Death of my abuser

[Speechlessmum]

New to the forum. I left my abuser almost (detail removed by moderator) ago. After leaving I had to deal with (detail removed by moderator), non molestation orders, occupation orders, police, witness statements, restraining orders, selling and buying a house while working full time and keeping my head above water. Don’t want praise, I did it because I had to and life has been getting better since.

I had known my abuser since I was (detail removed by moderator) although we were only a couple for (detail removed by moderator) years. There were some happy times but the abuse tarnished all of that.

He was found dead (detail removed by moderator). Guessing either results of (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know how to feel. I am numb. I feel for his family of course but I can’t forgive him. I feel angry that he doesn’t have to live with it anymore like I do.

X

[KIP.]

You may not want praise but you absolutely deserve it. I went through very similar to you but without the death. I’m sure there are going to be many emotions for you to work through. Whatever end he met was by his own choosing and although it might not be helpful, in many ways it will bring an end and closure to his abuse. It’s going to take time for you to come to terms with it so be very kind to yourself. We can never really get total closure from an abuser Because they will never admit and apologise and once an Abuser always an abuser. Sending you a 🤗 hug and strength to get through this. No doubt it will being up lots of memories both good and bad. It might help you to write a letter to him and get all your feelings out that way. Then you destroy it in your own time x

[Speechlessmum]

Thank you. I had thought about the letter idea so maybe something for the future.

[Whoopsie]

Hey speechlessmum

I’ve just been through the same thing recently. My ex abuser died recently too very suddenly. He was my kids dad. I was in complete shock at the beginning and a wave of guilt came over me because I’d wished him dead so many times before, but only because I wanted the abuse to stop. I felt bad for his family too, after everything he put me through I still rushed to help them cope with everything. While looking after our kids and consoling them.

On the other hand I feel resentful that I’m left to pick up the pieces yet again. I had only just began to get my life on track after the mess he left for me and the kids and I hated him for ruining that again. I was happy before he died but I’ve been depressed ever since and I don’t know why. He didn’t leave a will and I’ve had such a headache trying to sort everything out so that my kids aren’t left without money once again.

I resent the fact that he couldn’t stop being selfish enough to get his act together and be a better dad to his children knowing now how little time he had with them.

I feel bitter that I found out at the funeral he’d been paying for (detail removed by Moderator) for his new girlfriend when he’d cut my child support payments and cried crocodile tears to CSA saying he couldn’t afford to pay so much child support. It was so high because his arrears were so high from non payments.

But I had to stand at the funeral and keep a straight face when people gushed about what a great guy he was, how much he loved his children, while (detail removed by Moderator) clapped for the man who raped me and made me and his own children homeless and penniless, amongst a lot of other really horrible things. It was horrible.

Sorry if I’ve went off on one but there doesn’t seem to be many other ladies on here who have went through this and I just thought I’d let how I felt spill out in case you felt the same and because I feel I can vent here and people will understand. We’re always told not to speak I’ll of the dead but what if they almost ruined your life?

[Anonymous]

Never be sorry for going of on one on here x

[Speechlessmum]

Hi Whoopsie,
Thank you for your reply. You have had to deal with so much!
I am lucky as I didnt have children with my abuser so there were no ties left once we had sold the house.
I have been contacted by mutual friends wanting to create a memory book for his family, but have removed myself. It still hurts that people do not see him as I saw him.
Like someone else said, please do not apologise for venting.

[Speechlessmum]

So found out today that his funeral took place yesterday.
Spoke to my partner about how it had raked up a lot of old memories and emotions.
I still feel quite numb.

[KIP.]

