Deciding to Divorce

[lilaclady]

I moved out (detail removed by Moderator) ago so my partner and I currently separated. I couldn’t go the whole way back then and divorce as I just wasn’t ready and even though deep down I knew his behaviour wouldn’t change I couldn’t face the end of my marriage. Now a few months down the line my husband has been doing therapy etc but I am not seeing much change. No surprises there. Yes the verbal abuse is nowhere near as bad as it was BUT he still hasn’t faced up to things. He still asks me when I am coming home he wants us back together. He sometimes faces up to why this has happened but at the same time will say he’s been doing counselling and doing hard work to get me back. And sometimes he is saying that it wasn’t that bad and it was just some arguments, I haven’t been angry for at least a year (utter rubbish). Just a note here that I am not looking for a reason to go back I know that I will never be able to do that I know this marriage is not right and not healthy. What I am struggling is making that final decision to divorce, to pull the trigger. I have been struggling all week, feeling heartbroken, crying, devastated my marriage is over and I just don’t feel ready to action a divorce. But at the same time we are in limbo with me living somewhere else, and co parenting our son. I just don’t know what to do. I read somewhere that you shouldn’t force yourself to make a decision. For those of you that divorced how did you get to that decision? What was it like for you? I just feel so utterly devastated that this is over.

Also another note he was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive no physical stuff sometimes I do struggle especially after reading what some of you ladies have been through in thinking that it was bad but it wasn’t REALLY REALLY BAD if you get me. During our separation he has had bad times but he has also been fine, he hasn’t been showing up at my home causing problems etc. But again not looking for reasons to go back, or excuse behaviour just struggling with thoughts.

[Confused123]

Hi hun

it took me (detail removed by Moderator) before i could apply for the divorce, it was as if i needed to be convinced he wouldn’t change, i just had to see for myself even after leaving him does he still mis behave, yes they have their goods days but in long run the masks slips off and they get annoyed with waiting for us and go back to mr abusive to severe extent, you will know when u are ready to apply , take counsellign for yourself in mean time and maybe suggest u want a zero contact trial and see how he reacts, just say u need time to think about u too, truth is u need it to stay stronger and say goodbye forever

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey, never minimise the abuse you suffered. YOU SUFFERED. It’s real and true.

You could be grieving for the loss of your marriage, for the future you thought you had, for the pain you’ve been through. It’s all part of the healing I guess.

Are you 100% sure he’s going to a counsellor (mine lied for a year, telling me what they had discussed and putting fake appointments on the calendar) and is this counsellor DV specialist?

I think you’ve come to the right conclusion- maybe speak to WA for a bit of support.

[White Rose]

I left but it took me time to get my act together to divorce him. I’d seen solicitor for advice even before I left but it took me a while to say (accept) it was over.
The thing that swayed me in the end was his escalating abuse (emotional to me and our daughter) and the fact he was arrogant enough to believe I didn’t have the guts to divorce him.
He kept saying he’d divorce me on grounds of my abuse of him (apparently I denied him his right to sex on demand!) but he just never got round to it so I made the decision for him. If he’d petitioned me I wouldn’t have faught othe than to make sure The reasons were truthful. My petition was “mild” my solicitor saw no point in being brutally honest there only needed to be enough to prove to judge there was irrevocable breakdown. He kicked up a real stink but never could never really object or disagree as I had evidence to back it all up. I think he was more upset by the fact I’d taken away his manly rights to exert his power of divorce of me and I’d cast him aside for the benefit of single life his ego was well deflated!
If you are really not sure whether you are ready ask yourself if you still want to be married to him. If you do consider why that is. If you’re still not convinced the marriage is over then take more time but just make sure you are safe in the meantime. If you fear him then that’s probably an indication you need to take the plunge.
It’s not easy making the decision so get some support and some legal advice xx

[KIP.]

A deciding factor for me to come to terms with divorce was when I thought of how his father treated his mother during her life and in her old age with dementia and cancer. I asked myself, do I really want a man like my ex to be my legal next of kin. To gain financially on my death and be supportive though any illness that I may suffer. I wouldn’t trust my ex to help a sick dog. I didn’t want a monster like that making decisions about me. He was also financially irresponsible. From a purely legal point of view I had to protect myself too. Just another thought. Also my ex used to threaten what he would do if I left him. So coercive control played a big part. I’m nearly there and have no regrets. I would advise you to get all your ducks in a row before you begin the process. Get lots of free legal advice first and don’t be swayed. I was no contact with my ex and did it all through solicitors. It wasn’t cheap but I didn’t have to put up with him trying to change my mind again X

[lilaclady]

Thanks everyone for your replies. This is so hard! I have been feeling a lot stronger and the other day I really felt decisive in the decision to move this forward, get the divorce going and move on with my life. But now the last few days I’ve gone the other way, should I give this another chance? How can I give up on my marriage etc. This is the hardest decision I ever faced and I think what makes it harder is that I do still love my husband. Deep down I know the answer to this, but its hard to get there!

My husband IS doing counselling he’s definitely not lying about it as I know his counsellor and have seen his psychiatrist too. Not to give him brownie points but he is going. I have started trying to get my ducks in a row KIP. I have seen a solicitor, I know what my rights are as regards child support and I know what I would ask for in the divorce (getting it would be an entirely different thing he said just yesterday that “he knows where everything is”. He is significantly richer than me, SIGNIFICANTLY and does throw the whole me being a gold digger which isn’t true I just want a roof over my son and my heads and child support. I think I will definitely have to go through solicitors and fight for what I want.

White Rose like you say I am still not convinced it is over…yet. The only good thing is that I am coming home to the UK for a week, which to be honest is going to great mind space to decide. I might even give the helpline a ring as I will actually be on the right time zone.

I am definitely finding it hard to end the marriage and in a state of not being able to finally end it. Trying to stay strong. This forum is a ruddy god send!

[KIP.]

Hey there. Just to let you know the helpline is open 24hrs.

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