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    • #38209
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      (Detail removed by moderator). My mother has “cut me off” since I asked her to stop the nasty comments towards me and about me to my children. I have tried to rise above it. I have included her in the kids school concerts, trips out over holidays, which she has come along to. Then she invites my children out for a “family celebration meal” for (removed by moderator) and I am not invited. Not only not invited but I’ve been told I am not to come along. (Removed by moderator) I have to drop my children off, while they go out for their family celebration and I’m not invited. My son said he wouldn’t go if that was the case but I’ve made light of it, said they should go, that it’s not a problem as I don’t want them to miss out or play into her hands. This has come about after several incidents where she has been insulting, along with her husband and controlling. I asked it to stop, calmly and respectfully and she became verbally abusive. When she said she was taking the children out after months of no contact with them…we live in the same town, (removed by moderator) drive away…I asked if she would maybe make a bit more of an effort to see them as the way they had been dropped was very hurtful to them. I said if she’d rather see them without me then that’s ok. I got a very rude message back telling me that (removed by moderator) .. .not asking, telling me and that I would not be invited to (removed by moderator). I didn’t respond right away but after some time set out very clearly but without any insults or nastiness that I won’t tolerate ill treatment by her any longer. For the first time in my life I pointed out all the horrible childhood experiences I have had at her hands growing up and how I’m now a grown woman and I can choose not to have this happen to me in future. My mother has very much rewritten the past and potrayed herself as mother Theresa to her now husband. My experiences growing up could not have been further from this depiction and through therapy u have realised that I was not actually responsible for the way I was treated. I explained that I understood she was unhappy, possibly depressed and I’m sure she did the best she could, just as I am trying to do the best I can. I explained though that I cannot let her inforce this treatment on my any longer and if she felt she could not stop herself from insulting me as a person then it probably was best that she cut me out of her life but I would like her to think about her actions and wether or not she really felt she was being fair. She has cut me out. She has made very damaging statements about my “mental issues” to other friends and family and to my children. She has had many of her trademark hysterical meltdowns where she loudly proclaims she cannot believe “this is being done to her” whilst ignoring what has actually been said. I have asked her politely that she stop making comments about my parenting to my children and if she has any real concerns that she direct them to me and if she feels unable to do that then to go ahead and inform social services of she feels it’s necessary. I work, I look after my children. I am either doing one or the other. They are never left for me to go and do anything for myself because I choose to be fully present in their lives. They are all doing well at school, (removed by moderator). They are happy, they greet me with huge hugs every day and know that they are valued. My mother seems to feel and has told people that she has had to bring them up as she helped with after school care the days I worked. She would contantky talk over me, undermine me, ask them to keep secrets from me and when I tried to explain that I appreciate her help but I am their mother she chose to spit venom in my face as she has done repeatedly to me all my life. Never once apologising after. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing today. I don’t know if I should be cutting her off from them but feel this is playing into her hands. I just don’t trust my own judgement, largely because of the way she makes me feel. She is very different with my kids compared to how she was with me but u suspect she sees that as redemption to some extent. She has cut off anyone on her family who has ever objected to the the way she talks to people. She has caused my sister huge issues in the past which I have been left to help her with. At the moment though she has my sister firmly in her favour and me on the outside as its suiting her to do so. This means I have basically lost my whole family. It’s very upsetting and hard to keep my mind clear that I’m not deserving of this. Has anyone ever had their mother cause problems with their children? I feel like she’s waiting for me to act in any way uncontrolled or that could be interpreted as such so that she can give credence to my “mental issues”. It’s very pressurised. I’ve just never stood up to her properly before. Never in any way actually. It’s making me feel anxious. Sorry for rant but my head is struggling to process it all on my own. My friends are great, are glad I’m taking a stand and are supportive but when your own mother is branding you as unstable and an unfit mother it’s very damaging. Has anyone experienced anything like this? X*x

    • #38285
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Escaped not free,

      I am sorry to hear how your mother is making you feel and how she is behaving. It must be so difficult to have a battle about the care of your children and to be isolated from your family when you have tried to include her. It is clear from your post that your are a great mum and your children are your priority. Believe in yourself and your judgement.

