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    • #45362
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Hi wonderful ladies

      I have recently left a long term abusive relationship and am dealing with the emotional aftermath. One of the things I have to deal with is my guilt that I was a bad parent to my daughters while in that relationship.

      I want to start the process of repairing this relationship. I know it’s a long term process but I wanted to start it by being totally open and honest about what happened.

      I have penned the letter below to them. I don’t know if it is appropriate to read them this letter, or whether I should just talk to them and keep it for a while until they are older. Writing this letter has in itself been emotional but very helpful in terms of organising my thoughts on all that has happened.

      Anyway before I do anything with it I wanted to get some insight from women like you. This is a long post but if you could read it and advise me I would really value your opinion.

      Just to be clear the boyfriend wasn’t the girls father. I was with their father until a few years ago, met this abusive boyfriend and left my husband to be with him (another source of guilt.)

      Dear girls

      This is a very hard letter to write. It’s about something that was happening to Mummy for a long time, that affected and changed me. Mummy was being hurt by her boyfriend for [detail removed by moderator] years. I am no longer being hurt because I don’t see this person any more.

      Firstly, I want to explain what I mean by ‘hurting’ me. Then I want to explain why it is so important that I tell you about it, even though if I could magically not remember it or make it have not happened I would.

      By hurt I mean different things. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail, because I don’t want to upset you. By hurt I mean, what you would think of first of all. Physical things like hitting, kicking, smacking, pushing. Also making me scared of what would happen (threatening.) By hurting I also mean saying bad things, like describing me or things I do or people I know in a nasty way. He did other less obvious things, like ignoring me, not trusting me to do the right thing, or checking what I was doing very very often.

      Sadly, there are many different things that people can do to hurt other people. You girls have talked a bit at school and at home about bullying, so you can understand that when people talk about ‘bullying’ they might be talking about lots of different things. The person might hurt you by hitting you, or they might make you feel silly, or they might leave you out. You also know the closer you are to someone, the more hurtful these things are, and also you will probably know that people who hurt or bully are often sad and hurting themselves.

      There are two reasons that I need to tell you why mummy was being hurt by my boyfriend for a long time. The first reason is that, sadly, you need to know that although most people would never hurt you, some people do hurt other people. You need to know this so that you can protect yourself from being hurt, as much as is possible. You need to understand when you are in danger of being hurt, so you can get help or get out of a situation before bad stuff happens. We will talk a lot about this topic as you grow older. I want you to be safe.

      The other reason I am telling you about my being bullied, or let’s use another word, abused, by my boyfriend is that you need to understand the effect that this hurt has had on Mummy. Again I don’t want to cause you a lot of pain but I do want you understand it, as much as you can.

      When I was being abused I was always worried. Even when there weren’t bad things being said or done at that time, I always thought that they might. This feeling is called ‘walking on egg shells.’ You have probably felt this yourself, when you have had a teacher or a friend who could get cross a lot. It means that even when this person seems fine, you can’t relax because you feel like any moment things could go wrong and everyone will be upset.

      Mummy was walking on eggshells all day, everyday. I was very distracted. I was always worried that my boyfriend would be cross. He often was. It was because he felt sad and left out and didn’t know how to talk about it without getting cross with Mummy all the time and finding ways to get my attention. This meant I found it extremely hard to concentrate on the other important things I have to do. For instance I found it very hard to properly focus on my job. I found it hard to be a good friend/ sister and daughter. It makes me very very sad to say I also found it very hard to be a good mummy.

      You girls are very wise and perceptive (good at knowing what is happening) so I know this is something that you will have already realised. You would have noticed that when I was taking phone calls I was often upset. My voice would have sounded sad and panicky. When I wasn’t on the phone I was always worried and sometimes cross and having to check my phone a lot. This is something I felt terrible about when it was happening and it still makes me feel awful that I wasn’t able to give you my full attention all the time.

      Being your mummy is the most important thing in the whole world. Whatever is happening at work or with my friends or in the world, you girls are my priority. I am still very upset that I spent a long time not being a good a mummy as I should have been. It will take me a while to forgive myself. It may take you some time to forgive me or trust me to be a good mummy and I have to understand that.

