Dealing with grief

[Catjam]

How do they deal with grief? When my brother died I had to be strong for my dad and sister. At that time I didn’t know anything about abuse, I turned to him as I always have. One of our children wanted to come to the funeral to support me but it was their first so I asked him to look after our child so I could be with my dad. But then a few months later he accused me of putting my family before him and did I not realise how humiliating it was to be pushed out like that. Then my best friend died and he seemed very supportive but I remember a couple of times being upset and it was a oh what’s up now type thing so I stopped in front of him. Then a work colleague died and the day I found out he accused me of an affair something he denies totally.
But now it’s his turn, our pet has not long left and is very ill. He is distraught and also angry. I have been the primary care giver but it’s his pet. It’s almost like my feelings are not as important so I cry on my own and comfort him. I feel like I have never been able to grieve properly for the people I have lost.
Do they feel loss like we do? I know when this pet dies it will be horrible and my life will be put on hold to comfort him. Even the kids are worried about the pet but are dreading his reaction. I usually and probably will on this occasion is encourage him to get out and do the latest hobby but then I realise that’s what he wants. But he will come back all red eyed and cling to me. He gets so clingy, pulling on me to move me closer, practically sleeping on me and of course he needs sex to make him feel better.
I have so much anger in me, it’s like a ball in my chest but to everyone else I am just me. Plain old me who always smiles and is happy to help. He holds me and cries for this pet but I just want to scream at him.

[Hetty]

I’m not surprised you’re so angry after the way he has behaved towards you when you needed support the most. Men like this can’t stand for us to have needs. They are only placated when it’s all about them and when it’s not they will create drama to reset the balance in their favour. When they do offer support it usually comes at a price. Give with one hand and take with another. It’s always all about them so usually the giving of support is only a means to make themselves feel good or look good to others. My husband will offer loads of support but it’s like I have to kiss his feet and worship him. They can only do this for so long before it needs to be about them again.

[KIP.]

Absolutely agree with Hetty. They are dysfunctional and you won’t be able to grieve or even function is a healthy way while you’re being abused and treated so badly. It’s also affecting your children. Please reach out to women’s aid. Pop in to your local branch or ring the helpline. These men simply move the goal posts too. So nothing you will do will even be right. They don’t want you to be right. They get pleasure from watching you suffer. They’re selfish and self centred. My mental health broke so badly I couldn’t work or leave the house. All down to his behaviour x

[Iwantmeback]

My mum passed away recently as did my dog, I have yet to grieve. I left him not long afterwards. He wasn’t there for me refusing to go to the funeral saying all sorts. Yet when any of his family have died i was always there for him. They can’t stand anything taking our attention from them, they are self centred, selfish ba…drs.

[Cecile]

I have had the same experiences.Reading these is like deja vu. When my closest parent died last year (details changed for anonymity) he stonewalled me- not a ‘sorry’ or a comment or asking me how I felt- nada. I went to the funeral on my own and when I came back he still did not refer to this very sad event. He waited until I came to the end of a sentence describing the funeral and he said ‘no body really likes you, do they? Not a single person. Every one hates you’.
Stunned into silence, I was then distracted by my phone beeping- I had loads of texts and messages and invitations from friends and family with whom I was briefly reunited at the funeral, whom I had not seen for a long time. This saved my sanity and I pointed out to him the contrast between what he said and what the people on my phone were saying. He shut up, looking taken aback. I still have to hear a single kind or empathic word from him about my dead parent.
Glad I came on here tonight- not to be reminded of sad bereavements, but I needed to jog my memory after a day of sighs and weeping and much acting from the oh.

[fizzylem]

He left me to get on with it, quite literally, when I lost my dad he walked out; what an idiot I was to take him back after this?! Where was my head at?! Wanted to be loved I guess, hadnt worked out that his kind of love wasn’t love or that I didn’t need him. Can see so clearly now that at that time he thought I’m not dealing with this, she’s no use to me while she’s greiving. Cold and callous. Horrid.

When we love selflessly we step in and towards don’t we when someone we love is suffering. We even try to do this when we dont like the person in front of us because that is the human thing to do – costs us though hey – means putting how you feel to one side in an attempt to give him what he needs. In any other situation I would say this is admirable, but when in an abusive situation normal logic doesn’t apply, your safety needs to come first, above his needs. Chances are when we do this for someone we feel indifferent towards, in their hour of need we come to see our human similarities, maybe even realise that our indifference isn’t really that important; but this doesnt apply here does it, because his behaviour has been unacceptable, for a long time.

Sounds like you’ve got nothing to give to him anymore Catjam and that’s just how it is – he’s kicked you and the relationship for so long there’s nothing left x

[Catjam]

Reading your experiences makes me feel so sad. Mine is caring at the moment of loss but then uses it against me later but then I feel I imagine it. That I am making it worse in my head. I watch him tend to his pet that is so ill and I feel sad and slightly jealous that I don’t get that care and attention. How sad is that? I was seriously ill a few years back and while he was there, he didn’t look after me. I remember coming home after (detail removed by moderator) weeks in hospital to his entire washing and a bed that was disgusting. Yet he is hand feeding this pet, going to buy special food and crying at the thought of losing her.
Thank you all for your continued support, it means a lot xx

[KIP.]

When they sense any weakness, they go for the jugular. Grief, illness, stress. All weaken us. A life partner should be there at this time of need, but for abusers it’s an opportunity to gain the upper hand. He won’t change and abuse always gets worse. One of the reasons I decided to end it was my parents were getting old and needed me more and this would make him jealous and trigger his abuse because he wasn’t first in the queue anymore. Even with his own parents he told me he wasn’t going to spend his retirement looking after old people. Sad little people x

[Catjam]

He did look after his dad but I sometimes felt it was more about image. Until I stopped work to do it full time then he rarely went round. Everyone thinks he is an amazing guy who worships me and our kids. Especially now he is so grief stricken about his pet. They think he is so caring which leaves me confused.