      I hope it has helped to offload on here, please do keep posting when you can.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #38287
      Ayanna
      Participant

      My parents tried to undermine my sister.
      My parents were violent and emotionally abusive and controlling when we were children.
      My sister withdrew from my parents and rarely visited them. They could only watch from far how their grand children grew up to young adults. They were hurt and never found an explanation for her ‘behaviour'( How strange … 🙂 )
      My sister never let them interfere or get involved with anything concerning her children. She had enough problems with her husband. Her husband is a weakling and it seems he was unfaithful.
      They sorted it out and are still together and it seems they are a team now that they grow old. He is too sick to be stupid anymore, that is the truth behind the peace.
      I think my sister escaped a lot of trouble by just cutting our parents out of her family’s life. Her children are wonderful people and they go to uni one after the other.

      Maybe you can arrange child care for your children through other routes when you need that and get rid of your mother entirely. You suffered enough and all you deserve is a peaceful life.

      When we have abusive parents we are tied to them via invisible strings. The psychology behind this is scary.
      It requires enormous strength to cut out abusive parents.
      See yourself as a strong warrior queen who tears apart all those ties that keep you down. Free yourself with one big effort and make this a forever decision.

    • #38308
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Your mum sounds like a n********t ENF. I’m unsure why you want your children around her tbh; they are your children and if she wants a relationship with them that also means having a respectful relationship with you. There are quite a few good books out there on how to deal with a n**********c mother and lots on google as well.

      It is absolutely not OK for her to speak in a derogatory way about you in front of them and for this reason alone I would pull them out. She is not considering how the children feel at all is she? They will be hurt and confused by what she says. She could be damaging your relationship with them – disarming you as a parent – what if they really need to come to you for help with something but do not because of what she has said to them?

      It sounds to me that you are working over time trying to think about the best way to deal with this for your children; sadly, although you think you are partly responsible to fix it for them, because you are a caring parent wanting to do the right thing, it is not actually your responsibility – it is your mother’s – if she can’t understand that you need to feel respected then there is no option other than to cut contact until she can.

      All you’ve done is ask her to be respectful, which she needs to be, she sounds like childlike to me, just my opinion but it seems to me the best thing you can do in this situation is spell it out to her exactly the reasons why you are walking away – with your children. You could say you would be happy for her to be part of your lives if she can respect you and their feelings and never berate you ever again in front of them. Personally, I wouldnt want them spending any time alone together until she’s proved she can do this – a long way down the line now.

      I would then see what happens, and if it turns into weeks and you hear nothing and the children start to ask about her, I would tell them the truth of it, in a child centred way, not the adult version, in a way they can understand and relate to; if someone is struggling to be nice then it is best to walk away until they want to be nice to you – this applies to everyone we know, including those we love; sometimes grown ups have struggles too and this needs sorting out as so it makes it ok for all of us – or something like. Think about what life lesson you want them to get out of this. What’s the positive message? If this was a child in the playground acting this way what would you say to them? Give them plenty of opportunity to ask anything they want about what has been said as well. Help them to see that it is grannys choice now that determines what happens next. I’m sure you could find the right words if you think about it. Parentline might be a good resource to use, you could talk it through with them.

      I would also be inclined to spend some time just you and your sister if this is what you want – and maybe agree that atm it would be better not to discuss mum at all when you meet – see if you two can develop a relationship without her infecting it.

      Her smear campaign is hurtful and upsetting – but you can’t do a thing about it – except to remember those that know you know it is not true and that is all that matters.

