Day gets ruined so easily

[Sad and alone]

We were meant to be going to the shops to look at things for a business. I asked if he wanted to do something else as well and he just started saying what were we doing, and then it all went off. Getting told I have no interest in anything etc. He’s the one that comes up with ideas for everything. When I point out ideas I put forward I get told they’re not right or if he agreed with them he’ll just brush over it. I tell him what is the point in making suggestions when he just says they’re no good? You become conditioned to not coming up with anything and that’s probably what’s happened over all these years. Then I hear how I’m a failure and have been the entire time we’ve been together. I don’t bring any money in so it’s all on him and it’s not fair. Even though I’ve said about getting a job I can’t have one because I’m meant to focus on things at home. I think this stemmed from me saying about visiting a relative for a couple of days near Christmas. How he’s worried about money.

[Stargazing1]

I am so sorry to hear what is occurring for you .  As you have probably been told before this is not your fault.  My heart goes out to you.  I empathise with you .  It’s like we have to tread lightly around these people.  It’s like everything we say is incorrect.  Nothing we say is good enough.   You are allowed to have suggestions but they make us feel like we shouldn’t have them . They will slate us a lot of the time never ever questioning their behaviour.  You are not a failure please believe me you aren’t.   I’ve been in similar situations myself it’s very offensive. It’s like they want to be top dog all the time and it’s so unfair and they don’t see  that they are being unreasonable.  They will complain about anything and everything just to make them think they are IT when in fact they are not . The money situation is very similar here too .  It’s ridiculous when you are not allowed to make suggestions.  So much for men and women should be equal  . There is definitely a long way to go .  I think my other half is acting like he is because of his last marriage breakdown.  He’s so bolshy it’s unbelievable.  I really wish you wasn’t experiencing this . You haven’t done anything wrong whatsoever.  Your other half is the one in the wrong . They seem to come up with rules which if we don’t abide by they will make sure by overpowering us with their growly voices that we understand that we must do as they say . That is never right not in a million years . I’ve found myself agreeing verbally but inside thinking no I don’t agree 🤔.  I so wished things were better for you . Hoping those brighter days come quickly for you.  Take care and keep safe.

[Sad and alone]

Thank you. It’s all you want to hear isn’t it, that it really isn’t you and you haven’t done anything. I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes as I really can’t foresee what is going to trigger a reaction and it’s exhausting. He says it’s not fair if I “run away” all the time but this is me purely trying to get away from listening to him telling me what a bad person I am. And have always been. It makes you feel like you’re whole life is just a sham.
He sent me a message saying I’d effed the day up and made me so angry I confronted him. Prob a mistake but I still can’t help backing myself up. Whenever I put a genuine point to him he can’t answer he starts going on about something else. I tell him he’s playing games all the time which he denies but then next breath says he was “testing me” when he asked what we were doing today. I don’t get it. I said I am upset that my husband tells me I’m a failure and always have been. And has nothing nice to say about me. And he says he loves me but he’s just saying what is reality. You don’t treat someone you love like that. You just don’t. I’m sure you don’t.

[Sad and alone]

And now he is walking around like the injured party. He says I am making him ill. With ulcers or headaches or saying he can’t see properly, his vision is going, it’s all my fault. So then I feel bad. And I know I’ll be so desperate for some sort of affection I’ll prob end up apologising. All this from literally I don’t know what. Him making assumptions about me or thinking he knows me and trying to catch me out or test me. What was meant to be a day out of this place just got ruined and somehow it’s my fault.

[Stargazing1]

Well it’s definitely isn’t your fault.  It’s just him making you feel like it is but it definitely isn’t.  He shouldn’t be putting you down if he loves you . He shouldn’t be making you feel that way but you already know that . My heart goes out to you because you truly don’t deserve this behavior from him.  We should be allowed to ask questions my God it’s ridiculous when we get to a stage when we can’t ask a question.  I get it in the neck if I have a different opinion from him it’s like I have to agree with everything he says.  No I don’t but if I disagree I get my head ripped off . It’s awful what these people do . You don’t deserve this not one bit .  I think we have all been in that situation where we apologise but it’s not necessarily our  time to apologise but we do . Your not on your own in that situation.  It’s so good that we have here to get out our frustration.  I also get that where we feel our heads are messy it’s all part of it isn’t it . They just want to rule us . Hopefully strength in numbers will tackle all these issues 🙏.  Just look after yourself and just remember it’s not you . It’s him . They are bullies in reality.  Bullies are usually insecure people.  We are not that’s why we don’t do it .  I don’t know about you but I sometimes wished I’d stayed single  .  Your in the right he’s in the wrong please remember that fact . Take care and keep safe 🙏. Best wishes ❤️

[Sad and alone]

Life hasn’t turned out the way I imagined that’s for sure.
I made the first move and asked if we were going to sort things out. Something he always says I don’t do because I’d rather be miserable. But from there he just went off on one again. Says he hates where we live and wishes we never moved. I cancelled seeing my relative. I think that is what started everything off.

