Decisions to make

[Cantmakedecisons]

I have a few decisions that I need to make.

What I’m doing now isn’t working and although we’re now not living together he still feels the need to remind me that he’s never that far away.

A few of you already know from reading my posts before about what happened, it was awful and terrifying and put me back so much.

Well it happened again and I can’t keep doing this, I feel like I’m peddling backwards!

So I need to decide if to arrange a non- Mol order – the problem is I’m not sure he will take much notice of it. The other option which I’ve always tried to avoid is to make a statement to the police.

I know a lot of you will automatically just say oh yeah police, but I’ve got to think of kids, the statement and where that will lead.

Firstly I’ve actually got to say or write the words, I find that very difficult. The detail will just be horrendous and I’m not sure he would even get bail.

The Non-Mol order .. I’m not sure exactly how to do this or how much detail I need to tell them, the police do have previous incidents or crime ref number I could refer to but will I need this?

I just want to be a home and feel safe to open the door or window, or to close my eyes and know I’ll be ok.

[Anonymous]

I know where you are, I do. I get it. But there really is no other option other than sink or swim. It’s one or the other. Yes, there are details, many of them, stuff you have to be very wise about. I get that too. But you have to ask yourself, what will stop him? And there is no way around not calling the police. They have to get involved here. The Mol order is something that needs to be done because for one, it makes you look good. No matter if he respects it or not. It looks like you are saying no and in court, that matters down the road. Everything is going to set him off, regardless of what you do. You can’t continue to live in fear, just not an option.

Start writing things out…….it’s therapeutic as well.

Here’s some websites that might help you……. I feel for you very much. I worry about you. I know you are in the thick of it and I know sometimes I am too pointblank. A fault of mine. I’ve been told. But you are in danger here and so are your children. This has to be addressed and stopped. His continued harassment and abuse just isn’t okay. X*X

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/statement-injunction

https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid

Home

Getting legal help

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

http://www.childsupportlaws.co.uk/

https://childprotectionresource.online/if-i-report-domestic-violence-social-services-will-take-my-children/

https://www.gov.uk/represent-yourself-in-court

[Cantmakedecisons]

It’s not fault of your Braelyn.. it’s a attribute – just sometimes the truth hurts and it’s hard to hear.

I don’t know what else is going to stop him, you’re right. I don’t want you to be right but I fear you are.

It’s the uncertainty of what will happen.. I do a statement.. his arrested and then what? Is he likely to get bail? Because for the kids that would be important, however for me I think it would put me in a more dangerous situation? He will be so angry with me.

I just don’t know how all these things work.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I know this a stupid question but.. how do I even go about making a statement? Phone 101?

[Anonymous]

I just sent you that in the links….check it out. Let me know if it helps, if not, we’ll look elsewhere..

[Cantmakedecisons]

I’ve read through the links you sent – thanks the statement one is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Also, if I were you, I’d just call the police and ask them. You don’t have to identify yourself. Ask them if the particulars are online of how to go about this? That’s what they are there for so we might as well make them earn their keep, right?

[Cantmakedecisons]

Thanks x

[Eggshells]

Hi honey, I can’t believe he’s done it again. This is horrific. I totally get that you don’t want to report him because of the boys. It’s exactly how I feel. But my ex can’t touch me now and even if he could, he wouldn’t dare.

This man has no fear and you are not going to be able to stop him. So far, I’ve felt that you need the space and the choice about what to do but, sadly, I feel that he has taken that choice away from you now.

When I read your post I got a sense that although you know this shouldn’t be happening, you may be starting to normalise it to help you cope.

I’m really, really sorry honey but I think your choices are now severely restricted. If you want to stay safe and stop this from happening, you need to report it.

I’ll pm you for the next bit. xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Yep I’ve definitely normalised it – everything! It’s been such a long time that I don’t even know what’s right or wrong anymore. I wasn’t even sure if it was rape first of all because we were married and obviously we have an intimate relationship anyways. I’ve been with this man for my entire adult life and don’t have anything else to compare it to. I know that love shouldn’t feel like this but the confusion is real and disabling. I probably sound so stupid!

[Anonymous]

No. you sound abused and brainwashed ….. check out what I sent you here and get your mind off of taking the sticky ball of yuch and rolling it over and over in your hands. You have got to fight doing that and keep making progress here. Get out your notebook, do your homework, start writing and getting knowledge about what you need to do here and how to do it. Enough with being paralyzed. You have to say no to that one. Not allowed. Put your energy into walking a straight line out and not spinning in circles, okay?

[Wants To Help]

Hi again,

I’ve just logged on for the first time in a while and saw your post and wanted to reply straight away.

This is so serious, it really is, honestly, you cannot protect yourself any more, no matter how much you try. You will not be free from this man without professional intervention now.