      Obs these are all just my thoughts, you may not agree and thats ok isnt it – if anything I’ve said helps to shape your thinking then great, you will know what is right for you and your children better than anyone wont you x

    • #38390
      Jupiter
      Participant

      Hi Escaped notfree

      My heart goes out to you as my mother was the same all my life into adulthood and she showed her true colours when I most needed her support.She abused me growing up and when a victim of dom abuse chose not to believe me and went onto my ex’s side (detail removed by Moderator). Like you, she pulled me down, no matter what I did never praised me and enjoyed making fun of me when it was undeserved.She joined my ex in making amateur diagnosis of my mental health eg unstable, neurotic, psychotic, unfit mother, paranoid etc etc which is very painful and scary as you know. Like you I didnt know how to sort the situation until I read an article about divorcing your mother in a magazine.It sounds harsh but an option if someone continues terrible abuse. I stopped seeing her but honoured her birthday and christmas so she wasnt totally cut off.My sister criticised me over the split but then she didnt receive the cruel words or have her own children or suffer betrayal.I still think I made the right choice .Sometimes it is about self preservation for us and our youngsters.
      Jupiter x

    • #42109
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Hello jupiter.

      Sorry for being away so long and taking so long to say thank you. Had an awful lot going on to deal with. Kids exams and one of my boys had (detail removed by Moderator) and not long out of hospital. I have gone no contact with my mother, or actually I suppose more accurately she did this with me. Because I pointed out, not in a bad way but very factual I guess about how my childhood and adolescence was affected by her unhappiness and resultant inability to allow me to be and an unfair level of responsibility placed on my young shoulders to bring up my brother and sister. I pointed out that I know she was doing the best she could at the time and asked her to respect that I am also doing the best I can. I know for a fact I’m not doing to my children what was done to me but I’m human and therefore make mistakes. As a result I have lost all my family as she has told them I’ve cut myself off from everyone and I’m not right in the head, I blame everyone in my family for my “issues”, all untrue and she has developed a lot of self diagnosed health problems that I apparently have caused by my “behaviour”. My ex continues to behave badly and ignore his responsibilities for his children and tells me all the time how he is keeping my mother up to date on “everything I’m doing”.
      Is really like to know Jupiter or anyone if they have experienced similar and what that experience was. My friends all have supportive and while at times difficult mothers they are all essentially kind women. I’m struggling trying to think work out how, if one of my children came to me and said things you did to me in my childhood have left me with problems, I would move heaven and earth to put it right. I would not call it diatribe and refuse to speak of it and actually loose my dughter altogether rather than put things right. Has this been anyone else’s experience with their mothers?
      Thank you. X

    • #42268
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Escaped Not Free,

      I came across the most amazing article only yesterday about the ‘mother wound’ caused by a difficult relationship with one’s mother.

      It has helped me so much. I think it’s seriously helped me to see exactly how the problem has blighted my life so far and what to do about it.

      I will PM you the link.

      If anyone else wants me to do so, I can x

    • #46032
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Fizzylem and serenity I just wanted to say sorry for not thanking you sooner for your advice and support on this topic.
      My mother has still “cut me off” to “protect” herself from me. Which is interesting as the only time I ever contacted her was in response to her contact and to clarify boundaries and correct inaccuracies in the things she was saying about me.
      My children now have fairly regular contact with her, when she chooses through my ex. She could see them weekly like this but chooses to make a huge fuss of them every month or two instead and tell them how much she misses them, acts like the grandparent from heaven for a few hours, whilst planting all the stuff they are missing with their cousins, goes on about how wonderful their cousins are which she must do in a manipulative way as my daughter finds it hurtful, she’s clearly showing preference, then she’s done. My younger kids then feel sorry for her, and feel akward about why I have cut her off. She’s so manipulative as none of this was my decision I simply asked her to stop certain behaviours I found offensive.
      My kids are spending time with her again for a few days as I insisted my ex take a share of the holidays the days I’m at work so he very nastily has arranged not to spend time with his children but send them to my mothers and told me if I want them back I have to go and pick them up there. I haven’t seen her in a long long time and have no desire to.
      I’m working nightshifts right now which leaves me exhausted and feeling vulnerable, money worries and feel incredibly alone.
      I’ve re read the things you posted back to help me through this time. Thank you. I haven’t been here in a long time as I’ve had masses going on with kids and work and no room to consider my thoughts or feelings on anything. Sorry for not saying thank you sooner. X

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