      When we have an injury, like we fall over and get a wound, it takes a while to heal. The pain goes but the skin takes time to repair. It is like that with emotional things too. The wound needs time and space to heal.

      Even though I am sad about how things were, and I won’t forget the fear and the sadness and confusion, I am so happy and full of joy that I am no longer with that boyfriend and no longer being abused. I am not worried and sad anymore. Most importantly I have the space and time I need and I am getting well enough to be a good mummy again.

      Spending lots of time with you girls and being able to give you lots of attention on our ‘mummy days’, when we are together is the main thing that is making the wounds I talked about heal. I want to say something like, spending time with you makes me ‘happy’, but it is more than happiness. Spending time together, doing special things (like trips and adventures) but also normal every day things like eating breakfast together and walking to school, is like very important medicine or like delicious fruit that keeps us healthy and helps us grow.

      Before I finish this letter, I want to write a little bit about relationships. I want to write a little bit here about relationships because I want to spend a lot of time to talking to you, not just today and tomorrow but often about this very important topic. You already have many relationships, lots of people in your life; you have each other, your mummy, your daddy, your family, friends, people from school, people you meet at the park or activities.

      Everyday you need to find ways to work and live with and talk to others. This is part of growing up and it is sometimes really a challenge to get right. You two are doing really well. You are kind and caring with your family and you friends. You listen to your teachers and let them teach you. You are polite to people you don’t know but who help you, like dentists or people who work in shops. You are worried and say no if something is not quite right, like a few months ago when a man you didn’t know in a cafe wanted to buy you chocolate.

      I said that I want to talk about relationships a lot because helping you two learn about relationships is part of my job (or ‘role’ is a better word) as a mummy. Your daddy and other people like your grandparents and teachers, will also help you. This help will happen at the same time as you learn from your own experiences. You will learn how best to help your friends when they are upset. You will continue to learn how to tell if people around you are people you can trust and welcome into your life or people you need to be careful with.

      Because this letter has been about a very painful thing that was happening to me, the abuse and bullying from my ex boyfriend, it has had to include sad things. It might make it seem like I am saying relationships are hard work or that there are lots of bad things about relationships. Even though I want you to go through life being very careful and aware, I don’t want you to feel worried or scared about relationships. Relationships are really important and healthy relationships make life wonderful and meaningful.

      As I said, we will talk and talk and talk about relationships. I hope you feel like you can talk to me and share with me anything that is on your mind about them, for instance if you are worried about how things are with your friends, or if you think a grown up that you know is behaving strangely towards you. We will also continue to spend lots of time together, you girls and me. I am your mummy and that is the best and most important and wonderful thing ever.

      I love you

      Mummy

    • #45367
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there. Its avery brave letter and im glad it helped you but i think its way to much for young children. Im assuming theyre young as you sign it mummy. I think its enough to say you met a bully and didnt realise it until he had made you very sad. This is the kind of letter i would have written in the early days. I see things totally different now. I dont have that desperate feeling to protect my child and the rest of the world. The FOG has cleared and most of the panic gone. I think this kind of letter could haunt them. Could make them think that they could have helped you. Kids are very resilient. As long as they can see you happy and healthy i think thats all they really want to feel safe and secure. Keep the letter somewhere safe and keep writing them if they make you feel better. Just dont give them. Just my opinion. You will feel totally different again in six months. Six months further down the road to recovery.

    • #45370
      Dragonfly
      Participant

      Hi

      I’ve wrote many letters but not sent them. The last lot I wrote was to two family members explaining what they need to do if I die! Telling them where to find my paperwork, my will etc. I was in a very bad place at that time. I also wrote one to my son, very similar to yours, didn’t give it to him. I just spoke to him. Apologised and tried to explain. He obv knows I was attacked and it really upset him.

      Just keep talking to your children. Answer their questions. Live a normal life with them. They love you.

    • #45385
      Pondlife
      Participant

      That’s really really helpful.

      I think writing this letter helped me but it is a lot to put onto them.

      Also I am trying to kind of fast track a process of recovery and healing which will take a long time and will be about everyday love and decent parenting and slow build up of trust

      Thanks for that insight. It really helps to have perspective from people who have been out of a relationship longer and who can see the wood from the trees. For me it is quite new. I am full of adrenaline and trying to fix stuff.

      X*x

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