Like you I didn’t want their dad involved because he would have been so negative and made things worse.
I would agree that chatting things through with the counsellor on the phone first could be helpful.
Just from my own personal experience I’ve found that getting everything ‘out there’ has been the best way forward. Even though at times it’s made me feel like a bit of a failure as a mum – like you say, you don’t want to say the word abuse because as mothers we have done our best to protect our kids. But when you’re faced with a teenager who is going through a difficult time, it’s hard to hear how awful they feel because of what’s happened in the past.
To encourage you that things will pass and will get better, my eldest daughter who saw camhs last year is now so much more settled and confident. Still a little anxious, but more of a teenage angst than anything out of the ordinary.
Children are very resilient and with a loving, strong, caring mum like you, I am sure your daughter will go from strength to strength. Keep doing what you’re doing – listening, being patient, loving her where she’s at.
Take care xx -
Hi Eve,
Yes you can speak to your daughters counsellor on your own. It might be an idea to see him before the joint session and establish what his reasons are for having the joint sessions. It may be he wants your daughter to verbalise her worries to you or something? It may not necessarily be joint in the sense of an equal exchange of emotions thoughts and feelings. So establish first the reasons for the joint session, then see him beforehand.
Any therapist worth anything will know how children demonstrate emotions which reflect their world, their perceptions of their world and how they are brought up as children. “Children learn what they live” is what I was taught in my work. You sound like a caring mum and as you are modelling stable behaviour and helping with CAMHS sessions for your child, that is essential for her to grow and develop as a teenager and future responsible adult. I agree with you about the ‘ labelling’ issue. However, if she does have a formal diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, make it work positively for you both. Get the support you both need educationally, financially, psychologically etc. We know as parents of teenagers ( detail removed by moderator) it’s a difficult time. Get counselling for yourself too. See it as a gift just for you as its a time for sounding off your worries but you too can learn strategies to deal with the issues life throws at you. It will help you to deal with the emotional fallout from your daughter as therapy sessions cause behaviour issues due to the nature of talking though difficult feelings. Then there’s the days that follow to process that sessional information then life as a teenager…..its a lot to cope with for them and you. Hope that helps a little Eve. Love to you and your family, princess. Xx -
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