Hey there, I can only imagine the memories that it will churn up. Even in death they still affect us so try not to give him the satisfaction. I haven’t had a drink for (detail removed by moderator) years but I may well crack open a small bottle if it ever happens to my ex. Not that I’m bitter but just to know he wont ever hurt anyone else Again would be something to celebrate. You can bet you’re not the only victim of his. It might help to ring the domestic abuse helpline and chat to someone there. He’s not your responsibility or your problem anymore x Just let the emotions wash over you and leave them behind x

[Speechlessmum]

Thank you. So many emotions. Today I just feel so angry at the waste of life – that his child has lost a father, that he never sought the help he needed (I tried for so long to reach him!)
Ultimately I had to put the happiness and welfare of my children and myself first and leave. He made that so hard. I tried to make us as invisible as possible.
He tried to make contact (detail removed by moderator) but ignored and blocked.
I often wondered if someone else was going through what I did with him, his previous partner certainly did but he blamed her and it was only later that it made sense.
I just wish I could erase all the memories, both good & bad.

[KIP.]

These abuser don’t change. You can bet if he’s been in another relationship then she was also abused. We can’t erase these memories but we do learn to live with them x I consider myself extremely luck and fortunate to have a second a chance at life. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Speechlessmum]

I keep reading about how I should forgive him so that I can heal. I don’t know how to do that.

[Cecile]

forgive him my a***. there used to be a discussion on here about people imaging the death of their abuser, some women had been mistakenly told he had died and were bitterly disappointed to hear the truth. It was not only a hilarious discussion, but an eye opener. There were so many sensitive, empathic but abused women who couldn’t leave or forget the abuse if they did, who dreamed of the death of the abuser as way out. please note there was not a single jot of revenge or wishing to instigate the death in this discussion, it was about abused women wishing and longing for the abuser to disappear. its hard enough now for you to reconcile with all the guilt that comes with abuse, we all get that, without the added complication of what you are now feeling. Rejoice that he is gone and can never hurt you or the children ever again. see if you can find the discussion about abusers dying, it was really funny and sad and helpful. It showed the depth of suffering that otherwise normal sensitive women experience, that they long to see someone die.

[Speechlessmum]

Thank you. I’ll try and find it.

[KIP.]

Hey, I was the one that was wrongly told by my solicitor in writing. It was a typing error but I’m not ashamed I was filled with excitement. Ringing her office to find out the details 🙄.

[Imagesha]

Hi Speechlessmum. Forgivness, what does that even mean?
For me it means to refrain from hurting the other person, from seeking revenge.
So, unless you were spicing his meals with laxatives when you were with him, you have already “forgiven” him. Unless you go to his grave and deface it, you have already forgiven him.
This how I see it, anyway.

[Speechlessmum]

Ha, no revenge for me but I would just want to let go of the anger. It eats me up.

[KIP.]

It’s okay to be angry but let it wash over you. Feel the anger, imagine a red balloon 🎈 put your anger in it and imagine it floating away. Holding onto that anger is like buying some poison For your abuser and taking it yourself. Healing from a hidden Abuse. A great book about recovery x I bet Lundy Bancroft writes about death of an abuser somewhere x

[hop]

My dr once said I was lucky he wasnt dead because that’s how these monsters reach martyrdom. She was so right. I’m sorry you’re going through this xx

[Speechlessmum]

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I know that grief is for those who are left behind and he doesn’t benefit from what people say about him now, but I’ve heard people describing him as such a wonderful person, and it makes me scream inside.

[KIP.]

They don’t show their monstrous side to everyone. It doesn’t mean he didn’t harm you. I’m sure at some point during your relationship that you would have defended him too. You don’t need validation from anyone else to know you suffered at his hands. Even Hitler had people who cared for him x

[Imagesha]

Mindful meditation can be very helpful in dealing with anger (and painful emotions in general). There are online courses that you can try to follow, now that the pandemic is limiting interaction with others. I did the 8 weeks course years ago (well before I got caught in his trap), and it helped a lot with what I was going through at the time. x

[KIP.]

Thanks Imagesha, I often forget about the practical side. Yoga can be great too x 🙏 .

[Speechlessmum]

Thank you, ladies. Lots of great ideas for me to try. I used to do yoga so might start that again. I’ve been recommended the ‘healing from hidden abuse’ books few times so will take a look at that.

[Author]

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