[KIP.]

Never mind what anybody else thinks of him. They don’t live with him and know him the way you do. You would be surprised what they really think of him. I thought the same then when I actually asked people after we broke up, they didn’t like him at all. You looked after his father full time and he rarely went round. Image is very important to them but only for so long. Then they move on to another project. When my ex first retired he became son of the year, then slowly when the praising and compliments stopped because he was only doing what children do for their parents, he slowly stopped going. Then when his mum died he acted like it was all about him. Dysfunction at its worst.

[Catjam]

Our pet has died, it’s so hard. You get into such a routine in caring for them and as expected he is totally selfish in his grief. Although he blind sided me today, said he understood he was not being fair that I was clearly suffering too but obviously being strong for him and our youngest who was at home when the pet collapsed. It floored me, he has never done anything like that. I don’t know what to think or feel. Part of me is over joyed but the other is suspicious and wary. Oh and so tired, so very tired.

[Woollymammal]

When my daughter was killed, the abuse stepped up, th is was really the 1st time I actually questioned why he was like that…He said because my daughter was killed I changed.. well why wouldn’t I.. after that, he stopped me grieving, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t be angry… So I’ve kept it all in… that’s partly why I feel like an erupting volcano with the physical/emotional abuse..
Evil they are..
X*x

[Rainbowcloud]

So completely hear you on this my dad died and he rang me at the wake to tell me about a situation at work! I said I’m at my dads wake he said sorry I forgot ..he forgot my dad died.
When his grandad died (detail removed by moderator) he acted like the only person on the planet crying for days on end and refused to come on holiday bearing in mind not seen him (detail removed by moderator) it’s a joke they can’t change

[Rainbowcloud]

(detail removed by moderator)! All they think of is themselves and how they feel even us crying or being sad affects them it takes the attention away

[Rainbowcloud]

Cat jam my partner is the same with pets or his children but when I’m ill don’t give a fig about me it’s really bizarre isn’t it but I feel caring for the pets and his children supposedly is also some kind of act in some way and to make me think he’s a great person really I don’t know what to think but they lack empathy so don’t see how they can move things they see everything as an extension of themselves.
The needy thing makes me sick these days I used to latch onto it love that he wanted me and confide in me made me feel needed.
Well I don’t want to be needed or even loved by him now when he gets needy it makes me feel sick it’s awful to say I know but he is not a strong person mentally I find and they latch on more when u become stronger as a person mine has he’s more needy then ever before!

[Catjam]

I have found that, he has become so needy especially as I have stepped back. He rarely goes out now without me. Where as before he would only come home for food and to sleep. He follows me about the house too. I do feel angry, it’s bubbling away all the time.
But it’s also waiting for the other shoe to drop, at some point am I going to be attacked for being ‘cold’ towards him.

[KIP.]

I don’t think it’s needy, it’s controlling. I think he senses you slipping out of his grip. He senses you’re repulsed and he is upping his game to reel you in. Please do not think he won’t ever use his abuse on his children. Once they cross him or show him a side he doesn’t like or can’t control. They too will see that side of him. No one is safe. By abusing you he’s abusing them. Abusing the mother of his children is child abuse. He’s get no brownie points for seeming like a good parent at the moment, that’s a given in respectful relationships. I used to feel this way but looking back he used my son to hurt and control me from an early age. He didn’t directly abuse him physically, it was all lies and manipulation, insidious.

[Catjam]

We have (detail removed by moderator) kids. Our eldest he worships, but the youngest he has spoken to for years. She still lives at home and it’s awful. He says he took that step because we had a lot of trouble with our (detail removed by moderator) child and he didn’t want the same to happen. I guess I over compensate and if ever I have words with one of them I try to make it right. They know I might walk away from an argument but I never sulk or not speak. But on the other hand they come to me and apologise too and it’s rare it’s lasts more than a couple of hours.
Things got tough with our (detail removed by moderator) child but she knew she could get in touch and I would help.
I see traits of him in all of them and that makes me sad, The younger (detail removed by moderator) have probably had more of his nasty side aimed at them over the years although our eldest has started admitting there are sides to him she doesn’t like.
The damage is done unfortunately but I make d**n sure I have our grandchild more when I know he isn’t around.
Living like this seems the norm I guess, I have been with him since I left school. I am (detail removed by moderator) he is (detail removed by moderator).

I have just had a lecture on his grief for his pet, how I can’t comprehend the bond they had etc. I tend to switch off tbh. If I think about it I get angry and upset. I dread to think what would happen if I ever looked in that dark place inside of me, I push everything into that corner and sit on the lid

[Anonymous]

This is the saddest thread I’ve read in ages. Leaving your partner to go to a funeral alone? Not supporting them in their hour of greatest need? How b****y dare these men treat you like that? You’re all worth a thousand of them and it speaks volumes as to how selfish they are

[Catjam]

Sat crying! Thank you, apparently we need a chat because we aren’t having enough sex!! It’s mind boggling

[KIP.]

I often got this chat too. How it was my fault he was aggressive because I didn’t give him enough sex. How our libidos were different and other people were interested in him. Why would I want to have sex with someone who abused me and made me feel c**p. He has no regard whatsoever for you or your feelings. Sounds like he never really did. Mine was love bombing for the first couple years then the real insidious abuse began. Sick people x

[Author]

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