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    • #105119
      AngryBird
      Participant

      I recently split from my emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusive ex. Had to get a court order to get him out our home. He is using the kids to try to keep controlling me. He is trying to force me to do what he wants if I want the kids to have contact. He stopped answering their calls from my phone. This is upsetting for them but after a few weeks of no contact they seemed more settled. He wants video calls with them without me there but they are young, need my supervision and he keeps saying inappropriate things to them like blaming me for him moving out, for him having no money, for not being able to see them in person.
      For a short time I was not listening in to the calls, which was what he asked for repeatedly, but WA helped me see that’s risky and also an unreasonable demand from my ex. I overheard concerning things when he answered a call this week so now I will monitor all calls. If he is saying inappropriate things eg bad things about me, should I stop the call or just speak to the kids after? It’s not name callin, which the kids would be upset by, but more subtle stuff.
      Also do I try to maintain some normal contact, e.g send a fathers day card from the kids, or not bother? It feels mean not to, and might upset the kids if he brings up not getting a card, but these are not normal circumstances

    • #105122
      KIP.
      Participant

      Have as little communication as possible. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Parental alienation is what he’s trying to do. It’s child abuse. You can see how settled they are without contact. I’d push for access only via a contact centre where his interactions are supervised. Don’t send any sort of card from the kids. He’s going to abuse them no matter what you do and he’s going to use anything and anyone to further control and abuse you. So absolutely zero contact. Be guided by women’s aid. You can see he’s not interested in the welfare of the kids. They’re being exposed to mind games and manipulative behaviour and will learn from him x stay safe x

    • #105123
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi Angrybird,

      This is a really difficult topic to get right in my opinion. I know exactly what you mean by the manipulative and inappropriate calls because my ex did this to our son too. My ex would (detail removed by moderator) but our son was too young to be able to have a proper conversation and his attention span would be gone within a minute. He was far too young to understand how a meaningful relationship can be maintained and developed over a phone call. I started off listening in to the conversations and my ex would say to my son things like “Mummy is mean isn’t she, she took you away from daddy and that’s a really cruel thing to do.” When I’d hear this I’d terminate the calls, but my ex successfully used this in court proceedings that I was preventing telephone contact. In the end, interim proceedings were issued that he was allowed one phone call a week and I WAS NOT to monitor it.

      I know full well that abusers continue to abuse via our children, so do Child Services, but Courts still award unsupervised contact.

      My ex would (detail removed by moderator), he would prevent our son from having telephone contact with any member of my family, so when it was my mum’s birthday on my ex’s contact weekend my son was not allowed to phone his Grandma and wish her a happy birthday. Yet the family law solicitor and courts class this sort of thing as ‘petty dramas’.

      Leaving an abusive relationship means we have to navigate a process that systematically fails at times. The system seems more geared to give the abusers rights than the victims, both in criminal and civil courts. Protective mothers are deemed to be ‘vindictive’, ‘hysterical’, ‘unstable’, etc, when all we are doing is trying to protect our children from the evil behaviours of a man we know better than anyone else in the world. There is still an outdated belief system that a child needs both parents to grow up well adjusted and happy. Yet there are many happy and successful people in the world who have been raised by one parent alone.

      There is now the issue of Parental Alienation to contend with on both sides. I DID get my son to send birthday cards and Father’s Day cards to his dad, but I would ask him first if he wanted to send daddy something. He would say he did, so I bought them, he wrote them and I posted them.

      I believe every case is different though, so we have to act on our own judgement. If I didn’t have a son with my abuser I would have gone zero contact, absolutely, but I found that in the best interests of my son, I had to have contact at times when it was necessary. The courts awarded contact to my ex, so I had to abide with it, otherwise, I would face contempt of court. If I was seen to be doing anything that could potentially be classed as Parental Alienation, then my ex could have applied for more contact, or even full residency. The court assessments favoured contact and there was nothing I could do about it.

      All I can suggest is that you keep a diary of everything, times of calls, duration of calls, what was discussed, how the children behaved during and afterwards. The courts may not be willing to allow all of this documentation as evidence, but it will help you make bullet points and to link certain behaviours in your children to certain events. Since my case went through Family Court there has been some mention of reform and that automatic contact for abusers should not be assumed.

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