12th May 2016 at 8:00 pm #17094
I am now feeling safe enough to be dealing with my childhood abuse. I know I’m lucky to have got to this stage and I really want to let myself understand what has happened to me so I’ll be safer from future abuse, but it’s so tough. I’m making progress in counselling but facing the reality is so hard to face. My mind will only let me know small fragments at a time. I had a flashback and panic attack at my last appointment. It’s so frightening not knowing what memories will come up and when. Sometimes I leave the session physically sick and retching. I’m having to face the fact that I was really in a very adult and sexually inappropriate relationship with my parents from a very young age. I was so controlled and brainwashed. There’s much I still don’t remember clearly, partly because they gave me so much alcohol to drink. I’m so disgusted and confused, so humiliated. I flip between horror and disbelief. I feel so lonely because I can’t talk to anyone else who would understand. My counsellor says I should leave it with her until next week and I am trying to. I am having concentrate extremely hard to take my mind from it, which is exhausting. But I daren’t allow myself to go there emotionally with no-one to here to catch me. I’m scared I won’t cope with the truth and I may fall apart. I feel frightened to write this on here but I can’t tell anyone else. Thank you for listening to me xx
12th May 2016 at 8:15 pm #17096MillionpiecesParticipant
You take the right step to reach out for help and tell your story. I’m sorry you have the trough such horrible time from your own parent who suppose to protect you. I have parent who I can’t relay on from when I was young until now. They’re the one who always relay on me, when time like this I don’t have them to run to or talk to. I feel like I am alone to face this life. But this is my life and I have to fight it, with or without them. You should keep trying to find your self away from them.
I can’t imagine how hard is for you. You done really well go to counselling. It’s going to take time but one day you will find your self, better life, and stronger than ever.
12th May 2016 at 10:00 pm #17123
Thank you MP. I do feel better to reach out and share my feelings, though it scares me to do so. I really appreciate you listening. You’re right that life is hard when you have no-one to rely on though I don’t expect it. I thought I’d let them go years ago but I think that was just suppression and denial. Now I must see things the way they really are xx
12th May 2016 at 10:19 pm #17127MillionpiecesParticipant
I have beken told By my counsellor that I have child neglect syndrome and told that I been loving my abuser too much because of the relation I have with my parent. It’s hear breaking, I found out this matter after decades I left my parents thousand miles away. I didn’t realise I carry that far and long away. And I found out after nearly (detail removed by moderator) I have been in abusive retaliation ship with my partner. You did right thing to reach out for professional help. If you ignore it you might end up like me. But I know no matter what they are my parent, and I love them.
I will be thinking of you and giving you support to keep fighting to find yourself for your better future, Because you deserve it.
12th May 2016 at 10:42 pm #17136Confused123Participant
You doing ever so well, i find when i have to wait a week till i see my counsellor i sometimes write how im feeling in a diary, that way the feelings are out, u will find as time goes your brain will allow u to slowly process everything that happened when u was a child, sending u hug , have u thought about seeing a rape counsellor if it was sexual abuse u experienced it might help
12th May 2016 at 10:44 pm #17137AyannaParticipant
I am glad you are in counseling. This is a huge step towards a better life. The childhood is the hardest part of our lives to accept and move on from.
You had no choice in what happened. You were just a child. You did not know whom to ask for help, you probably had nobody who would stand up for you.
When we were children the world was so blind and deaf to our suffering.
I remember when I was a child I knew what was right and wrong, but I was not allowed to live by it. It shattered my most inner self. Nevertheless, I never lost the knowledge of what was right and wrong, despite everything I had to suffer.
We have this deep inner knowledge and we carry it with us, even when we suffer the deepest injustice.
It took me many years to work on what happened with me in my childhood and I am at peace with it.
Give yourself lots of time and be gentle with yourself.
Is there anything you can do to feel better after therapy? Is there any place you can go to relax?
I do online counseling at the moment. Each time I write something down and send it off I leave the house and go somewhere nice. I plan this beforehand. If I cannot cope at all I call the Samaritans.
12th May 2016 at 11:04 pm #17144
Thanks all, I really needed support tonight. MP, I do still love them and it’s so hard to emotionally let that go but I feel disgusted with myself also because what they did is so wrong. Confused, I am having specialised SA counselling which is why I’m getting to realise so much. She’s very skilled at making me feel safe enough to explore this and I feel confident she can handle what I have to say which is really important. Ayanna, abuse does shatter our inner self. I’m happy to hear you have reached a level of peace with your childhood. I’m working every day in a job which can be emotional and triggering, so it’s not easy but I have much improved coping and self-care strategies these days. I do so want to face this and take this opportunity to heal. Thanks again xx
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