[Stargazing1]

If you are wanting to get out of this relationship if that’s what you want to do go for it .  But that’s not I’m telling you to do that’s something to consider if life hasn’t turned out the way you thought it would.   You could put your house up for sale and move maybe and then see if that makes any difference.  It’s so easy to blame others for things in life which it sounds like he is doing.  Being told your wrong on a regular basis is not nice for you .  I sincerely wish you wasn’t dealing with what you are dealing with you don’t deserve it . Saying you wanted to visit a relative is no reason to be bolshy with you . I think these people have serious ingrained issues and they seem to think it’s OK to take it out on the people close to them . In my eyes is terrible.  I hope and pray one day you get your happiness back and hopefully soon .  I may not give very good answers to people.  Maybe others here could give far far better answers than I do .  My heart goes out to you and I empathise with you . All of us on the forum are in the same boat . We live in hope     hoping these people will change.  My conclusion is a leopard doesn’t change its spots . I myself haven’t found the courage or strength to leave yet . I hope to achieve this one day.   Don’t be angry with yourself it’s not you .  Some people just don’t have empathy for others they just don’t.    I’m am still so terribly sorry you are dealing with this and I truly hope for better days ahead for you .   Look after you because you are important.  Just try to remember in your mind it’s not you .  It’s coming to something when we have to watch what we say . We shouldn’t have to put up with such rubbish.  Please please please take care.  Best wishes

[Stargazing1]

I class myself as a coward for not leaving.  I’ve tried twice now and it’s never properly worked out as I would like it too .   I hope to get there one day .    I know some people talk about couples therapy but I know for a fact my other half wouldn’t do anything like that as far as my other half is concerned stuff like that is beneath him .    I’m in the dog house again here .  But I’m keeping a log of stuff so  I have evidence for future reference.   They don’t change.  They are them and as far as they are conscious they are doing nothing wrong.   Just look after yourself please.  Take care

[Sad and alone]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with these things too. You’re ahead of me as I’ve never made an attempt to leave. The closest has been when I drove to a relatives a couple of hours away without saying anything. But then I felt guilty and wished I hadn’t. Or he says he’ll take me to the train station as sometimes he tells me to go but then if I say fine he says he doesn’t want me to.

I think one of the worst things is when you’re chatting and things seem “normal” and you forget yourself, and forget how they’ve been, and then they snap at you or make a sarcastic or derogatory comment. It’s like I’m just here for him to insult as and when he feels like it. But it’s hurtful as you get sucked into feeling like things are okay. I can’t trust him. But all these years together and the familiarity take over. I have to learn a new way of thinking almost. Is how it feels.

It’s not nice being put down at all. I used to be called a moron, now the new thing is I’m not a woman. I have to hear how a “real woman” would do xyz. Still called a failure. Told I’ve always been a failure. Just makes you feel like your whole life has been a waste.

[Sad and alone]

Still struggling with these outbursts. And then if I’m upset by it get told I’m sulking and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Doing a mundane task, I start doing it one way, the way I like to do it, and he says do it another way. Then if I say anything he claims I’m being argumentative. Why is me wanting to do things my way argumentative?

Then after previously saying about purchasing something, I’m looking at them online, and he says why am I doing it. Why do I want it. How it was for a business which he has decided to sack off as he says I have no interest in it so why am I looking. Then starts on about how a “real woman” would do whatever. Then I’m sulking. Then I’m on social media all the time and I should use the phone to make money. Then how he has all the worry of bringing money in despite him choosing not to work much and not letting me get a job.

[Sad and alone]

He constantly says I’m on my phone all the time, accusing me of being on social media. How social media is for idiots who just sit and scroll. When I’m not on it much at all. Whenever he sees me on my phone he assumes I’m doing that. He thinks he knows me so well and I’m not even allowed to say what I’m like.

[Sad and alone]

I can’t go yet. I can’t leave my pet. I can’t take them with me. If I ever left this would be the one thing that would draw me back in. If they were ill etc. They’re elderly now and I can’t bear to leave them.

[Stargazing1]

I apologise this reply is late . I wasn’t feeling well for a few days  so I didn’t get back to you as early as I should have.   Just because you haven’t made arrangements to leave it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen at some point . I’ve backed out twice then I regret it . Your other half putting you down all the time is so out of order it’s despicable.  You don’t deserve to be called names or put down.  I still believe that people who do this are very insecure . My heart goes out to you because you definitely don’t deserve it .  From what you have said your not being argumentative at all it sounds like your other half just gets off on belittling you which obviously is not on . I am so truly sorry you are dealing with such awful abuse . You deserve so much better than this .  My other half used to complain when my phone pinged like when I got a message.  I’ve had to put my phone constantly on silent because I can’t deal with being told im doing something wrong by my phone alerting me I’ve a message or something.  I don’t know who or what these people think they are . I understand about the pet issue especially with the pet/  pets being older  it is so very difficult.      I’ve been made aware it takes on average a person 7 times to leave these kind of relationships.   That just shows how much it takes to leave.  My heart goes out to you now and always.   One good thing about this forum is we can chat about the issue we have to deal with on a daily basis and it’s our space.      On and off  I’ve blamed myself for all the things that are going wrong.   There was an issue (timeframe removed by Moderator) and I got shouted at really badly again . I was told how ungrateful I am . How I should not have been saying what I said and I’m totally wrong about most things.  I have also been slated for having adhd too .  I started to feel panicked and stressed .  I told my other half that his shouting had affected how I was feeling and made me feel anxious.  He never apologised or anything.      I don’t know if I am to blame or not but my feelings have been hurt that’s all I know.    Just please take care of yourself and keep safe .  So sorry for a late response and also sorry for a long reply.

[Stargazing1]

I don’t know about you but I talk to him like he’s done nothing to upset me .    Like he’s never wrong.   He can talk to me really badly and apparently that’s OK.   It’s just not fair .

[Stargazing1]

I am wondering if I deserve to be shouted at . I really do.

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