I really understand why ladies don’t want to report rape, seriously I do. I get how traumatising it can be and how the evidence may not be there to see it through to a conviction, how the offenders use the defence of it being ‘consensual’ and make you look to be a liar, someone out for revenge etc. Please trust me when I say I understand all of the reasons for not reporting it.

But what happens if you don’t?

(Detail removed by moderator)

These things happen to people like us, people in abusive relationships. We always think it happens to other people in abusive relationships. Sometimes the fear of repercussions of taking positive action will still happen if you do nothing. Sometimes you’re d****d if you do, d****d if you don’t.

You have been raped twice in a very short time after leaving this man. His actions prove that he is dangerous, that he is a predator that will not let you go. This behaviour comes under “Demonstrate Omnipotence” category of controlling behaviour, proving he is all powerful. Proving he can have you at any time he wants, thus increasing his power and control over you and you becoming more fearful of him. You cannot deal with men like him without help. This is not a failure on your part or any weakness in you at all, no woman could deal with him alone.

If you call the Police, then yes, they will take over your life, they will take control and they will make decisions for you, I’m not going to lie. They will call Children’s Services and inform them. Children’s Services will insist on seeing you to support you to safeguard your children. This level of intrusion is what many mothers fear, they see it as a negative. Some embrace it and see it as a positive. I would imagine your abuser may not even get bail, the Police will apply for a remand in custody due to the danger he poses, the Police cannot take that risk of releasing him on bail. The court may release him on bail, but they are a different power to the Police entirely, but I can’t even see a court releasing a man on bail for two rapes that are immediately post separation, I can genuinely see a remand in custody. Again, this is something you have to consider in your options, he may end up in prison awaiting a trial. How will you deal with that?

(Detail removed by moderator)

Sorry that my straight talking is not as nice as Braelynn’s, but seriously, you are a high risk case, I am worried about your safety, your children’s safety. It is time to hand this over to the professionals and have the decisions taken out of your hands.

Sending you hugs and strength, it’s no longer a case of you can do this, you’ve got to do this.

 

 

[Cantmakedecisons]

I feel so bad making you all worry about me – maybe I shouldn’t share quite so much but this is my therapy atm. It’s my soundboard to get some perspective.

I think I knew that by me leaving that was never going to stop it, hence taking so long to do something.

I’m not going to pretend I’m not scared because I am, of so much. Firstly him, the police, the kids, the family, life, my own thoughts. It’s all such a mess.

[Eggshells]

You are making progress already. Do you realise that is the first time you have actually called it rape. Before now you’ve avoided saying it.

I don’t know how close you are to your sister but I wonder if now might be the time to tell her what has been happening. I can’t remember if you have a keyworker?

I’ve been doing a bit of research. You can report on-line which might be easier than having to say it. If you type in “online crime reporting service” and add your local area at the end of it, it should come up.

You can click the tab for “report online”.

The police are specially trained. They are used to fears and reluctance of those reporting.

In the meantime, if you see him anywhere near your house, please dial 999. You have a marker so their response will be quick.

For those of us on the outside looking in, there’s is a lot of fear for you right now. If the tables were turned and it was one of us dealing with this instead of you, what would you be thinking and feeling right now. I’m not trying to pressure you but I am hoping that you will see if as it really is rather than seeing it through the fog of all those years of abuse. xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

That’s so weird you picked up on that word… I never say it or normally write it – it’s too uncomfortable.

It’s like the 999 thing – I’m so trained not to call them that it’s such a massive thing.

I will look at the online thing. Thank you!

Please remember to look after yourself. Xx

[Anonymous]

Well I am trying to pressure you. I admit it. Calling the police is something you truly should do. Do it anonymously at first. Ask them whatever you want to. Call these other places as well. You’re paralyzed here and you have to snap out of it. This will only get worse and I know you know that. Gather information but be quick about it. You’re a mother. You have to take action here. I have given you information, others have too so get out of your spin cycle here and start doing your homework. Get answers to your questions. Getting free………is work. I want you to be free of this man and his torture but the power to do that depends on you. Don’t feel bad for whatever here because we all know where this place is. We got the address. So no apologies and all that. We’re in the pit with you, no problem but you gotta move out of this trance you’re in and reach out for help. I don’t like what I’m hearing and I see very clearly where you are. You need to move now. Take good positive action. It’s like hypothermia and you are wanting to go to sleep here….

[Cantmakedecisons]

Didn’t sleep well.. no surprise there;

I think first of all I will call the police anonymously as Braelynn suggested. I’ll ask some questions and hopefully their be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Good! This is a good website as well…….just found this one…https://www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q151.htm

[Eggshells]

Keep talking to us. xx

[Author]

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